The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

by Peregrine Sat May 22, 2010 8:23 am

Since I'm only allowed one thread, I'll just dump everything I write in here and use my comments thread as an index for organization.

Please only comment in THIS thread (click).

by Peregrine Sat May 22, 2010 8:27 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2m2jasw

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Seven people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is projecting an upside down graph onto the wall. A man with wavy red hair is pointing a pointing stick at the graph and talking.

Vamparagon: So as we can see here, profits are way down.
Ragegamer: Actually Vamp, I think the graph is the wrong way around.
Vamparagon: Oh, sorry, you're right.

Vamparagon bends over and fiddles with his laptop's touchpad, and is finally able to rotate the graph on the computer screen so that it is sideways.

Vamparagon: As I was saying, profits are way sideways.
Peregrine: I'd question this if it didn't seem so plausible.
Chamberino: Maybe we could try rotating the graph some more until we get better results.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

It is in that moment that a man bursts through the doors opposite the head of the table and begins screaming, startling the two guards that were posted there.

Mrsebi: HEY GUYS SORRY I'M LATE I WAS TALKING TO MY ImAgInArY fRiEnDs!

Vamparagon, who was not one to tolerate such shenanigans, gestured to the guard to the left of the new arrival.

Vamparagon: Flaw.
Flaw of Insanity Yes sir.

Flaw of Insanity grabs Mrsebi by the collar and drags him out the door, no doubt headed for the castle dungeons.

Vamparagon: As I was saying, to rectify the lack of horizontal profits, I suggest that we hold a bake sale.
Sticky: Seconded.
Erik: Thirded.
Ragegamer: Fourthed.
Peregrine: Objection. None of us can bake.
Vamparagon: I can't bake? Excuse me Pere? EXCUSE M-

The screen suddenly flickers and the image of the graph is replaced by the head of this story's primary antagonist.

??? Hello there gentlemen! All your base are belong to me. You don't know who I am, but know tha-
Vamparagon: Oh hey Mathia. Long time no see.
Mathia: Shut up Vamp. What I was saying was that-
Vamparagon: -E PERE?
Peregrine: You trying to make something out of this, Vamp?
Vamparagon: Oh yeah, you're real tough. But I like to let my moves do the talking.
Peregrine: In that case you should have no trouble with a show down.
Mathia: Hey! Pay attention to me!
Vamparagon: That does it Pere. You, me.
Peregrine: Right here, right now.
Vamp & Pere: DANCE OFF.
Chamberino: PLACE YOUR BETS HERE, PEOPLE.
Ragegamer: Five points on Vamp.
Sticky: Ten points on Vamp.
Erik: Seven points on Pere.
Cial: Fifteen points on Pere.
Ryzaa: Twenty points on Vamp.
Crystal Lion: Five points on Pere.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

Vamparagon does the caramelldansen. Peregrine break dances.

Ryzaa: Hold on, who's judging?
Chamberino: I'll just hold onto all these bets for you guys until we figure out who was judging.
Crystal Lion: Neither of them were really that good.
Mathia: HELLO?
Vamparagon: Look, what do you want? Can't you see we're in the middle of important bake sale planning?
Mathia: I'll be quick.
Vamparagon: You've got sixty seconds.
Mathia: I have injected TR's water supply with liquid madness!
Crystal Lion: That sure doesn't sound like a last minute plot device.
Mathia: Silence! Because of the liquid madness, everyone who drank water today is going to go insane. You've already seen what happened to Mrsebi!
Vamparagon: Wait, what happened to Mrsebi?
Ryzaa: Did anyone notice anything out of the ordinary with Mrsebi today?
Chamberino: Nothing more than I usually do.
Peregrine Can't say I did.
Vamparagon: Well, looks like Mathia lied to us.
Mathia: Hey, shut up okay? As I was saying, another one of you in this room has already gone insane. The only way to cure your friends is to-

The screen suddenly returns to the image of the sideways graph.

Vamparagon: Time's up.
Peregrine: Did you guys hear what he said? Any one of us could be the killer.
Ragegamer: Pere's got a point, what do we do about the other insane person?
Vamparagon: Finding the other insane person will be easy. Everyone pipe down for a second.

Everyone is silent as Vamparagon looks over them. His unflinching, scrutinizing gaze sends shudders down more than one of their spines. Beads of sweat begin to form on everyone's heads. Who would be the unlucky soul to receive Vamparagon's judgement? They all pray that only the guilty among them would be the one to suffer the wrath of Vamparagon, emperor of TR.

Suddenly, Xusha resumes singing happy birthday in Russian.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Vamparagon: It's Cial.
Cial: WHAT.
Ryzaa: I'll take him to the dungeon with Mrsebi.

A protesting Cial is dragged from the room by the second guard, Ryzaa.

Cial: I DIDN'T EVEN GET ANY LINEEEEEES.

The doors slam shut behind him.

Vamparagon: So, about that bake sale.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: I'm thinking we should have some cookies.
Vamparagon: I can see that happening.

The room is filled with the red glow and blaring of TR Castle's alarm. There is a loud slamming in the part of the room opposite Vamparagon's projection. Everyone spins around to view the source of the commotion and discover to their horror that the blast doors had been sealed, trapping everyone in the conference room inside. Vamparagon's graph once again changes to display Mathia's head instead of TR's third quarter earnings.

Mathia: HA HA HA. Now you will all go insane and kill each othe-

The projection vanishes entirely as Vamparagon pulls the plug on the LCD Projector.

Vamparagon: Escape plans, people.
Chamberino: Usually we build battering rams out of those frogzard marshmallow treats you won a lifetime supply of.
Vamparagon: Do we have any marshmallow frogzards on hand?
Erik: Nope.
Vamparagon: Is anyone here made of marshmallow frogzards?
Crystal Lion: Sticky is.
Sticky: Huh? No I'm-

A team comprised of Chamberino, Erik, Crystal Lion and Ragegamer lift Sticky up and point him head first towards the blast door.

Peregrine: That's funny. I thought Sticky was made of tape and scotch.
Sticky: SOMEONE HELP ME.
Vamparagon: On three now. One, two, three!

The team rushes towards the door as fast as they can. There is a sickening crunch as Sticky's head connects with the blast door at full force. His eyes roll back into his sockets and his body because very limp.

Erik: It didn't work.
Crystal Lion: Also, I think we're going to need a new Sticky in here.
Ragegamer: Alright, nobody panic. We can get out of this one. We've been in worse situations before, right?
Vamparagon: I need to pee.

There is a stunned silence among all those gathered.

Ragegamer: Okay never mind, we're in quite a pickle.
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, do you mind if I use your chair?
Peregrine: VAMPARAGON.
Vamparagon: Thanks.

*later*

Vamparagon: Okay, I'm done.
Chamberino: Did you wash your hands afterwards?
Vamparagon: No?
Erik: People, we need to get Vamp to a bathroom before he gets his germs on us.
Ragegamer: First thing's first, we need to get a janitor in here.

Ragegamer digs through his pocket and produces a cell phone. He dials a number and then holds the cell phone to his ear in preparation to speak with the person on the other end.

???: Hello?
Ragegamer: Hey Shadow.
Shadow: Oh hey Rage. What's up?
Ragegamer: We're going to need a janitor in conference room #1. We're sealed inside and Vamp had to go. One thing led to another.
Shadow: This is like the third time this week I've heard this story.
Ragegamer: Well, we do kind of pay you to do this sort of work.
Shadow: How dare you expect me to do the job for which I am paid. Well, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm taking a stand. Not for me but for my-

Ragegamer hangs up.

Ragegamer: Okay, janitor's not coming.
Crystal Lion: Now what do we do?
Peregrine: I have an idea. Let's hook Vamp up to a pulley and have it drag him from one end of the conference room to the other repeatedly.
Chamberino: Just what will that accomplish?
Peregrine: Nothing whatsoever.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE THE WORLD.

The construction of the pulley is a huge success. Ragegamer and Chamberino man opposite ends of the pulley, pulling Vamparagon to and fro between them. Vamparagon, suspended from the ceiling by a pulley being pulled from one end of the room to another, is having the time of his life.

Vamparagon: Hey guys, I can see my house from there.

Then suddenly, someone bursts through the blast door.

Ragegamer: We're saved!

Nagi looked around with an insane glint in her eye. Her arms were filled with amulets of all shapes and sizes.

Nagi: Amulets!
Chamberino: I don't think we're saved, guys.

Faster than anyone can blink, Nagi darts across the room, snatches the amulet that was around Xusha's neck, and bolts out the exit. Everyone stands around with a stunned look on their face. All except for Vamparagon, who was still suspended in midair. If Xusha noticed or regretted the loss, she did not show it, but instead continued to sing happy birthday in Russian.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO GET VAMP TO A BATHROOM TO WASH HIS HANDS.

Everyone snaps out of it. Erik, Chamberino, Crystal Lion, Peregrine and Ragegamer lift Vamparagon over their heads, being extremely careful his hands don't touch them, and charge out the door. Xusha follows behind them, continuing her song. Three minutes later, the party arrives at the entrance to the washroom.

Vamparagon: WAIT! STOP!

Everyone stops immediately. Stops walking, that is. Xusha continues to sing.

Vamparagon: This is the men's washroom.
Ragegamer: What's your point?
Vamparagon: The women's washroom has flowers in it. I want flowers.
Chamberino: But the women's washroom is a floor below here.
Vamparagon: FLOWERS.
Chamberino: FINE.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT TEN SECONDS TO GET TO THE FLOOR BELOW THIS ONE.

*nine seconds later*

Erik: Whew, made it.
Vamparagon: Thanks, guys. I'll take things from here.

Vamparagon strolls into the washroom, confident in his hand washing ability.

Ragegamer: Truly, he was the greatest of all the emperors.

It was in that moment Chamberino snapped.

Chamberino: STOP DROP AND ROLL.

Chamberino then immediately stopped, immediately dropped, and then began to roll down the hallway.

Erik: There goes a man with a dream.
Peregrine: I'll go get him.

Peregrine breaks off from the rest of the group and starts jogging after Chamberino.

Vamparagon: HELP.
Ragegamer: Looks like Vamp didn't manage to figure out how to wash his hands.
Crystal Lion: Maybe he slipped or something. I better go check on him.

Crystal Lion takes a deep breath to ready herself and then goes to save Vamparagon from himself.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: That's far enough, Chamb.
Chamberino: Ehehehehehehehe.

Chamberino rolls through a door.

Peregrine: Darn it, he rolled through a door.

Peregrine dashes to the door, opens it, and steps into the room. The site that greets him is one nightmares are made of. Standing over the now very still Chamberino is a monster. It is entirely covered in white fur. Its hands and feet are much darker shades of white, and they are both decorated with long jagged claws. The creature stands hunched over, its deadly barbed hands hanging limply in front of it. The creature's long snout takes a whiff of the air, and its head jerks upwards to gaze at Peregrine. Two black, empty eyes on each side of the snout regard him emotionlessly. Its ears hang limp at its sides as well, long, furry ears that stretch to its snout. It grins, its mouth revealing a row of razor sharp teeth.

Peregrine: 'sup Toy.
wwwtoy: Hey Pere. What's the deal with all the weird people around here?
Peregrine I dunno man. Mathia put liquid insanity or something lame like that into our water supply.
wwwtoy: Can the process by reversed?
Peregrine: Vamp kinda cut Mathia off before he told us that.
wwwtoy: So where is Vamp anyhow?
Peregrine: The ladies room.
wwwtoy: That figures. Looks like the only thing left to do is for the two of us to take some names.
Peregrine: Let's roll.

*meanwhile*

Crystal Lion: Alright Vamp, what happened?

Vamparagon is lying on the ground, tied up in paper towel in much the same manner as a mummy is tied up in bandages. Only his head remains uncovered.

Vamparagon: The paper towel dispenser tried to kill me. I think it might be in league with Mathia.

Crystal Lion, instead of untying Vamparagon, instead fashions a sled out of paper towel and begins to drag him behind her out the washroom.

Crystal Lion: Alright guys, I'm back.
Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!
Erik: So, what now?
Ragegamer: Now, we get revenge on Mathia for driving Cial and Chamberino insane. Not to mention nearly killing Sticky.
Vamparagon: Good thing Sticky was made out of marshmallow frogzards or Mathia might have gotten away with his nefarious scheme.
Erik: Alright everyone, we're going to have to find Mathia's evil lair.
Ragegamer: Then we may as well start with The Gentlemen of Lore Club that he owns.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE THE WORLD.

