Sparda the New Employee

The scene opens up on Sparda; he is currently making his way to TR castle on a hiring call by Vamparagon. Even though he is one of the leaders of a small band of eccentric people called Ultimate Redemption he wanted something a little more interesting and structured to participate in. So with a suggestion from Peregrine he decided to discuss openings at TR.

Sparda: You know for a grand castle it sure is difficult to find out here. Maybe I should consult this map that Vamp and Pere drew for me.

Sparda stops and takes out the special map Vamp and Pere drew from him. Unfortunately half of the map was red and the other half was written in fancy black pen. In the middle of the map where there should have been landmarks and directions there was only insults in varying red and black text.

Pere your drawings suck.

Well at least my drawings actually look nice.

No they look like what you would see in dusty old scrolls.

They should look like that, not like some children’s coloring book.

You suck.

You suck.

Sparda: *sighs* Well at least they got the outline of the area and general location of the castle down. Hopefully if I follow this stream I’ll eventually get to somewhere where I can ask for directions.

Sparda follows a tranquil stream for several miles until he reaches a sprawling town which was bustling with activity. In the distance he spots the TR Castle. He continues down the road until he sees two people. One of them was a cross between a bunny and a man; he was using the other person to carefully line up a shot with a golf ball.

Sparda: Excuse me, but who are you and what are you doing?

????: Oh hello there, I’m wwwtoy and this is Walt. We’re trying to enjoy a game of golf.

Sparda: *looks around* Where’s the golf course?

wwwtoy: This is the course, Walt is my club, but he’s doing a terrible job at making the ball go far.

Walt: My face hurts.

Sparda: You guys are employees of TR right?

wwwtoy: Oh yeah, we are. Why do you ask?

Sparda: Vamp recently hired me for a job at TR; he wasn’t big on the details he just told me to show up.

wwwtoy: Oh well then you should head to the front gates so you can talk to Vamp, he may be on his lunch break so you should probably talk to Ryzaa.

Sparda: I heard about him, he’s the head of security if I remember right. How long do you think Vamp would be on his break?

wwwtoy: Probably about 6 hours if you’re lucky.

Sparda begins to head for the front gates with a sideways glance at the pair as wwwtoy raises Walt above his head and swings as hard as he can. Predictably Walt’s face only makes the ball go about 10 feet. Wwwtoy sighs and goes to move into position for another swing. As Sparda approaches the front gate he notices two nondescript security guards standing in front of a grand oak door.

Security Officer #1: Halt there. Who are you?

Sparda: Hello there, my name is Sparda. Vamp hired me for a job recently and told me to meet him here to discuss things.

Security Officer #1: I haven’t heard of anyone getting hired recently. Have you Security Officer #2?

Security Officer #2: No I haven’t Security Officer #1. Perhaps I should call Ryzaa to see if he knows anything.

Sparda: Wait are your names really Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2?

Security Officer #1: Yeah, those are pretty standard names.

Sparda: No they ar-

Security Officer #2: This is Security Officer #2 calling Ryzaa come in Ryzaa.

Ryzaa: I was in the middle of enjoying a wonderful bacon sandwich. This had better be good.

Security Officer #2: Sorry sir, but there is a man here named Sparda. He claims to have been hired by Vamp and was told to come to the castle in order to speak with Lord Vamparagon.

Ryzaa: I haven’t heard anything about anyone getting hired recently. Just tell him to wait there until someone manages to get a hold of Vamp. Or until he calls me to save him from something completely ridiculous again.

Security Officer #2: Roger Sir. Over and out. I’m sorry Sparda but you’ll just have to wait here until we manage to talk to someone who knows what’s going on.

Sparda: I suppose I can wait, although I’m rather curious to see what goes on in a place like this.

Security Officer #1: You probably don’t want to know.

Just then a man bursts out the front door. He has wavy red hair and is followed by a distinctly fabulous Leafeon. By all accounts of the man this can only be Emperor Vamparagon.

Sparda: Hey Vamp; I’m glad I found you so quickly I need to discuss my job here with you.

Vamparagon: Excuse me but who are you?

Sparda: I’m Sparda; Peregrine recommended that I look for a job here. I spoke to you via Macintosh a few days ago.

Vamparagon: I don’t remember doing any such thing.

Sparda: But you hired me.

Vamparagon: No I didn’t.

Sparda: Yes, yes you did. You even drew this map with Pere for me

Vamparagon: Oh thanks I’ve been looking for this *Vamparagon snatches the map out of Sparda’s hands* Listen I don’t have time for thieves. I’m late for my lunch break. Come on Leafeon lets go.

Sparda watches with confusion as Vamp and his fabulous Leafeon head off into the town. He turns back to the Security Officers and sighs. Sparda then decides that he might as well not bother for the time being and begins to walk around the castle to kill some time while Vamparagon was out on one of his lunch breaks.

