[TR] - Take Away Tom
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but I renewed it.

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TFoTR discussion.

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Post by Snukems Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:07 am

Yeah yeah my story is awesome and stuffz.

Second chapter isn't out yet but it'll be epic.


Last edited by InvadersFromDeepSpace on Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Snukems Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:46 am

Second chapter - DONE.
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Post by Peregrine Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:57 am

It would seem that Shadow and I are dead.

That's very unfortunate.

Good story, though. I like how much work you put into the battles. I usually just write "*one trainer battle later*" and the like. Of course, I also don't have as many as you do.
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Post by Snukems Thu Jun 17, 2010 4:41 am

Thanks. You might want to read the third chapter and get surprised.
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Post by Shadow Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:35 pm

Well, I've given you a lot of CC on MSN at various stages of the story, however I just noticed the last few paragraphs, so I'll CC that here.
which I neglected to mention earlier
You've never included you, the writer, into the story before, so it seems quite odd to do so now. I think you probably should go back and add in the info about Mewthree, because suddenly including yourself because you can't be bothered changing it is quite slack, really.
Mewtwo evolves into Newtwo
You've elaborated as to how all your other invented pokemon evolved into what they did, but not for Newtwo. If he chose to himself, why did he only just do it? You really need to state why he evolved (and if there is no real reason, then why he evolved this late in the battle). Again, slack writing here.
Then Nuke arrives.
Yeah... this just makes no sense. How did he get there, and why did he leave Nukia to come here? If it was to thwart the protagonists, why this late? Quite deus ex machina, really (except instead of solving the problem it made it worse, but the concept is the same). AGAIN, slack writing.

So overall: it's a good conclusion to a dramatic chapter, however you got quite lazy with the writing at times.
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Post by Snukems Thu Jun 17, 2010 8:05 pm

I edited some.
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Post by Erik Fri Jun 18, 2010 12:14 am

Odd story. I noticed they have yet to use their Master Ball, I would have used it on Egice ;)
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Post by Snukems Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:25 am

Lol, Erik. I would have done that, too XD

EDIT, 9:22 PM:

http://www.trforums.com/word-gallery-f29/the-fall-of-tr-t2020.htm#70271 chapter 3!
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Post by Snukems Fri Jun 25, 2010 7:27 am

Ch 4 Part 1 is out.
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Post by Shadow Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:51 pm

Porygon-X uses Zap Cannon and Thunder in unison, but the Swamperts have two abilities; one shared, being that they are immune to electric attacks, and therefore, they charge towards the Porygon-X and block its thunder and zap cannon from hurting Phione, who then jumps high and uses water pulse on Porygon-X, causing it to go on maximum performance mode, and form two fists, both equal in size to Porygon-X's body, which is actually rather small, being four feet long and three feet tall, and the fists elementize into the grass type, then they attack the Swamperts, causing them to take heavy damage while they struggle to break free of the plants which wrap around them, having a difficult time, until Entei is sent out and burns it off, before jumping over them and attacking Porygon-X with a mighty Fire Blast, which burns it severely until it unleashes an even more powerful Hydro Pump, pinning Entei to the ceiling, where it is nearly defeated by the water, before the Swamperts use Darkness Engulfment and Psycho Boost on Porygon-X, causing it to be heavily damaged until it is sent into the wall by a huge muddy water and surf combination coming from both Swamperts, and then another Fire Blast from Entei, defeating the mighty Porygon-X.
A few minutes later, the ice around them, heavily damaged by the battle, collapses, while Pere withdraws all of his Militiamon, and crushes the last of the Militiamon, while Pere remains unharmed, and runs out to confront Heartless Entei, sending out Suicune and Ho-Oh, then flying on Ho-Oh, while he commands Suicune, who uses Hydro Pump, at the exact time that Heartless Entei uses Fire Blast and then a Blizzard, but also as it is struck by Sky Attack, and then carried into the air, where Suicune, who jumps as high as possible, blasts it with Hydro Pump until it is so heavily damaged that it will not be able to balance itself as Ho-Oh drops it, causing it to roll down to mountain, causing rocks to move and lava vents to open, while the rocks break other rocks and cause a rock slide, which damages the mob of enemy Militiamon chasing Shadow greatly once he does a flyby on the Swamperts to pick them up and have them mounted on SL backwards so that they may blast the rear targets, who suffer greatly to the point where they, with the rocks, fall into the ocean.
Run-on sentences.

Other than that, loving this exciting new chapter! :D
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Post by Snukems Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:29 pm

I have a bad run-on habit. Blame the guy who invented English.
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Post by Shadow Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:31 pm

Just because it's a bad habit doesn't excuse the need to fix it.
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Post by Snukems Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:31 am

Trying to fix when I get bored.

Also, Ch 4 is done.
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