The group makes their way to the landing pad on top of the TR Castle via the nearby elevator. Vamparagon is dragged there by Crystal Lion using the sled. When they arrive, Dake is already up there barbecuing.

Dake: MORE FIRE ON THE BURNEEER.
Ragegamer: Looks like Dake's infected.
Vamparagon: Alright, now we just need to wait for the helicopter and hope Dake doesn't try to kill us all.

The group stands around waiting for ten minutes.

Vamparagon: If only we actually had a helicopter.

Suddenly, a gas balloon descends from the sky.

Erik: It's a bird!
Crystal Lion! It's a plane!
Vamparagon: It's Peregrine and Toy traveling in style.

The gas balloon touches down on the landing pad. Surely enough, Peregrine and Toy can be seen inside.

Peregrine: COME MY FRIENDS, BALDUR'S GATE AWAITS US.

The group boards the gas balloon and takes off. They begin to sail over the lake that surrounds TR Castle. Ragegamer takes a step backwards and trips over Vamp's limp and tied up form, causing him to stumble over the edge.

Ragegamer: VAAAAAAAAAAAMP.
Crystal Lion: MAN OVERBOARD.
Toy: GUYS, QUICK, WE'VE GOT TO GET MORE SAND BAGS UP.
Vamparagon: No no no no, you need to throw the sandbags off the balloon to go down.
Peregrine: Are you sure?
Vamparagon: Positive.
Erik: COME ON PEOPLE, WE'VE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAVE RAGE.

The group throws all of their sandbags off the gas balloon as quickly as they can. To their horror, the balloon begins to ascend rapidly instead of descending.

Vamparagon: Just kidding guys.
Everyone but Vamp & Xusha: VAMPARAGON.

There is a loud splash from below as Rage hits the lake. Following which, a moment of silence takes place, in which the only soul that can be heard is Xusha singing.

Xusha: С днем рожденья тебя!

The ascension of the balloon is halted by nothing. They continue to rise until they reach outer space, and eventually land on the moon.

Vamparagon: Hey guys, I can see my house from here.
Erik: Looks like we're on the moon.
wwwtoy: Yeah, funny how that works.

To the party's surprise, they are not the only residents of the moon. There is another man sitting down at a computer station, typing things into his monitor. The group edges around him to get a better look, and then are shocked to realize who it is.

Crystal Lion: Mathia? What are you doing here?
Mathia: How the heck did you guys find my evil lair?
Peregrine: It was pretty obvious.
Erik: Well, this is all very convenient.

*meanwhile*

Ragegamer drifts through the lake aimlessly until he spots an iceberg in the distance, and paddles towards it. He scales the icy cliff, and is surprised at who he finds drinking lemonade underneath an umbrella.

Ragegamer: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Alright, let's get this over with. Someone untie me.

It takes the combined efforts of everyone assembled to get Vamparagon unwrapped.

Vamparagon: Alright, it's show time.

*cue boss fight music*

Vamparagon: GO, MAGIKARP!
Mathia: That's how it's going to be, huh? Show him what a real magikarp can do, magikarp!
Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, USE SPLASH ATTACK.
Mathia: MAGIKARP, COUNTER ATTACK WITH A SPLASH ATTACK.

The two magikarps flounder around, unable to do splash attack as a result of a lack of water.

Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, GIVE HIM THE OLD SPLASH ATTACK.
Mathia: SHOW HIM WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF MAGIKARP. USE SPLASH ATTACK.
Vamparagon: MAGIKARP, AVENGE RAGE'S DEATH WITH A SPLASH ATTACK.
Crystal Lion: How long do you guys think they're going to go on like this?
Erik: I'm not sure, but I'd say we have enough time to pick up some postcards while we're on the moon.
Peregrine: Forget postcards, let's find some cheese to bring back.

Crystal, Erik, Peregrine and Toy leave to go and find some cheese.

*many splash attacks later*

wwwtoy: Oh man you guys, get a load of this piece of cheese.

Toy slices off a small piece of cheese. In his greed and foolishness, Toy somehow manages to cause the moon to become unbalanced. It begins to fall out of orbit down to Earth.

Erik: Way to go, Toy.
wwwtoy: It's not my fault things don't make sense.
Erik: Then whose fault is it?
wwwtoy: Peregrine's.
Erik: Way to go, Peregrine.
wwwtoy: We're all going to die because of you.
Crystal Lion: You're a jerk.
Peregrine: Sorry guys. ):

The moon falls to the Earth, right on top of TR Castle.

The explosion is deafening.

TR GOES DOWN, AND TAKES THE MOON WITH THEM
"Everyone likely to die as a result," officials say.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has come to what was literally a crashing end last Thursday, as the moon impacted with their headquarters, killing nearly everyone in the process.

"It was like dropping an egg on the floor," says farmer Bill Williams. "Only it was more like dropping a moon on a castle."

Rescue officials were on the scene almost immediately after the calamity, but were only able to pull four survivors from the wreckage, two of whom were immediately hospitalized with severe frostbite injuries from having escaped on an iceberg, and one of whom is currently in a mental institute. Fortunately, one of the survivors was available for comment.

"Dude, it was all like WHOOOOA," says Cial, the executive manager and creator of TR's brand of floss named "TRFloss". "If Vamp hadn't thrown me in jail, I wouldn't be alive right now. That's a pretty scary thought."

When asked if he had any plans for the future now that TR was gone, Cial had this to say to reporters:

"I survived because I was in the dungeons, which were far enough below ground to avoid destruction," explains Cial. "The only other things down there were Mrsebi and a lifetime supply of Marshmallow Frogzards."

"Those Marshmallow Frogzards should sell for enough so that I can retire quietly and live out my life in peace until everyone dies due to the fact that the moon was destroyed."

"The best techniques are passed on by the survivors."

The end.

by Peregrine Tue May 25, 2010 2:58 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2iw5c03

EVERYTHING PUT BACK TOGETHER IN TIME FOR NEXT ISSUE
Yes, even the moon.

Believing that they "owed the planet one", the surviving TR members went to work on piecing their castle as well as all of their deceased coworkers back together using modern science. They completed the final worker last Thursday.

Afterwards, TR reconstructed the moon and sent it back up into orbit around the Earth.

"It was really quite simple," says Sticky, the director of taping things together. "Putting pieces of the moon back together wasn't the real problem. The real problem was trying to figure out where all the little parts went."

"Luckily, we had an instruction manual from a LEGO version of the moon."

"Some parts were eaten before the incident," elaborates Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories. "It was delicious, by the way."

"Anyway, we were able to recover most of the eaten pieces without much trouble."

When asked how the eaten pieces were recovered, Peregrine declined to comment.

-Page 2-

EMBEZZLED MARSHMALLOWS
Guy goes to jail over marshmallows.

After the destruction of TR Castle, the executive manager and creator of TR's brand of floss named "TRFloss" had the gumption to steal the lifetime supply of marshmallow's that were stored in the TR Castle dungeons.

After a court hearing last Thursday, he has been sentenced to one story in jail.

"Oh come on," says Cial, the criminal scum in question. "I was the only person who was completely healthy after the events of the last story. I deserve some lines."

"I was outraged to learn of Cial's actions," says Vamparagon, emperor of TR. "That was MY lifetime supply of marshmallow frogzards."

"Now, if it had been Peregrine's, that would have been fine by me."

When asked if Cial would ever get any lines, Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories had this to say to reporters:

"Nope."

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently turned off. The newest member of TR's board of directors is giving a speech to the five people assembled around the table.

Charon: I think square coat hangers would be beneficial to the company because you could hang socks on them.
Peregrine: Objection. Socks are not square.
Charon: They are if you cut them into squares.

A moment of silence is shared between the six people.

Chamberino: Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Ragegamer: Begin mass production of your new product immediately.

It was in this moment that a man with wavy red hair burst through the doors opposite Charon and into the room.

Vamparagon: Team, I've got good news and bad news.
Sticky: Good news first.
Vamparagon: The good news is that I traded my magikarp for a fabulous leafeon, so I'll be ready for the next time Mathia tries to ruin us.

There is a round of scattered applause.

Vamparagon: The bad news is that Xusha was diagnosed with a terminal disease.

There is a moment of silence.

Crystal Lion: Which terminal disease?
Vamparagon: Being Russian.
Peregrine: Dear God.
Ragegamer: How long did they say she has?
Vamparagon: They gave her an estimate of fifty six years.

Another man bursts through the door. This one is holding a tray of brownies.

Erik: Hey guys, I made these for the bake sal-
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, I bet I can eat more brownies than you can.
Peregrine: YOU'RE ON.

Vamparagon and Peregrine dash over to the tray and begin stuffing their faces with Erik's bake sale goods.

Vamp & Pere: OM NOM NOM NOM.

Before anyone can blink, the brownies are gone.

Erik: MY BROWNIES.
Vamparagon: I won.
Peregrine: Did not.
Vamparagon: Did so.
Peregrine: Did not.
Vamparagon: Did so.
???: AND SO AS I PAINT-

The ceiling to the conference room slides back. Paint brushes begin to fall to the floor. One hits Sticky in the head.

Sticky: Hey, what gives?
???: -UNLIMITED BRUSH WORKS!

The room begins to rapidly fill with paint brushes. Those assembled have to climb on top of the rapidly growing piles of brushes in order to not be buried alive. Vamparagon digs through his pocket for his blackberry, finds it, and calls security.

Vamparagon: Ry, you there? We've got a situation in conference room #1.
Ryzaa: What's the matter, Vamp?
Vamparagon: We're under attack.
Ryzaa: Chaos?
Vamparagon: No.
Ryzaa: Mathia?
Vamparagon: No.
Ryzaa: Paper towel?
Vamparagon: Worse.
Ryzaa: Okay, I give up. What is it?
Vamparagon: Paint brushes.
Ryzaa: ...Paint brushes?
Vamparagon: Just get a rescue team together.
Ryzaa: Fine, but if I get down there and you're really getting beaten up by paint brushes I'm going to take a picture and post it on twitter.
Vamparagon: On second thought, we don't need you.
Ryzaa: Fine.
Vamparagon: Good.
Ryzaa: I'm glad.

Vamparagon hangs up.

Peregrine: I take it security isn't going to save us.
Vamparagon: Security? Forget about security. I have something even better.

Vamparagon swims through the paint brushes to the Macintosh computer that sits at the head of the conference room table and pushes some buttons.

Sticky: Watch out Vamp, you might void the warranty.
Vamparagon: Everyone might want to hang on to something.

The ceiling to the conference room closes once again, and the floor surrounding the table opens up instead, sending the paint brushes cascading down. Most people are able to grab onto their chairs. Charon grabs onto Vamparagon, and Erik grabs onto the door. Only Peregrine falls down into the depth with the paint brushes.

The floor closes.

Vamparagon: Oh man, I'm having a great day today. Tell you guys what. Lunch. My treat.
Everyone Else: Awww yeah.

Vamparagon's secretary enters through the doors.

Sepulchure00: You can't do that Mr. Paragon sir. You have an important meeting with Peregrine in five minutes.
Vamparagon: No, I'm going out to lunch in five minutes.
Sepulchure00: But Mr. Paragon sir, with all due respect that is highly improper conduct.
Vamparagon: So is the fact that Peregrine didn't show up for the meeting.
Sepulchure00: How do you know that for sure?
Vamparagon: Because, Sepulchure. I just threw him into the sewers.

*meanwhile*

The paint brushes and Peregrine land on a stone walkway. Peregrine is immediately hit with a revolting stench and begins to gag. Peregrine looks to the right and discovers there is a river of sewage in that direction, and that the trap door had led to the very bottom of TR Castle.

Peregrine: You know what I don't get? Why sewers smell so bad in Lore when no one ever has to go to the bathroom.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Anyway, I'm out to lunch. The rest of you make yourselves busy and try to figure out who just tried to bury us alive in paint brushes.
Crystal Lion: I thought you were taking us out to lunch as well?
Vamparagon: Oh yeah, I lied about that by the way. I'm only taking Sticky out to lunch.
Sticky: Awww yeah.
Vamparagon: That was also a lie by the way. I'm only taking my leafeon out to lunch.
The Poké Ball in Vamp's pocket: Awww yeah.