Sparda: For the love of god, I really don’t understand people sometimes. Maybe I can find a way into TR Castle from out here so I can talk Pere.

Suddenly a figure comes flying out of a nearby pipe and lands roughly on the ground. He stands up muttering to himself and brushing various pieces of junk off of himself.

Sparda: Umm excuse me, but aren’t you Cial?

Cial: *turns around* Why yes, yes I am. How’d you know that?

Sparda: Well Pere gave me a pretty solid description of the Board of Directors and Security forces.

Cial: Oh really? What did he say about me?

Sparda: That you didn’t matter very much.

Cial: *looking crestfallen* Oh. So what are you doing back here anyway?

Sparda: Well Vamp recently hired me into TR. However he claims to not remember me at all. So I need to get into the castle somehow and talk to Pere so I can get to work.

Cial: That sounds pretty normal. Well I believe you and I wish you good luck in actually getting in.

Sparda: Thanks Cial, I wish you luck in actually getting some lines. Though the likelihood of that is pretty slim.

Cial: Yeah I know.

Sparda continues walking around the castle until he comes across a very silly looking fellow who is laughing and rigging some explosives to a grate covering a hole in the wall of TR Castle. After some observation Sparda realizes that this is Mathia.

Sparda: Yo Mathia. What are you up to down there?

Mathia: *turns around and in his surprise bangs his head* Oh Sparda, I um, was just trying to get into TR Castle to get back some artwork that Vamp stole from me.

Sparda: Oh well that’s just tragic here let me help you.

Mathia: Wait what? I mean thanks a lot. I can’t seem to get this things timer to display.

Sparda: Oh well that should be easy to fix. Here give me the detonator.

Mathia: Well alright then. But don’t blow this thing up until I’m out of range.

Sparda begins to fiddle with the bomb and quickly discovers that the wire for the timer is unplugged. He plugs it back in and notices that the timer is set to 10 seconds. He decides to set the timer to 1 second and turns around to address Mathia.

Sparda: Hey Mathia. Come over here. I got the display to work but the timer looks like it’s a bit off.

Mathia: Oh? Well I guess I should have a look.

Sparda moves out of the way as Mathia examines the display. Sparda runs off and clicks the detonator button and a second later turns to see the bomb go off and watches as Mathia is flung into the sky Team Rocket style.

Sparda: *laughs to himself* Oh god. I’d say I was surprised that worked but Mathia has never been the brightest person. I guess I should see if that grate is off.

Sparda walks over to the hole in the wall with the grate blown off. He heads into the hole and begins walking through the dark tunnel. Before long he notices some ice forming along the walls and encounters a door at the end of the tunnel. He opens it and emerges in a very intricate ice room with icicles hanging from the ceiling and interesting ice crystals forming everywhere. In the middle of the room there is a man sitting on a chair with an umbrella over his head and a pitcher of frozen lemonade in his right hand.

Sparda: Oh hey Ice, what are you doing here?

Icewolfking: Chilin’.

Sparda: I see that. I’m a tad thirsty after my walk around the castle. Do you think I can have some lemonade?

Icewolfking: Sure *Ice opens up a nearby cooler and takes out a small glass with frozen lemonade in it*. It is frozen though.

Sparda: It’s cool.

Sparda takes the glass and continues through the ice room until he reaches another door and heads through it only to emerge into a sewer. He follows the walkway until he reaches a rocky floor with a man with his back turned to him.

Sparda: Excuse me sir, but do you know how I could get into the castle from down here?

????: *turning to face Sparda* Oh yeah sure. You just need to ride the current to an access ladder down the line.

Sparda: Hey aren’t you that Ratchet and Clank reference?

Sewage Cleanup Guy: Yeah I sure am.

Sparda: Awesome.

Sparda pulls some wood off the wall and begins shaping himself a boat so he can ride the current down to the access ladder. It takes him about an hour to make a sufficient boat. He gently pushes the makeshift boat into the water and hops in. As he rides the current down he realizes he didn’t exactly have a plan for stopping. As he was pondering what to do the end of tunnel was coming up fast with the water passing through a low outlet. Before he could react the boat crashes into a ledge and Sparda is flung out of the boat and onto the floor.

Sparda: *standing up and holding his side* Who designs a Castle where the only way to get to a ladder is to ride the current of a sewer to a dead end ledge? I’d expect this from a video game like Resident Evil but not a real castle. Now where did that lemonade go?

Sparda looks around and spots the glass lying sideways on the ground and picks it up. Sparda then turns to the aforementioned ladder and begins to climb. It’s a surprisingly long ladder that is in rather good condition despite being that close to a sewer. As Sparda reaches the top of the ladder he emerges in a workshop. There are a lot of machines of various sizes and functionality scattered about the room. Standing near a workbench there were two people talking. From what Sparda could tell the man with the welding visor was Dake and the person he was talking to was Shadow the Janitor.