Vamparagon strolls down to the waterfront and has a relaxing walk along the pier. During his walk, he encounters a woman working on a portrait. Vamparagon, the aspiring artist he is, decides to show the woman how it's done.

Vamparagon: Stand back, let me show you how it's done.

Vamparagon pushes past the woman, takes down her portrait, puts up a fresh canvas, and begins to paint. Eventually, he steps aside to let the woman see his handiwork.

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 141uonl

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 141uonl

Woman: Terrible.

Vamparagon turns around to regard the woman. To his horror he discovers it to be Xusha.

Vamparagon: Xusha? What are you doing here?
Xusha: Painting.
Vamparagon: I thought you had a terminal disease?
Xusha: No?
Vamparagon: Really? Aren't you Russian?
Xusha: ...Was that supposed to be funny?
Vamparagon: I dunno. All I know is that-

Vamparagon takes on a dramatic pose.

Vamparagon: I'm thinking Arby's!

Vamparagon begins to stroll towards Arby's for lunch. Xusha's eyes narrow deviously. She quickly collects her art supplies and heads in the direction of TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: Man, these sewers sure are extensive. Good thing I found this alligator gondolier to take me out in his gondola.
Alligator Gondolier: I agree.

A section of the sewer that is entirely a stone floor comes into view. Thinking it to be the end of the sewers, Peregrine decides to tell the gondolier he's getting off.

Peregrine: Alright, this is my stop. Thanks for the help.
Alligator Gondolier: Hold it buddy, where's my money?
Peregrine: Tell you what, triple whatever I owe you and send the bill to Vamparagon.
Alligator Gondolier: Pleasure doing business with you.
Peregrine: Have a good one, man.
Alligator Gondolier: You too.

The Alligator Gondolier paddles away. Peregrine sees an overweight man and walks towards him.

Peregrine: Hey, can you give me some directions?
???: Hey, I'm the sewage cleanup guy. Can you find me some sewer crystals? I need them for-
Peregrine: Look pal, I don't have time for a ratchet and clank reference. I just want to know how to get out of here.
Sewage Cleanup Guy: Take the elevator.

The sewage clean up guy points to an elevator.

Peregrine: kthx

Peregrine clicks the up button on the elevator. He has to wait a good five minutes before the elevator arrives. Finally, it does. Peregrine enters and looks at the control panel. He is horrified to discover there are hundreds of buttons.

Peregrine: You'd think working here would have given me a better understanding of which floors are which.

Peregrine scans the button for his lucky numbers.

Peregrine: Let's see here... один... два... три... Argh, who installed this elevator.

*meanwhile*

Xusha is on a cliff overlooking TR Castle. She is smiling as she watches her army of painted soldiers assail the castle walls.

*close up of Xusha's face, just in case no one got this joke*

*meanwhile, Peregrine has devised an ingenious solution to his quandary*

Peregrine: I'mma just click all the buttons.

*later*

Peregrine ascends the first ten floors of TR Castle. On each floor, various people have been at work on various projects, none which were related to each other in any way. There was soap being made, boats being constructed, space marines being trained and tape measurers being measured by other tape measurers.

Peregrine: It makes you wonder what we even do around here.

The elevator doors open up and Mrsebi steps inside. Peregrine immediately tries to make a dash for it, but the elevator doors close abruptly.

Mrsebi: I'M SO HAPPY.
Peregrine: Oh boy.

Peregrine lunges for the emergency phone and dials.

Peregrine: Shadow? You there bro?
Shadow: Pere, I already told you I'm on strike.
Peregrine: This is an emergency.
Shadow: I bet it's not.

Peregrine holds the phone towards Mrsebi.

Mrsebi: HAPPY GO LUCKY ME.

Shadow: Pere? PERE?

Shadow is shouting at this point.

Shadow: HANG ON BUDDY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

There is a click on the other end of the line as Shadow hangs up. When the elevator arrives at the next floor, Shadow barges into the elevator waving a broomstick at Mrsebi.

Shadow: BACK, FELL BEAST.
Mrsebi: LIVING IN THE SUNLIGHT.

Mrsebi grabs Shadow's broomstick and pulls him into the elevator. Shadow drops the broomstick and it hits the floor. The door shuts behind him.

Peregrine: Some help you were.

Shadow begins banging on the walls.

Shadow: SOOOOOOMEOOONE HEEEEEEELP.
Mrsebi: LOVING IN THE MOONLIGHT.

One floor later, the elevator once again opens up. A security officer steps in and holds up his hand in a gesture to Mrsebi to stay where he is.

Peregrine: It's Weena!
Shadow: We're saved!
Weena: Alright Sebi, easy does it now. Just stay back, and I won’t have to use deadly force.

Weena draws his gun and takes a step forward to emphasize his point, but trips over Shadow's dropped broomstick, falling on his face. The elevator door shuts again. The gun goes off and a panel in the elevator ends up with a bullet hole through it.

Weena: Uh-oh.

Shadow groans.

Peregrine: Anything important behind that panel?
Shadow: The door controls.

There is a moment of silence between the three.

Mrsebi: HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.
Pere, Shadow & Weena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP USSSSSS.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa runs down to the entrance hall where a fire fight is raging. He ducks down behind the railing of the balcony he's on to avoid some gun fire and finds Charon lying on the ground.

Ryzaa: Char? Speak to me.

Charon replies weakly.

Charon: Xusha... Painted an army...

Ryzaa looks up to survey the situation below him. Soldiers made of paint are battling with TR security forces.

Flaw of Insanity: WE'RE GONNA NEED SOME SERIOUS FIRE POWER DOWN HERE.

It was in this moment that a large portion of the wall below Ryzaa is blown apart by a ballista bolt. He can't see anything, but he can hear Dake's voice from the hole.

Dake: DID SOMEBODY SAY SERIOUS FIRE POWER?
Flaw of Insanity: AWWW YEAH.

Suddenly, a horrified expression crosses Ryzaa's face.

Charon: It's not... That bad...
Ryzaa: I don't care about this. I just realized I left my bacon on the burner when I went down here to see what all the fuss was about.

Ryzaa begins running as fast as he can to the kitchen, leaving Charon and the battle behind.

*later*

Ryzaa bursts through the kitchen, rushes over to the stove, takes one look at his bacon and screams at the sky in despair.

Ryzaa: I WAS TOO LATE.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon is standing at the counter at Arby's. The cashier has just asked him a question.

Vamparagon: Why yes actually, I would like some extra bacon on my burger.
Cashier: Sir, I was asking if you were paying with cash or credit.
Vamparagon: For here.
Cashier: No sir, cash or credit.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa rushes into the deep freezer. His hope is that if heating up bacon burns it, cooling it down will unburn it. However, the deep freezer is already in use by someone. Someone sitting under an umbrella drinking lemonade.

Ryzaa: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: The usual.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon is seated at a table eating a burger. His leafeon is opposite him and is enjoying a salad.

Vamparagon: That extra bacon was a good call.

Suddenly, Vamparagon's phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and answers it.

Vamparagon: Vamparagon speaking.
Sepulchure00: Vamp! TR Castle was just taken over by Xusha. We need you down here.
Vamparagon: Alright, lemme finish my burger.
Sepulchure00: This is more impor-

Vamparagon hangs up and resumes eating.

*one burger and one salad later*

Vamparagon: You know, I'm feeling kinda thirsty. I think I'll get something to drink before I go.

*one medium pepsi later*

Vamparagon: Alright, NOW it's time to go.

Vamparagon walks down to TR Castle. To his dismay, he finds hundreds of staff loitering about in a large encampment.

Vamparagon: Hey! I never gave you slackers permission to slack off!

Ryzaa wanders over to him.

Ryzaa: Vamp, chill. We were kicked out of the castle by Xusha, who has taken over.
Vamparagon: That figures. Is everyone accounted for?
Ryzaa: No, actually. Sebi, Rage, Pere, Sticky, Weena and Shadow are all missing.
Vamparagon: Alright, I'm going in.
Ryzaa: Fine, then I'm going with you. I owe Xusha one for burning my bacon. Security Officers #1 and #2, take up flanking positions!
Generic Security Officers: Sir! Yes sir!

Vamparagon, Ryzaa, and the two security officers enter the castle and sneak around. They are fortunate enough not to encounter any opposition along the way. Eventually, they make their way to the roof of the castle, where someone is hiding, and using a water gun to fend off painted soldiers.

Sticky: Man, am I glad to see you guys.
Ryzaa: What are you doing here, Sticky?
Sticky: Rage and I were working on figuring out who tried to bury us alive in paint brushes when the attack happened. We didn't hear it so we ended up getting trapped in the castle.
Vamparagon: So, where's Rage?
Sticky: He said something about you not saving him when he fell off the balloon in the last story and went to join forces with Xusha.
Vamparagon: Why I never.

All heads turn in surprise when the elevator arrives at the roof.

Vamparagon: Huh? Who's that?

The elevator door remains closed. The group edges closer, and is eventually able to make out a faint whisper.

???: Heeeeeelp!
Ryzaa: Someone's stuck. Security Officer #2.
Security Officer #2: Yes sir.

Security Officer #2 places a unit of C4 on the door.

Ryzaa: Everyone better stand back.

Security Officer #2 rushes back to the group.

Security Officer #2 Fire in the hole!

The elevator door blows off. Peregrine, Shadow and Weena tumble out.

Mrsebi: And now my friends, I will sing the whole song yet again.

Weena launches himself at the elevator, hits a button on the control panel and throws himself out before the elevator starts to descend. Mrsebi's song is lost within ten floors.

Ryzaa: ...How long have you guys been in there?
Shadow: Oh, just about all day.
Vamparagon: Pere.
Peregrine: Vamp.

The group descends down the staircase. On the eighteenth floor, Vamparagon's interest is piqued by something.

Vamparagon: Is that a DDR machine in that room whose door is ajar?
Peregrine: I think it might be.

Vamparagon and Peregrine run into the room and start throwing down. The rest of the group watches from the door.

Vamparagon: DANCE.
Peregrine: DANCE.
Vamparagon: DANCE.
Peregrine: DANCE.
Vamp & Pere: REVOLUTION.

Ten minutes after the competition started, both Vamparagon and Peregrine's scores were zero.

Shadow: Should we tell them that they need to step on the arrows?
Ryzaa: Nah, let's just go.

The group departs, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine behind. They dance for another ten minutes, before they both turn around to the sound of the door to the room slamming shut. Xusha stands in front of the now closed door.

Xusha: I see the two of you are still in TR Castle. I suppose you'll want to know why I turned evil. You see, it all started when-

There is a beep from Vamparagon's pocket.

Vamparagon: Hang on a sec Xusha, I gotta check my email.

Vamparagon pulls out his blackberry.

Xusha: Hey! You can't do that while I'm in the middle of m-
Peregrine: Oh snap, is that a Pearl 3G?
Vamparagon: Yeah, actually it is.
Peregrine: Nice blackberry, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Thanks.
Xusha: Are you two listening to me at all?

Vamparagon's expression suddenly turns to one of shock.

Vamparagon: I OWE A TALKING ALLIGATOR WHO OPERATES A GONDOLA SERVICE IN THE SEWERS UNDERNEATH TR CASTLE HOW MUCH MONEY?

Peregrine begins to whistle.

Vamparagon: Xusha, I'm holding you personally responsible. This is coming out of your pay check.
Xusha: You don't get it, do you? I took over TR. I'm the one who writes pay checks now.
Vamparagon: WHAT.
Xusha: Yeah.
Vamparagon: No, I just didn't hear you. Sorry.
Xusha: I TOOK OVER TR.
Vamparagon: WHAT? NOBODY MESSES WITH TR. PERE, IT'S SHOW TIME.
Peregrine: I'VE GOT YOUR BACK, VAMP.

Vamparagon summons his leafeon. Peregrine summons his charizard.

Vamparagon: GO LEAFEON, USE FANGORN ROOTS.
Peregrine: CHARIZARD, USE INFERNAL INCINERATOR.

Charizard and Leafeon look at each other with puzzled expressions.

Charizard: Charizard?
Leafeon: Leafeon, leafeon.
Xusha: Your POKéMON don't have those attacks.
Vamp & Pere: Oh.

Xusha waits patiently while Vamparagon and Peregrine think of a new plan.

Vamparagon: ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO.
Peregrine: TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE.
Vamparagon: FORM OF:
Peregrine: DIGITAL ARTISTS.

Vamparagon and Peregrine start dancing. There is a bright flash of light that looks something like the flare of a lens that causes Xusha to shield her eyes. There are more bright flashes of light in the room, causing Xusha to stumble out into the hallway. More bright flares flash all around her, leading her to believe that the same bright flashes of light were occurring all over the castle.

Xusha: ARGH, STOP THAT.
Peregrine: AND SO AS WE PHOTOSHOP-
Vamparagon: -UNLIMITED FOCAL POINT WORKS.

TR Castle is filled with lens flare, obliterating all of Xusha's painted soldiers. The entire foundation starts to rock. Security Officer #1 loses his balance and falls to the ground.

Security Officer #2: You alright, security officer #1?
Security Officer #1: Yeah, I'm just peachy. Thanks for the concern, security officer #2.

*meanwhile, in the big bad's lair*

The Big Bad: It would seem that Xusha failed to take over TR, and all Mathia did was be in the general area when TR accidentally destroyed itself. I sure hope the next boss I throw at them has more success.

Spoiler:

The Big Bad: I just can't win, can I? ):

*meanwhile*

DANGEROUS CRIMINAL ROAMS THE STREETS ONCE MORE
Just kidding, it's only Cial.

The master thief Cial was released from prison today.

"THIS is headline news?" Cial asked reporters in his interview. "I was in jail for about six hours because I stole some marshmallow frogzards."

"It's not a big deal," adds Cial. "Get over it."

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon and Peregrine are confronting Xusha outside in the corridor.

Xusha: Oh dash it, this ruins my evil plan. I don't know how, but it does.
Peregrine: ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE.
Vamparagon: Hey Pere, how 'bout some lunch as an apology for throwing you into the sewers earlier? My treat.
Peregrine: Gee Vamp, thanks a bunch.

And so they all lived happily ever after.

Vamparagon: I lied about taking you out to lunch, by the way.
Peregrine: Yeah, I know.

The end.

by Peregrine Tue May 25, 2010 8:23 am

SECRET ENDING.

Vamparagon walks into the conference room the next day. The only other person who is in the conference is Peregrine, who was still asleep from the last meeting. Vamparagon's phone rings. He checks it. The sound of the ringing wakes Peregrine up. Peregrine looks over at Vamparagon.

Peregrine: Hold up, is that an iPhone 3GS?
Vamparagon: Yeah, I figured it was time for an upgrade.
Peregrine: Can I have your blackberry if you're not going to use it?
Vamparagon: No.

The end.

by Peregrine Sun May 30, 2010 2:33 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 221h6d

The scene opens up to a man walking down the hallway of TR Castle. There are many doors on either side of him. Being the curious fellow he is, he is sneaking between the doors and listening in on the conversations being had within them using the key holes.

Shadow: So, which toilet's overflowing again?
Vamparagon: All of them.
Shadow: Also, on which floor?
Vamparagon: All of them.

Security Officer #1: STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM.
Security Officer #2: YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW.
Security Officer #1: PAY THE COURT A FINE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE.
Security Officer #2: YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT.

Chamberino: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Practicin'.
Chamberino: For what?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

Eventually, he comes to a door that is partially ajar. He peeks in and finds himself in a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently turned off. The only person in the conference room is Peregrine, who is still asleep from the last meeting. Peregrine wakes up and looks over to regard the man.

Peregrine: Oh hey Cial.
Cial: Hello. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I DID IT, PEREGRINE. I FINALLY GOT A LINE.
Peregrine: Doesn't count.
Cial: What do you mean, it doesn't count?
Peregrine: This isn't an actual story chapter. Therefore, it doesn't count.
Cial: Oh, give me a break.
Peregrine: Don't worry, we'll invent a creative way to get rid of you in time for the next chapter.
Cial: Man, this sucks. By the way, is it just me or is the conference room missing a wall?
Peregrine: Now you're just talking nonsense.

Cial leaves the conference room and starts walking down the hall dejected. He runs into Wixmagic along the way.

Wixmagic: Hello. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I DID IT, CIAL. I FINALLY GOT A LINE.
Cial: Yeah, too bad nothing counts for this story since it's not an official chapter.
Wixmagic: Laaaaaaaaaame.
Cial: I know, right?
Wixmagic: Dude, I have an idea. Let's go find that other minor character Mrsebi and have our own plot.
Cial: Oh man, we'll be like, the main characters. Let's do this.

*later, at Mrsebi's house*

Cial and Wixmagic walk in through the open door and into Mrsebi's kitchen. Mrsebi is at the kitchen and is eating a piece of paper with a picture of an egg on it. The piece of paper is covered in pepper.

Cial: Hey Sebi, want to go on an adventure with us?
Mrsebi: YES.
Wixmagic: So, what should we do? Should we have a trainer battle on the moon? Or maybe we'll infiltrate and reclaim TR Castle from Xusha's painted army?
Mrsebi: LET'S CHANGE MY LiGhT bUlB.
Cial: Uhhhh, that's not an adventure Se-
Mrsebi: LIGHT BULB.
Cial: Fine, fine. We'll help you change your light bulb.

The group collects light bulb changing supplies. Wixmagic goes to the garage and returns with a step ladder. Cial goes into Mrsebi's storage closet and comes back with a new 60 watt light bulb. Mrsebi finishes his breakfast and washes up.

Cial: Alright, let's do this.

Wixmagic sets the ladder up under the light bulb that needs changing. Mrsebi climbs it and starts beating the old light bulb with the new light bulb.

Wixmagic: Wait, stop! You're going to break it!

Sure enough, both light bulbs shatter. Cial and Wixmagic have to duck to avoid the falling shards of glass and mercury.

Cial: It sure is a good thing this story is already so unrealistic, otherwise we'd have to address the fact that we just got mercury everywhere.

Mrsebi climbs down from the ladder and makes a proclamation.

Mrsebi: LET'S GO TO THE HARDWARE STORE AND BUY MORE LIGHT BULBS.

The group goes to the garage and gets in Mrsebi's pool. The pool grows wheels and they travel to the hardware store. The group enters and looks around. They finally find the light bulbs next to the children's books section.

Mrsebi: LIGHT BULBS.

Mrsebi picks up as many light bulbs as he can carry and the group goes to the counter to check out. On the way back to Mrsebi's house, Mrsebi starts making wrong turns.

Cial: Hey, uh, Sebi? This isn't the way to your house.
Wixmagic: Yeah. This is the way to TR Castle.
Mrsebi: RAVANGE.
Cial: WAIT WHAT.

The group arrives at TR Castle. Cial and Wixmagic, who are now Mrsebi's hostages, are ushered out. They try their best to look natural as they walk past the guards.

Cial: HEY GUYS.
Wixmagic: NOTHING UNNATURAL HERE.
Cial: NOPE.
Security Officer #1: Alright, thanks for the heads up that nothing's going down.
Security Officer #2: Move along, good people of TR.

The group carries on past the guards and through the main entrance hall. Security Officer #1 suddenly narrows his eyes and glances over at Security Officer #2.

Security Officer #1: Hey Security Officer #2, did Cial and Wixmagic just get lines?
Security Officer #2: Huh. You're right. That seems almost... Unnatural.

The sudden revelation that something unnatural was in fact about to happen caused the two generic security officers to jump to.

Security Officer #1: I'LL GO AFTER THEM. YOU GET RYZAA ON THE PHONE.
Security Officer #2: RIGHT.

Security Officer #1 charges headstrong into the castle, while Security Officer #2 phones Ryzaa for backup.

Ryzaa: Ryzaa speaking.
Security Officer #2: Sir, we've got a situation down here and need some back-up.
Ryzaa: What kind of situation are we talking about here?
Security Officer #2: Cial got lines.
Ryzaa: ...I'll get a team together ASAP.

Security Officer #2 hangs up and barges into TR Castle's entrance hall. To his right, Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and Weena are charging in through a door on the right that leads to the barracks. Directly in front of Security Officer #2, Vamparagon and Shadow are hurrying down the staircase that leads into the castle proper, taking the steps two at a time.

Vamparagon: Who upgraded our alert level to DEFCON 5?
Shadow: Wait, isn't that the lowest?
Vamparagon: What's your point?
Ryzaa: I did, Vamp.
Vamparagon: And why, pray tell, did you do that?
Ryzaa: Cial got lines.

There is a moment of silence among all those assembled as the revelation that Cial got lines sinks in.

Vamparagon: I want everyone looking for him, do you understand me? Everyone.
Ryzaa: What about Ice?
Vamparagon: Okay, everyone except Ice since he's a busy man.

All heads turn to the top of the staircase to regard a man at the top who is shouting.

Mrsebi: IT'S TOO LATE VAMPARAGON. I HAVE REPLACED ALL THE LIGHT BULBS IN TR CASTLE, AND THERE'S NOT A THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Shadow: Oh, thanks. That actually saves me a lot of work.
Vamparagon: Well, this was a productive afternoon. I think I'll take my second lunch break now.
Weena: Hold everything, Vamp gets two lunch breaks?
Security Officer #2: Man, I don't even get a name. If only I were a main character.
Mrsebi: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU OYSTERS AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ANTAGONISTS? WHILE YOU MAY BE HAPPY NOW, JUST WAIT UNTIL THE REVELATION COMES THAT NONE OF THE NEW LIGHT BULBS WERE OF THE ENERGY SAVING VARIETY .
Vamparagon: Okay, I've had just about enough of this. Flaw.
Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

Flaw of Insanity goes up the stairs, picks Mrsebi up roughly, and carries him away to the dungeons.

Vamparagon: Now that that's out of the way, I'm off to lunch. You oysters go find Cial.

Ryzaa, Weena, Shadow and Security Officer #2 organize the people at TR Castle into groups of four and they begin combing the place for Cial. Eventually, one group finds him and Wixmagic tied up in the glue storage facility.

Sticky: Someone call Ryzaa and let him know we found them.

While Nagi phones Ryzaa, wwwtoy and Peregrine untie the two.

wwwtoy: What are you guys even doing in the glue storage facility?
Peregrine: Also, why do we even have a glue storage facility?
Sticky: I'm kind of in charge of the glue storage facility.
Peregrine: Well, that figures.
Cial: Sorry everyone.
wwwtoy: Don't worry, looking for you gave us the day off from working. Not that we actually do any work around here, mind you.
Cial: No, I'm sorry Wix and I trying to be main characters resulting in all the damage Sebi caused.
Peregrine: Sebi caused damage?
Wixmagic: What'd he do with all the light bulbs then?
wwwtoy: What one usually does with light bulbs. Replace old light bulbs with them.
Wixmagic: Wait, that's all?
Cial: Hey guys... I know this is a bad time to ask, but can I have some lines for the next chapter?
Peregrine: Sure.
Cial: Really? You mean it?
Peregrine: Yeah Cial, you can have some lines for the next chapter.
Cial: AWESOME! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

TR PARTICPATES IN COMPANY WORKER EXCHANGE PROGRAM
"Cial is about to get written out of the story again," experts predict.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has recently listed itself as a participant in a company worker exchange program.

The program will have two companies exchange a worker with each other. TR will be exchanging a worker with one of their lead competitors.

"The primary goal is to strengthen the bond between our two companies, to pave the way to a brighter and more profitable future for the both of us," explains Ragegamer, a high ranking director from TR. "The secondary goal is to write Cial out of the show as part of a recurring gag."

When asked what he thought of the program, Cial had this to say to reporters:

"I only want some lines. Why can't anyone respect that?"

"I found two thousand ways how not to make a light bulb."