Shadow: Dake I’m getting a bit tired of needing to come down here and cleanup after you.

Dake: But Shadow, all this work is very critical for TR.

Shadow: How is firing a chicken out of a cannon critical?

Dake: Vamp likes fast food.

Sparda: Hey guys, I just climbed up through the sewers and I’m looking for Peregrine

Dake: *glances over at Sparda* Who are you?

Shadow: Better question, how did you manage to get to that ladder? It doesn’t lead to anywhere.

Sparda: Well I’m Sparda, I’m the new employee and I’m just trying to get to work, but Vamp wouldn’t let me in the front door.

Dake: That figures.

Sparda: Also I managed to follow the current in the sewers and then climbed up the ladder like the Sewage Cleanup Guy told me to.

Shadow: You mean that Ratchet and Clank reference?

Sparda: Yeah that guy.

Shadow: Man I love that guy. He’s the only other guy who does any cleaning around here.

Sparda: Anyway, do either of you know where Pere would be?

Dake: He could be pretty much anywhere. As a matter of fact, I’m not entirely sure what he does around here anyway.

Shadow: If I had to guess Pere would probably be in the cafeteria or bar.

Sparda: Which one is closer?

Shadow: The bar. If you want to get there just head out the door and follow the right side of the hallway for awhile. You should smell the TR ale from a pretty good distance.

Sparda: Thanks guys. Have a good time making your clearly critical machines.

Dake: See Shadow? That guy gets it.

Shadow: I still don’t see why we need a steam powered conveyor belt that leads to the bathroom.

Dake: Shadow you just don’t understand.

Sparda heads out of the room and follows the hallway to the right. Sure enough he smells something strong and fermented. He follows the smell for awhile before he comes to an iron door with the words BAR embellished on it. Sparda walks in and sees a lone man standing behind the bar that he immediately recognizes.

Sparda: Rob! What are you doing here?

Robaldo: Oh hey Sparda. I got hired here a few weeks ago as the bartender. Want something to drink?

Sparda: Actually I got a frozen glass of lemonade that I need unfrozen.

Robaldo: Oh, hmm. Well that shouldn’t be a problem.

Rob takes out a bunsen burner and places the glass on top. He turns it on a low setting and slowly the lemonade unfreezes. Rob turns it off when just a little bit of the lemonade is left frozen and hands it back to Sparda.

Sparda: Thanks Rob. *Sparda takes a swig of the lemonade and looks at the glass in amazement*. This has got to be the best lemonade I’ve ever had.

As Sparda finishes his delicious lemonade Peregrine walks into the room. He is carrying a bunch of papers with him and sets them down on a table.

Peregrine: Rob I need a drink before I go take these down to Shadow.

Robaldo: What are they?

Peregrine: Backed up forms requesting Shadow for various cleanup tasks. I don’t envy his task to clean up after Vamp every time he needs to go.

Sparda: I don’t think Shadow will enjoy that very much considering he’s already assisting Dake.

Peregrine: *Turning to Sparda* What are you talking about? Shadow loves cleaning everything up. He knows how vital it is to keep Vamps bathroom spotless. By the way what are you doing down here?

Sparda: Vamp didn’t recognize me, so I had to find another way into the castle so I could actually get some work done.

Peregrine: People actually do work around here? Never mind. I’ll just talk to Vamp about it.

Sparda: Don’t you mean argue with him about it?

Peregrine: Most likely, if push comes to shove I’m going to challenge him to a dance off. Then I can prove once and for all that I am more fabulous than him.

Sparda: Even if you don’t argue I would like to see that happen. So in the meantime what should I do? Do I have an office prepared for me?

Peregrine: Of course not. But there are plenty of rooms that either have no use or are irrelevant. Take Cial’s office for example, I doubt anyone would miss it.

Sparda: I think I’ll just find myself an out of use room. By the way what is my job here anyway?

Peregrine: Depends, what are you actually good at?

Sparda: Public speaking and gathering information.

Peregrine: Well then I guess you can be our Historian and Intelligence Expert.

Sparda: That sounds good to me. I guess I’ll be off now.

Peregrine: Remember if you see mrsebi in the hallway just run as fast as you can the other way. No one wants to be caught alone with him.

Sparda heads out of the bar leaving Peregrine to drink his TR ale. As he follows the corridor Sparda finds an elevator. He gets in it and decides that he would like to be situated somewhere midway up through the castle so he picks floor 12. As he steps out and looks around he notices this floor is largely empty. He wanders around until he discovers a room with a high ceiling and some stone windows overlooking the lake outside of TR. He figures this would be a good place to set up.