The end.

by Peregrine Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:26 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2m64ug2

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

MiltFan666: -And that is why I think Miltonius is the most powerful being in all of the world.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
MiltFan666: You are wrong sir! I came from the womb of Miltonius, and am his eternal serv-
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

MiltFan666: I'll have you all know that The Miltonius Fan Club have a lot to offer TR!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, MiltFan666. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
MiltFan666: Yes, in fact they were just saying how Miltonius was-
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in The Miltonius Fan Club.
Cial: I'm not at The Miltonius Fan Club.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at the Miltonius Fan Club? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Miltonius Fan Club Member: WHO HERE HAS DRUDGEN?
Miltonius Fan Club Member: ANYONE HERE WITH DRUDGEN?
Miltonius Fan Club Member: I WANT DRUDGEN.
Xusha: :(

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Oh well. I'm sure we'll figure that out eventually. Anyway, on to business.
MiltFan666: By the way, do any of you have Drudgen?
Vamparagon: Today's the day of our big bake sale that we've been planning.
Peregrine: I think Vamp has Drudgen.
Vamparagon: I for one finished making some serious subs this morning. What did the rest of you bring?
MiltFan666: Vamp, may I please see Drudgen?
Vamparagon: You wanna see what now?
Erik: Well, I made brownies but you and Pere ate them all.
MiltFan666: Drudgen.
Vamparagon What's a Drudgen?
Mrsebi: I MADE BRUSHED TEETH.
MiltFan666: Someone here said you had it.
Mrsebi: I BRUSHED 'EM REAAAL GOOOD.
Vamparagon: If it was Peregrine who said that, then tell him that on a scale of one to ten he's fired.
Sticky: I brewed some scotch.
MiltFan666: He says he doesn't have Drudgen.
Peregrine: Try asking him again.
MiltFan666: Vamp, may I please see Drudgen?

Suddenly, the conference room doors swing open and someone new steps in, dragging a man behind them.

wwwtoy: I made something for the bake sale.

wwwtoy throws the man down onto the ground.

Walt: Ow!
Vamparagon: So, let's recap here. For the bake sale, we've got subs, eaten brownies, Sebi's teeth, scotch and Walt.
Ragegamer: That about sums it up.
Vamparagon: Shouldn't be too bad then. Erik, Sebi, Sticky, Toy, Rage, you five go and set up shop somewhere and sell the merchandise. Cial, Peregrine, you two are fired. The rest of you go about your regular duties.
Cial: FIRED?!
Peregrine: WHAAAAAAAA-
Charon: So what will you be doing?
Vamparagon: I'll be down at Yulgar's having a relaxing drink.

Peregrine's eyes narrow cunningly as he quietly gets up and exits the room. The rest follow suit. The five that were selected gather up any bake sale goods and head towards the great outdoors. Cial heads to his office to pack his things. He is gloomy, and has his head down. Halfway there, he raises his head, and a look of determination crosses his face.

*later*

Erik: Well, here we are at this bake sale location.

A small cart is positioned on a street corner. In the cart are Vamparagon's subs (all two and a half of them that they had been given by Vamparagon), some crumbs that Erik had saved from his brownies, Sticky's bottle of scotch, and Walt. Sebi's teeth also have a price tag on them, which is attached to his teeth by string.

Mrsebi: Yummy yummy yummy yummy!
Sticky: So, do we just stand here until someone comes along?
Ragegamer: Yep.

Many people walk by the cart without even giving it a second glance. Eventually, one person dares to stop and purchase something.

Dake: I'll take the scotch.
Ragegamer: That'll be five gold.
Dake: Only five gold? What a deal.

Dake moves to pick up the bottle of scotch. As soon as he touches it, his face turns to a grimace of absolute horror.

Dake: This scotch is warm.
Sticky: Yeah, I forgot to cool it.
Dake: Just what kind of bake sale are you running here?

Dake storms off in a huff. Sticky looks like he feels kind of bad.

wwwtoy: Maybe we should have told him that he got a free Walt with every purchase of scotch.

Elsewhere, Cial is giving a speech to a large group assembled in TR Castle's cafeteria. Many people are shouting and cheering him on.

Cial: THE TIME HAS COME FOR US TO TAKE A STAND.
Nagi: YEAH!
Cial: MINOR CHARACTERS, ONE AND ALL.
Wixmagic: YEAH!
Cial: WE WILL TAKE TR FOR OURSELVES!
Thoru: YEAH!
Cial: NOTHING WILL STAND IN OUR WAY!
Winnie: YEAH!
Shadow: I don't even have my own name!
Cial: Eh? Shadow, you're not really a minor character.
LightningZStar: That's not Shadow, that's the other Shadow.
Juliana: We usually just call him Shadz to prevent confusion.
Cial: Oh, sorry Shadz.
Shadz: Sheesh.
Cial: Anyway, let's appoint one of us minor characters as the new emperor of TR!
Everyone Assembled: CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL! CIAL!
Cial: I ACCEPT THE TITLE OF EMPEROR OF TR.
Everyone Assembled: YEAH!

Ryzaa walks into the cafeteria for a quick coffee break and sees the assembly.

Ryzaa: Alright, just what in the name of emperor Vamparagon is going on here?

Ryzaa, having said the forbidden name, receives the cold angry looks of the mob.

Ryzaa: Oh for the love of crap, not THIS again.

Ryzaa tries to run but the mob tackles him. He is pinned to the ground, and then dragged off to the castle dungeons.

Cial: Scour the castle of everyone who's ever played an important role in this story! Send them all to the dungeons!

The mob dissipates to carry out Cial's will. Cial takes a seat at a cafeteria table to plan out the next stage of his plan: Vamparagon's demise.

*elsewhere*

Vamparagon: This berry mug sure is delicious. And it only cost one hundred gold!
Yulgar: Come again!

Vamparagon finds himself a table in the corner, next to a bush. He then takes a sip out of his berry mug. As he does so, a thought occurs to him.

Vamparagon: Hmmmm... I probably could have stolen that scotch Sticky made and drank that for free.

The bush near Vamparagon's table rustles a little, but Vamparagon pays it no heed.

Vamparagon: I wonder how the bake sale is going, anyway.

It is in that moment of nonchalantness that Peregrine makes his move. He leaps from behind the bush and grabs Vamparagon by the scuff of the neck.

Peregrine: FIRING ME, HUH?
Vamparagon: UNHAND ME, VILLAINOUS FIEND.

A beam of green light descends from the ceiling above the two of them, and consumes them both. All the patrons in the inn regard the now empty table for about a minute. They then look back to their berry mugs.

Inn Patron: I think Yulgar may have added too many berries to this batch. I just saw two guys get abducted by aliens.

*meanwhile*

Peregrine: Way to get us abducted by aliens.
Vamparagon: That's funny. I was just about to say the same thing to you.

The two are in darkness for a good minute before the room is filled with a blinding light. The two stand there blinking while their eyes adjust. Once adjusted, they discover that they have indeed been abducted by aliens and that they are indeed on a space ship. The room they are in is completely silver, and has a seamless silver door with a window that is seemingly the only exit.

Vamparagon: I guess we'd better go through this door.
Peregrine: Yep.

A moment of complete silence is shared between the two as they ready themselves for the perils ahead. Finally, the silence is broken.

Peregrine: Ladies first.
Vamparagon: No no, I insist.

The temperature suddenly drops. White gas begins to fill the room. Both Vamparagon and Peregrine realize that the room is some sort of freezer, and that they're what's being preserved.

Peregrine: Well, then I'd be more than happy to go first.
Vamparagon: THE DOOR'S LOCKED. WE'RE DONE FOR.

Peregrine rushes over to the door and pushes it. To Vamparagon's surprise, the door swings outwards.

Peregrine: Looks like it was unlocked.
Vamparagon: Well then.

The duo leaves the freezing room and begins to explore the ship. Many doors are on either side of them. One of them catches Vamparagon's eye.

Vamparagon: Pere, check this out.

Peregrine moves to the door Vamparagon is standing in front of. The two peer into the window. They are both surprised at what they see.

Peregrine: It's Ice!

Peregrine opens the door, and the two step inside. The temperature in this room is beyond freezing. Icewolfking himself, who was supported by the door, falls to the ground. Vamparagon moves over to him and shakes him, trying to get a reaction.

Vamparagon: Ice? Speak to me buddy. Ice?
Icewolfking: ...
Vamparagon: Ice!
Peregrine: Maybe we should thaw him out first.
Vamparagon: Oh, yeah. Good idea.

The two drag Icewolfking out of the room and seal the door again. It takes a while, but eventually Ice is able to move and talk again.

Icewolfking: 'sup guys?
Vamparagon: Ice? How did you get here?
Icewolfking: Well, I was chillin', and then I was abducted by aliens.
Vamparagon: Then what happened?
Icewolfking: Well, then as you could see, I went back to chillin'.
Peregrine: We should find the escape pods so we can escape.
Icewolfking: Sure, just let me get my stuff.

Icewolfking goes back into the cryogenic freezing room and returns with an umbrella and a frozen glass of lemonade.

Icewolfking: Now we can go.

*elsewhere, at TR Castle*

The room is dark and barren. Its stone walls are cracked, and moss is growing in the cracks. In one corner, is a table with two chairs. Manacles attached to chains hang from the walls. The bones of someone who was thrown in the dungeons that Vamparagon must have forgotten about litter the floor. Many of the TR members who stayed loyal to Vamparagon are playing with a deck of cards that they found on the table.

Shadow: Charon, got any sevens?
Charon: Go fish.

*elsewhere*

This room is even darker. There is a table and a chair in the center, at which Sepulchure00 is seated. The only light source in the room is a lamp, which is being shone upon Sepulchure00's face. A man -- Cial -- is pacing back and forth interrogating Sepulchure00.

Cial: Where is Vamparagon?
Sepulchure00: I dunno.
Cial: You should, you're his secretary.
Sepulchure00: Well, I don't.

Cial suddenly slams his fists on the table. Sepulchure00 pales a little.

Cial: We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way.
Sepulchure00: I really don't know anything.

In the darkness, Sepulchure00 can hear Cial dialling a cell phone.

Cial: Send in the weapon codenamed: EXCHANGE.

Sepulchure00 gulps as the door to the interrogation room opens. A man is ushered in by Alderos and Shadz, who both immediately make a break for it.

MiltFan666: Hi.
Sepulchure00: Um, hello?
MiltFan666: Anyone here have drudgen?
Sepulchure00: NO, PLEASE. NO MORE, NO MORE. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW, JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

Alderos and Shadz burst in and sedate MiltFan666. In the darkness, Cial is rather pleased with himself.

Cial: Where is Vamparagon?
Sepulchure00: YULGAR'S. HE WENT TO YULGAR'S.

*meanwhile*

Sales at the bake sale continue to be unsuccessful. Mrsebi's teeth are especially unpopular items. Suddenly, the bake sale cart is smashed by a wrecking ball.

Erik: Hey! What gives!
Dake: Cial's orders. He said to use a wrecking ball to destroy your bake sale.
Sticky: THIS IS OVER THE SCOTCH, ISN'T IT?
Dake: Maybe.
wwwtoy: Nobody worry, it looks like Walt is okay.
Walt: It hurts to breathe.
Mrsebi: THAT WRECKING BALL MAKES ME WANT GRAVY.

*later*

A sports car pulls up at Yulgar's inn. Cial, Weena, Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 step out and enter the inn.

Cial: Yulgar, where is Vamparagon.
Yulgar: He got abducted by aliens.
Cial: Oh. Well then. I guess that saves me some trouble dealing with him.
Yulgar: Yep, sure does. By the way, since you're his successor, you can pay for his tab.
Cial: Uhhh, I sort of don't have any money on me.
Yulgar: That's okay, you can wash dishes instead.
Cial: Hah! An emperor wash dishes. Weena, you and the unnamed security officers-

Cial looks around him fervently but is unable to find Weena, Security Officer #1 or Security Officer #2.

Cial: THEY LEFT ME TO WASH THE DISHES MYSELF.
Yulgar: Soap's under the counter of the sink in the back room, by the way
Cial: So just how high is Vamp's tab?
Yulgar: Did you have plans for the summer?
Cial: Yes?
Yulgar: Then you're not going to like what I have to tell you.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine and Icewolfking wander the ship until they finally find the escape pods. Just as they're about to make their exit from the ship, another man jumps in front of the escape pod hatch.

InvadersFromDeepSpace: If you wish to pass, you must prove your strength to me by battling!
Vamparagon: Piece of cake.

InvadersFromDeepSpace throws out his Arceus. Vamparagon throws out his Leafeon.

Peregrine: Why do we need to have a trainer battle?
InvadersFromDeepSpace: GO ARCEUS, USE JUDGEMENT!
Peregrine: Can't we just punch him in the face and move on?
Vamparagon: LEAFEON, COUNTER WITH LEAF BLADE!
Peregrine: Vamp, are you even listening to me?
Vamparagon: Shut up, Pere.
Peregrine: Excuse me?
Vamparagon: I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS TRAINER BATTLE HERE, OKAY?

*one trainer battle later*

Vamparagon: Awww yeah, leveling up my Leafeon.
InvadersFromDeepSpace: Maybe you have defeated me, but the golden throne aboard this ship will never be yours!
Peregrine: We don't care.
Vamparagon: Gold throne, you say?
Peregrine: VAMP.
Vamparagon: You guys go on ahead, I'll meet up with you later.

Vamparagon goes running off through the ship's corridors. Icewolfking and Peregrine make their exit via an escape pod. Vamparagon eventually finds the gold throne InvadersFromDeepSpace spoke of situated on the bridge of the ship. It is huge and made of solid gold. Vamparagon tries sitting on it, and discovers to his pleasant surprise that it is very comfortable for a solid piece of metal.

Vamparagon: What a throne. It even has a lever next to it so I can recline.

Vamparagon pulls the lever next to the throne. There is a hiss from underneath the throne before the throne suddenly bursts into flames from the bottom. The force of the explosion catapults the throne upwards, through the glass ceiling of the space ship's bridge, and out into the skies of Earth.

Vamparagon: YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

The solid gold ejection seat flies downwards through the air until its trajectory is halted by connecting with the escape pod Peregrine and Icewolfking are in. The ejection seat's engines are burned to crisps by the escape pod's engines, and it ends up riding on top of the escape pod.

Peregrine: That thump I just heard better not have had something to do with Vamp.
Icewolfking: Dude, you have GOT to chill.

The escape pod and the gold throne soar back down to the ground until finally landing in the lake that surrounds TR Castle. Peregrine and Icewolfking get out and clamber onto the top of the escape pod where Vamparagon and the gold throne are. Icewolfking gets his umbrella up and begins using the excess heat from the engines to melt his lemonade.

And so, there they were. Peregrine, looking grumpy and stranded on an escape pod floating in a lake with Vamparagon. Icewolfking, doing what he did best. And Vamparagon, underneath Icewolfking's umbrella, sitting upon his golden throne. The true emperor of TR.

Later that day, all the members of TR are assembled in the cafeteria. Excluding Xusha, who is unaccounted for.

Vamparagon: Well Cial, I gotta say. You did a fine job filling in for me. So fine in fact, that I take back what I said about firing you.
Cial: Wait... You think I did a good job?
Vamparagon: You threw about half the castle workers in jail and ruined today's bake sale. Cial, that's exactly what I would have done. Furthermore, I found the wrecking ball very innovative. Excellent work.
Cial: Uhhh... Thanks I think. So does this mean I can still be emperor?
Vamparagon: Hahaha, sure Cial. From this point on, you are now emperor of TR.
Cial: Wow! Really?!
Vamparagon: No.
Cial: Oh.
Vamparagon: But I will give you five minutes to get your crap out of my office before I tell Flaw to throw it out for you.
Cial: Well... Thanks, I guess.

It is in that beautifully happy ending that Xusha decides to stumble into the cafeteria.

Xusha: Dru... Dru... Drudgen... Drudgen... Must see... Drudgen...

Xusha collapses on the floor. Everyone stares at her for about a minute before returning their attention to Vamparagon.

Vamparagon: Also, I've decided to take back what I said about firing Peregrine as well.
Peregrine: Oh? Why's that?
Vamparagon: Well Pere, if it weren't for your inability to fly an escape pod, you never would have crashed into my throne while I was driving, and then I might have died in the impact with Earth.
Peregrine: But you crashed into me.
Vamparagon: Anyway, that'll be all. Dismissed.

The group dissipates from the cafeteria.

EMPEROR VAMPARAGON'S NEW CHAIR
This is headline news for some reason.

A strange new golden throne has appeared in TR Castle. According to a spokesperson for TR, the chair is the property of emperor Vamparagon, the leader of TR.

"He stole it from some aliens," says Chamberino, a high ranking TR official. "Since stealing isn't illegal as long as you're stealing from aliens, that makes it his."

"We're repaired the rocket boosters on the golden throne," remarks Dake, TR's engineering specialist. "Just in case he needs to make a quick getaway."

However, not everyone thinks Vamparagon's new chair is the best thing since sliced bread. Crystal Lion had this to say to reporters.

"He's started calling it the golden throne of terror, and he's making plans for a space station with a throne room built into it that will orbit the sun. I'm a little worried his ego is going to become too large to deal with."

Whatever the outcome, one thing can be certain. Things will never be the same as they used to be at TR.

"The thing I don't understand is why so often one hears discussion of the fruits of human labour as if it's all the creation of some alien race."

The end.

by Peregrine Mon Jun 14, 2010 3:28 am

The Emperor Strikes Back: Scrapped Exchange Workers.
I went through a lot of possible candidates for the exchange worker. Here are a few that stood out from the rest.

Nuke

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

Nuke: Indeed.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
Nuke: LOL.
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

Nuke: XD

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, Nuke. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
Nuke: Indeed.
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in Nukia.
Cial: I'm not at Nukia.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at Nukia? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Nukian: WAR!!!
Nukian: WAR!!!
Nukian: MORE WAR!!!
Xusha: Peace?
Nukia: No.
Xusha: :(

Mathia

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man is standing at the head of the table, giving a speech to those assembled.

Mathia: -And that is why I think I'm better than you.
Ragegamer: Where did this guy come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
Mathia: Why don't you come over here Ragegamer and we'll settle this face to fac-
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish he wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

Mathia: I'll have you all know that The Gentlemen of Lore has a lot to offer TR!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, Mathia. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
Mathia: Yeah, but I'm much better than they ar-
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in The Gentlemen of Lore.
Cial: I'm not at The Gentlemen of Lore.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at The Gentlemen of Lore? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

Gentlemen of Lore Member: I say chaps. Fine day, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Slepndid day, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Quite so, wot.
Xusha: I say, what a day, eh?
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Blimey chaps. That was quite a failure, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Extroadinary failure, wot.
Gentlemen of Lore Member: Quite so, wot.
Xusha: :(

A Tape Recorder

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Nine people are seated around the table, most of whom were looking quite bored. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A tape recorder is sitting at the head of the table.

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Ragegamer: Where did this thing come from, again?
Crystal Lion: A bad idea.
Chamberino: Also known as: A company worker exchange program.
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Erik: Oh shut up.
Sticky: I wish it wouldn't-

Sticky reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pair of sunglasses, and puts them on.

Sticky: -stick around.

YEEAAAAHH.

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!

All of a sudden, a man with wavy red hair bursts into the conference room.

Vamparagon: Oh, hi there, tape recorder. I trust my employees are making you feel welcomed.
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Vamparagon: -on that note, I wonder how Cial is doing in Tape Recorders Inc.
Cial: I'm not at Tape Recorders Inc.

*gasp*

Vamparagon: What do you mean you're not at Tape Recorders Inc? I'm positive I wrote you down as the guy we were getting rid of.
Cial: Erm, no?
Vamparagon: Oh. Well I guess that's one recurring gag thrown out the window.
Charon: Only question now is, who did we end up sending?

*meanwhile*

A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
A Tape Recorder: That's what SHE said!
Xusha: :(

by V Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:36 am

Bonus Scene #2 feat. V
(Unlocked if you buy both disc collections and beat the Elite Zards 4 times.)

It was a peaceful afternoon in the TR Castle. Vamp was walking down the hallway with his unplugged Macintosh laptop under his arm, retrieving some frozen vegetarian sausages from the freezer. As he opened the door, he noticed Icewolfking.

Vamp: Ice, what are you doing?
Ice: Come on Vamp.
Vamp: You're right. But Peregrine has always portrayed me as clueless.
Ice: We have to fight the power, man.
Vamp & Ice: FIGHT THE POWER.

After their bohemian activities, Vamp noticed Ice's lemonade cup was empty.

Vamp: Hey Ice, do you want some more Lemonade?
Ice: Okay.
Vamp: I think I'll take my second lunch break now. I'll get your lemonade afterwards.
Ice: Alright, I'll just be here chil--

Ice: Whoah! Is that pink lemonade?
Vamp: No. It's just watered down Kool-Aid.

Ice: Oh.

by Peregrine Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:35 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 35ckadw

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. Five people are seated around the table. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently off. A man with wavy red hair and a zard are at the head of the table. The man is sitting in a golden throne; the zard is standing next to him. The man is giving a speech to those assembled while stroking the zard's head.

Vamparagon: Everyone, meet my new hot girlfriend: Cocoa.

The zard's eyes regard each of the five people in turn, sizing them up for snacks.

Erik: Uhhhh...
Xusha: It's a zard, Vamp.
Erik: Ermmm...
Mrsebi: ALSO, EVERYONE MEET MY NEW HOT GIRLFRIEND, KATHERINE.
Katherine: I like blood.
Mrsebi: SO DO I.
Katherine: I like the feel of blood dripping down my face.
Mrsebi: I LIKE THE FEEL OF BLOOD PUMPING FROM MY HEART.
Katherine: I enjoy the screams of horror uttered by my victims as I murder them.
Mrsebi: I ENJOY IT WHEN MY RED BLOOD CELLS CARRY OXYGEN TO MY TOES.
Katherine: Oh, Sebi.

Cial looks from side to side, feeling rather left out.

Cial: Hey so uhhh Xusha... I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to go out to lunch today with me.
Xusha: Sorry Cial, but when the time comes my heart will go to a main character.
Cial: Hey! I get all sorts of lines these days!
Vamparagon: Oh, that reminds me.

Vamparagon hits a few of the keys on his laptop. A trap door opens underneath Cial's chair, causing him and his chair to fall into the depths below.

Vamparagon: Hmmm... I told the person who installed it to have it make a whoosh sound. Anyone know where Dake is?
Xusha: Come to think of it, where is everyone else? Is this it? Did everyone just not come today?

Vamparagon flips open his cell phone, dials, and holds the device to his ear.

Flaw of Insanity: Acting head of security, speaking.
Vamparagon: Wait, what? Where's Ry?
Flaw of Insanity: He and the rest of security are going on the fishing trip.
Vamparagon: So you're telling me that over half my company is going on a fishing trip and I'm just finding out about it now?
Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

Vamparagon flips his cell phone closed and rises from his throne angrily.

Vamparagon: Be right back.

Vamparagon makes his way out of the conference room, down the building's elevator, and out the front gates of TR Castle. Once there, he finds several dozen trailers, and many of his employees preparing supplies for a serious fishing trip.

Ryzaa: Hooks?
Chamberino: Check.
Ryzaa: Sinkers?
Chamberino: Check.
Ryzaa: Lines?
Vamparagon: Just what in the name of Cocoa's beautiful scales is going on here.
Ryzaa: I thought I explicitly stated Vamp wasn't invited. How'd he find out about this?
Vamparagon: You're in front of my castle. It was only a matter of time until I walked outside for a lunch break.
Ryzaa: Hmm, maybe this WAS a bad idea.

It was then that Icewolfking walked past carrying a mini-fridge full of lemonade and an umbrella.

Icewolfking: Yo.
Vamparagon: Hey Ice.
Ryzaa: 'sup Ice?

Icewolfking continues on. Vamparagon and Ryzaa resume arguing.

Vamparagon: So all I have left of this company while you guys are away is Xusha, Cial, Sebi, Katherine, Erik and Flaw?
Ryzaa: Yeah, pretty much.
Vamparagon: Leave me one more person and I'll let you go.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Peregrine.
Vamparagon: I don't want Peregrine.
Ryzaa: Would you rather have Toy?
Vamparagon: Yes, actually.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Toy.
Vamparagon: I don't want Toy without Walt.
Ryzaa: Fine, you can have Walt as well.
Vamparagon: Can I have Security Officer #2 as well?
Ryzaa: No. I'm drawing the line at Security Officer #2.
Vamparagon: Oh, come on. I need more security than just Flaw.
Ryzaa: Nah, don't worry. I posted on twitter that we were all leaving and not to attack TR Castle until we get back.
Vamparagon: Oh, well I guess that's okay then. Have a good trip.

Ryzaa leaves to fetch wwwtoy and Walt. When he returns, Peregrine is with him instead.

Ryzaa: I couldn't find Toy or Walt, but here's Peregrine instead.
Vamparagon: I explicitly stated that I don't want Peregrine.
Ryzaa: Well, he's all you're getting.

Ryzaa walks away, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine alone.

Vamparagon; I really didn't want you.
Peregrine: Yeah, I got that, thanks.

The procession of vehicles rolls out, leaving Vamparagon and Peregrine standing alone in front of the gates of TR Castle.

Vamparagon: Oh for the love of... I got distracted and forgot to talk to Dake while I was out here.
Peregrine: That's a shame.
Vamparagon: No, what is a shame is that you're going to be fulfilling all the jobs usually done by the people who just went fishing.
Peregrine: But we don't even know what most of them do while they're not on screen!
Vamparagon: Then I guess that sucks for you.

Vamparagon heads into the castle parking lot, gets in his car, and drives home. Upon his arrival at his house, he enters to discover the light is on in the living room. He enters the living room, and sees Cocoa.

Cocoa: Grawr rawr arwrar.
Vamparagon: Hey hun, I'm home. So, what did you think of my employees? Pretty stupid, aren't the-

Vamparagon is then cut off by a loud flushing noise, followed by Erik entering the hallway adjoining the living room through the second door on the left.

Vamparagon: Just what in the name of leafeon's green leaves is going on here.
Erik: I had to go.
Vamparagon: You better not have messed with my flowers. I just picked that bouquet this morning, and I have to say it was the most innovative bouquet yet.
Cocoa: Ararw grawr drawr.

Vamparagon regards Cocoa with a shocked expression, and then looks back at Erik.

Vamparagon: No, seriously Just what in the name of Sticky's sticky glue storage facility is going on here.
Erik: Uhhhh... Well... The reason I was so nervous in the conference room when you introduced Cocoa is because... Uhhhhh...
Vamparagon: Spit it out before I start beating you with my golden throne.
Erik: Cocoa's my pregnant wife.

*meanwhile*

wwwtoy: Walt, you make a terrible bait.

wwwtoy had just reeled his line in to discover that no fish had taken an interest in his bait -- Walt.

Walt: The fish hook hurts.
wwwtoy: Do better this time.

wwwtoy casts his line, causing Walt to fly back into the lake.

Ragegamer: Isn't this a dead lake?
Crystal Lion: Why would it be?
Ragegamer: Before TR, Vamp was the owner of a successful oil refinery. The wind blew pollution from it into this lake until Vamp was forced to shut down because he had killed everything in the lake.
Ryzaa: So you're telling me that Vamp ruined my fishing expedition three years in advance?
Ragegamer: Yes.

*meanwhile*

Xusha: Pere? What are you doing here?
Peregrine: Chillin'.
Xusha: Where's your umbrella?
Peregrine: Bah, I knew I forgot something.
Xusha: Stop trying to fill in for Ice. You just aren't cool enough.

*ba-dum-TSSH*

Xusha leaves the mini-fridge and returns to her table. Peregrine squeezes himself out of the mini-fridge and walks to the bar counter where Flaw of Insanity is seated. The bartender, a man named Robaldo, is busy scrubbing a glass.

Peregrine: Rob, I'll have a sidewinder fang.
Robaldo: All we have is TR ale, friend.
Peregrine: ...Fine.

Robaldo leaves to fetch Peregrine a glass of TR ale. Flaw of Insanity, beside Peregrine, holds up his own TR ale in a gesture.

Flaw of Insanity: You should've asked for tap water.

Suddenly, TR Castle's alarm starts blaring.

Flaw of Insanity: Let's roll.
Peregrine: Awww yeah.

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine rush to TR's entrace hall. A large mass of armed people are already milling about, looking rather lost. Flaw of Insanity puts his hand on his holstered pistol and he and Peregrine walk out to meet a man who appears to be the leader of the mob.

Flaw of Insanity: Can we help you?
Angel of Grief: We heard TR was planning to attack us.
Peregrine: We aren't.
Angel of Grief: Oh really?
Peregrine: Yeah, really.
Angel of Grief: Oh, okay then.

Angel of Grief shouts at his people to leave and the group mills back outdoors.

Angel of Grief: Thanks for clearing that up.
Peregrine: No problem.

Angel of Grief leaves. The entrance hall doors slam shut. Flaw of Insanity flips open his security issue cell phone and types in a number. The alarm turns off, and TR Castle is once again quiet.

Flaw of Insanity: I guess that's one crisis averted.

The entire castle shakes as something impacts with its walls.

Flaw of Insanity: Here comes the next one.

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine run outside to find out who's attacking them now. Many gentlemen in expensive suits, top hats and monocles are running around firing ballista bolts at TR Castle's walls. The integrity of the walls is already starting to fail, and portions of the wall are missing where ballista bolts broke through the stone. Suddenly, a man with a jetpack descends from the sky to gloat over Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine.

Mathia: I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D SEE ME AGAIN, DID YOU?
Flaw of Insanity: Can't say I did.
Mathia: WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN IT WAS I WHO TOLD ANGEL OF GRIEF THAT YOU WERE PLANNING TO ATTACK HIS COMPANY?
Peregrine: Not really. Minor inconveniences are your style.
Mathia: WOULD IT ALSO SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN IT WAS I WHO TOLD RYZAA TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY FOR A FISHING TRIP?
Peregrine: No.
Mathia: AND WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU TO-
Flaw of Insanity: Can you stop yelling at us?
Mathia: -HEY, SHUT UP. I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT BECAUSE I'M TAKING OVER TR.
Flaw of Insanity: We'll just see about that.

Flaw of Insanity draws his pistol and fires at Mathia's right jetpack engine. The engine goes out and Mathia starts spinning around in circles while ascending.

Mathia: CURSE YOU. WHOEVER YOU ARE.
Flaw of Insanity: The name's Insanity. Flaw of Insanity.
Mathia: AAARRRRRGHHHHH.

Mathia spirals off into the sky. Flaw blows off the smoke from his pistol and reholsters it.

Flaw of Insanity: Looks like I just proved I'm better than Mathia.
Peregrine: Yeah, but who hasn't?
Flaw of Insanity: I guess you're right.

A ballista bolt lands dangerously close to Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine.

Peregrine: Time to go.

The duo races back into the castle, avoiding enemy fire. They slam the grand hall doors shut and close all the castle's blast doors.

The battle for TR Castle had begun.

*elsewhere*

Vamparagon: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Erik: It's true, Vamp.
Vamparagon: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Erik: Uhhh, Vamp?
Vamparagon: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Erik: Yeah.
Vamparagon: Cocoa... I... I...

Vamparagon turns away from his hot frogzard girlfriend.

Vamparagon: It's over.

A single tear rolls down Cocoa's cheek. Erik goes over to the sofa and holds Cocoa in his arms, comforting her. Cocoa begins crying uncontrollably.

Vamparagon: I want you both out of my house this instant.

Without anyone expecting him too, Mathia bursts through the window. His jetpack propels him into the wall. The jetpack is knocked off his back, sending him tumbling to the ground. The jetpack then sails around until finally flying back out the window.

Mathia: VAMPARAGON, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I TOOK OVER TR.
Vamparagon: Mathia, I'm really not in the mood for jokes right now.
Mathia: NO, SERIOUSLY.
Vamparagon: Whatever. I don't care.
Mathia: AND NOW, THAT ART COMPANY HAS FINALLY FALLEN.
Vamparagon: Hold up, art company? We're clearly a health institution.

*flashback*

Doctor Cial and Doctor Juliana are running through the halls of a hospital rolling a white bed behind them. In the white bed is Alderos.

Doctor Cial: WE'RE LOSING HIM.
Doctor Juliana: PASS ME THE DEFIBRILLATOR.

*meanwhile*

Doctor wwwtoy and Doctor Chamberino are leaning over a bed. In the bed is Walt.

Doctor wwwtoy: HE'S MISSING THREE LEGS.
Doctor Chamberino: STAND BACK, I'M GOING TO PERFORM CPR.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Mrsebi and Doctor Security Officer #2 are leaning over a bed. In the bed is Shadow.

Doctor Mrsebi: WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO OPERATE. DOCTOR SECURITY OFFICER #2, PASS ME THAT HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH.

Doctor Security Officer #2 passes Doctor Mrsebi a ham and cheese sandwich.

Shadow: I'm fine. Really.

Mrsebi begins to hit Shadow in the chest with the ham and cheese sandwich.

Shadow: Stop that.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Cial: I'm sorry Doctor Juliana. He's gone.
Doctor Juliana: Poor Alderos. At least we did everything we could.

*meanwhile*

Sticky: I need immediate medical attention.
Xusha: Please take a number and have a seat.

Sticky takes a number from the dispenser. His number is 7.

Sticky: Alright! My lucky number!

Sticky looks at the now serving display. It reads: "Now Serving: -1323925287190"

Sticky: I'm not going to make it, am I?
Xusha: No.

*meanwhile*

Doctor Mrsebi: OPERATION.
Shadow: Look, I really am fine, oka- OH GOD IT BURNS.

A scalpel pierces Shadow's skin from underneath the skin and cuts his chest open. Doctor Security Officer #2 opens up Shadow's skin and peaks inside to see what happened.

Doctor Security Officer #2: Doctor King? What are you doing here?
Doctor Icewolfking: Operatin'.

*/flashback*

Vamparagon: Every day, the men and women of TR are saving lives.
Mathia: What are you talking about? You didn't save any lives in that flashback. In fact, Alderos died.
Vamparagon: Shut up Mathia.
Mathia: Like I was saying, I took over TR.
Vamparagon: I don't care.

Vamparagon props the collar on his coat, turns around, and walks out the door in slow motion. Cocoa pleads with him to stay, but he pushes her away and gets in his car. The car drives away from Vamparagon's parking lot. Cocoa is left stunned and in tears in the driveway, being held by Erik. Mathia is standing around looking rather disappointed that Vamparagon didn't care he took over TR.

*elsewhere*

Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine are standing on top of the bar counter in TR Castle. Assembled in the cafeteria are all the workers of TR who hadn't gone on the fishing trip with Ryzaa (Robaldo, Xusha, Cial, Mrsebi, Katherine and ObliviousEffect).

Flaw of Insanity: Where did Erik go? Wasn't he here as well?
Xusha: He left with Cocoa.
Flaw of Insanity: Who?
Xusha: Vamp's girlfriend.
Flaw of Insanity: You mean that thing has a name?
Peregrine: Anyway, so we're all here to discuss how we're going to combat The Gentlemen of Lore.

The castle foundation rocks.

Katherine: I'll make them bleed.
Mrsebi: THAT'S MY GIRL.
Xusha: I could paint some defences.
Peregrine: How do you make paintings come to life, anyway?
Xusha: Well Pere, I'm glad you asked. FOR BEHOLD-

Xusha leaps up onto a nearby table and raises a paint brush into the air.

Xusha: -THE BRUSH OF MAKING PAINTINGS COME TO LIFE.
Cial: Pretty anti-climatic name right there.
Flaw of Insanity: Alright, we can go down to the armoury and everyone who wants to aid in the defence can grab something.
Mrsebi: Wheeee!
Flaw of Insanity: Everyone except Sebi and Katherine.
ObliviousEffect: Fools.

ObliviousEffect walks out of the cafeteria. As he's in the door frame, he inclines his head to regard the group with his back still turned to them.

ObliviousEffect: You never guessed.
Robaldo: What's he on about?

ObliviousEffect whips out a top hat and puts it on.

Robaldo: OH MY GOD.
ObliviousEffect: FYI, I'm a spy.

ObliviousEffect pulls out a detonator from his pocket and clicks the red button. He then leaps out of the room. From underneath the bar counter, Flaw of Insanity and Peregrine can hear a faint beeping.

Flaw of Insanity: EVERYONE GET DOWN.

Everyone jumps through the air in a very dramatic manner as the counter explodes.

WILL ANYONE SURVIVE OBLIVIOUSEFFECT'S BETRAYAL?

WILL VAMPARAGON'S BROKEN HEART EVER MEND?

WILL SEBI EVER STOP BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST?

JOIN US NEXT STORY FOR THE STUNNING CONCLUSION.

To be continued...

by Peregrine Thu Jun 24, 2010 8:47 pm

A Guide to Characters in The Tales of TR

Leader of TR:

Name: Vamparagon
Role in TR: Emperor
Character Bio:
The leader of TR. Vamparagon is a stylish man fond of apple technology and lunch breaks.

Second-in-Command of TR:

Name: Leafeon
Role in TR: Vamparagon's POKéMON
Character Bio:
Distinctly fabulous.

TR's Board of Directors:

Name: Ragegamer
Role in TR: Head of Being Important
Character Bio:
A very important man who is important. To what? That remains unseen.

Name: Chamberino
Role in TR: Department Head of Odd Smelling Items
Character Bio:
A swindler at heart. Chamberino is more likely to be found cheating you out of points than actually working.

Name: Peregrine
Role in TR: Department Chief of Miscellaneous Accessories
Character Bio:
Vamparagon's rival since they were children. What was his name again? Oh yes, that's right. His name was jerk face.

Peregrine: VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMP.
Vamparagon: kekekekekekekeke
Professor Oak: What?

Name: Xusha
Role in TR: Head of Paint Brushing
Character Bio:
HAIL MOTHERLAND. RUSSIA WILL RISE AGAIN.

Name: mrsebi
Role in TR: Captain of the Gravy Train
Character Bio:
Has a great appreciation for modern art.

Name: Sticky
Role in TR: Director of Taping Things Together.
Character Bio:
A man whose identity of being made out of marshmellow frogzards has recently been thrown into question.

Name: Erik
Role in TR: Head of Keeping Track of the Time
Character Bio:
A man who keeps track of the time. Because no one else can.

Name: Cial
Role in TR: Executive Manager and Creator of TR's Brand of Floss Named "TRFloss"
Character Bio:
Is he even in the story? I don't remember him.

Name: Crystal Lion
Role in TR: Head of Something oh God I don't know
Character Bio:
A showgirl. Why a showgirl works at an office/castle place and is on the board of directors is beyond me.

Name: Charon
Role in TR: Department Chief of Closet Related Items and Part Time Hair Dresser
Character Bio:
The newest addition to the board of directors.

TR's Security Forces:

Name: Ryzaa
Role in TR: Head of Security
Character Bio:
Is commonly asked by Vamp to save him. However, he usually leaves Vamp to fend for himself.

Name: Flaw of Insanity:
Role in TR: Second-in-Command of Security
Character Bio:
A security officer who is very serious about his job.

Name: Weena
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
A guy who messed up big time when he trapped himself and two other people in an elevator with mrsebi.

Name: Security Officer #1
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
N/A

Name: Security Officer #2
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
N/A

TR's Employees:

Name: Shadow
Role in TR: Janitor
Character Bio:
The first person you call when Vamp needs to go.

Name: wwwtoy
Role in TR: Mutant
Character Bio:
A cross between a rabbit and a man. Or was that a bunny and a man? I think it was a bunny and a man.

Name: Dake
Role in TR: Engineering Specialist
Character Bio:
A REAL man.

Name: Icewolfking
Role in TR: Professional Cool Guy
Character Bio:
The main character of this story.

Peregrine: Ice! I leave my computer for three seconds and when I get back you're writing in my new encyclopedia?
Icewolfking: No.
Peregrine: Well then, what are you doing?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

Name: Sepulchure00
Role in TR: Vamparagon's secretary.
Character Bio:
The guy who cancels things on Vamp's sceduale to make room for multiple lunch breaks. Possibly the most important person in TR.

Name: Walt
Role in TR: The Guy Toy Thinks is an All Purpose Everything
Character Bio:
Can usually found being used by Toy. No task too trivial!

Name: Katherine
Role in TR: Sebi's Girlfriend.
Character Bio:
Likes blood. Possibly more than Sebi.

Name: Cocoa
Role in TR: Erik's pregnant wife. Vamparagon's girlfriend.
Character Bio:
A source of much heartbreak.

Name: Robaldo
Role in TR: Bartender.
Character Bio:
Serves only TR ale.

Name: Alderos
Role in TR: Guy who dies a lot.
Character Bio:
Dead.

Name: Wixmagic
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Not happy with his minor character status.

Name: Nagi
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Thoru
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Winnie
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: LightningZStar
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Juliana
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Name: Shadz
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Yet to play an important role in the story.

Antagonists:

Name: The Big Bad
Character Bio:
A mysterious person who is somehow connected with both Mathia and Xusha's attempts to take over TR. Has yet to be encountered.

Name: Mathia
Character Bio:
The leader of The Gentlemen of Lore. Constantly tries to destroy TR for an unexplained reason.

Name: InvadersFromDeepSpace
Character Bio:
POKéMON trainer from outer space. The person Vamparagon stole his golden throne from.

Name: ObliviousEffect
Character Bio:
A spy for The Gentlemen of Lore planted in TR.

Other:

Name: MiltFan666
Character Bio:
An exchange worker from The Miltonius Fan Club.

Name: Alligator Gondolier
Character Bio:
An alligator who operates a gondola service in the sewers underneath TR Castle.

Name: Sewage Cleanup Guy
Character Bio:
A Ratchet and Clank reference.

Name: Angel of Grief
Character Bio:
The leader of The Realms.

by Peregrine Sat Jul 10, 2010 9:29 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2zqsd2d

The scene opens to the entrance to a huge petting zoo. A huge fancy sign nearby reads: "TR Presents: Zard Land". At the entrance, ten people are standing around listening to another man with wavy red hair talk.

Vamparagon: Welcome, my board of directors, to my new petting zoo!
Xusha: Not bad.
Ragegamer: Where did you find the money for all this?
Vamparagon: It came out of Sticky's pay check.
Sticky: Awww man.
Vamparagon: Sticky, I hired you under the pretence that you were made out of marshmallow frogzards. We all know how that turned out.
Sticky: Yeah, it turned out with me getting my head battering rammed into a blast door.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET OBAMA.

The group proceeds inside. Somewhere past the front gate, a trap door opens up and swallows Cial. He is never heard from again.

Cial: WWWHHHHYYYYYY.

Moving on. The group enters the main building in the zoo and gets a tour guide named LightningZStar. LightningZStar leads the group onwards into the zoo. They arrive at the first pen shortly. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Chamberino: Next exhibit?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Crystal Lion: Yeah, really. We've all seen frogzards before.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

Vamparagon is sad, so the group moves on. Eventually, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Erik: Maybe I should have worn sun screen.
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Ragegamer: Are these all going to be frogzards?
LightningZStar: Yeah, pretty much.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

The group moves on. Vamparagon steadily becomes unhappier. Fortunately, LightningZStar came prepared for such an event. He puts the cooler he brought along with him on the ground and opens it. After he does so, an umbrella extends from the cooler and opens. LightningZStar ignores the umbrella and searches the cooler for a cone of ice cream, which he finds wedged in between the beer and Icewolfking.

LightningZStar: Here you are Mr. Paragon, two scoops.
Vamparagon: Yay! :)
Charon: Wait a minute, Ice? What are you doing in there?
Icewolfking: Chillin'.

LightningZStar closes the cooler and then the group is off again. Soon, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Peregrine: I'm starting to see a trend here.
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Mrsebi: I WANT TO SEE A TOADZARD.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

The group goes off once again. Soon, they come to another pen. A large sign reads: "DO NOT PET - DANGEROUS."

LightningZStar: And this is a frogzard.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Xusha: Wait a minute, has anyone seen Cial?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Peregrine: This is getting old.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: No Mr. Paragon, you can't pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: It's very dangerous.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(

Once again, the group is off. Many people are looking annoyed. Soon, they come to another pen.

LightningZStar: And this is a rock.
Vamparagon: OOOOOHHHHH.
Chamberino: A rock?
Vamparagon: AAAAAHHHHH.
Chamberino: Are you serious?
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: Yes Mr. Paragon, you can pet it.
Vamparagon: Why not?
LightningZStar: I said you CAN pet it.
Vamparagon: Awww. :(
LightningZStar: Just go pet it.

Vamparagon jumps the fence. Once he's in, he begins to slowly edge closer to the rock, so as not to alarm it.

Ragegamer: Vamp, it's a rock.
Vamparagon: Shhh, you'll wake it up.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T HOLD BACK ANYMORE. I MUST SHAKE HANDS WITH OBAMA.

Mrsebi jumps into the pen and runs towards the rock. Vamparagon begins to protest. Mrsebi jumps onto the rock. The rock begins to barrel roll out of the pen, with Mrsebi log riding on top of it.

Vamparagon: SEBI.
Mrsebi: GIDDYUP.
LightningZStar: Oh boy.

Mrsebi and the rock crash through the fence. He gives one "YEE-HAH!" before riding off into the sunset.

Vamparagon: This is the worst petting zoo ever.

Suddenly, Flaw of Insanity comes out of the trees. He has the rock under his arm and Mrsebi by the collar.

Flaw of Insanity: Sir.
Vamparagon: Flaw, you truly are the only competent employee in this entire company.
Flaw of Insanity: Thank you sir.

Flaw of Insanity puts the rock down in the pen and drags Mrsebi off to the petting zoo dungeons. Vamparagon begins to pet the rock.

Vamparagon: Yay! :)

The group starts to walk away from the rock pen. Eventually, they turn in the direction of the sun. Peregrine puts on sunglasses. Erik puts on sun screen. From behind a tree, a rock watches Peregrine wear his sunglasses. Watches, and learns.

Crystal Lion: I can't shake the feeling we're being followed.
Chamberino: I bet I have more followers on twitter than any of you.
Sticky: What does that have to do with ANYTHING?
Vamparagon: I have over three hundred followers.
Chamberino: WHAT.
Ragegamer: No way.

During the twitter discussion, the rock has returned, It is now wearing sunglasses like Peregrine is. The group continues. Soon, they arrive at the next pen. Shadow is inside the pen.

LightningZStar: And this is an emo.
Vamparagon: Gross.
Shadow: How much am I getting paid for this, again?
Vamparagon: Ewww, what are those sounds coming out of its mouth?
LightningZStar: That's called angst. He's very emotional, hence the term emo.
Shadow: This is stupider than having to clean up Vamp's... Actually, forget I said anything.
Vamparagon: Can I pet it?
LightningZStar: Yes Mr. Paragon, you can pet it.
Vamparagon: Yay! :)

Vamparagon runs into the pen and begins to pet Shadow on the head.

Sticky: Is it just me, or does Vamp resemble Sebi a little more every day?
Chamberino: He's just having a lot of fun, that's all.

After Vamparagon finishes petting Shadow, the group comes to the end of the tour.

LightningZStar: And that concludes your tour. I hope you all enjoyed it. The gift shop is on the left, and the exit is straight ahead. Have an excellent day.

LightningZStar leaves the nine remaining board of directors members standing in the gift shop to discuss the tour amongst themselves.

Vamparagon: Well? Best petting zoo ever right guys?
Ragegamer: ...
Crystal Lion: ...
Erik: ...
Peregrine: ...
Chamberino: ...
Sticky: ...
Charon: ...
Xusha: ...
Vamparagon: Well?
Xusha: Seriously?
Erik: That. Sucked.
Sticky: Is that it?
Chamberino: What just happened?
Ragegamer: Four frogzards, a rock, and Shadow?
Charon: I think the best part was when Ice said "Chillin'". It was hilarious.
Peregrine: You know, I think Crystal was right about us being followed.

Everyone begins to look around, getting the same feeling. Suddenly, the rock wearing sunglasses bursts out of the foliage and barrel rolls towards Peregrine. Someone screams like a little girl.

Chamberino: Crystal? You alright?
Crystal Lion: It wasn't me.
Ragegamer: Xusha?
Xusha: Nor was it me.
Vamparagon: Sorry. I just got startled is all.

The rock stops at Peregrine's feet.

Peregrine: Uhhh, 'sup?
Rock:
Crystal Lion: It likes you, Pere!
Vamparagon: Alright people, let's give it a name.
Peregrine: What? We're not naming it. It's a rock.
Chamberino: How about something simple? "Peregrine's Rock" is my suggestion.
Vamparagon: Great idea. Peregrine's Rock it is.
Peregrine: But it's not my rock.
Vamparagon: It's just a name, Pere.
Peregrine: That's a worse name than "Security Officer #2".
Vamparagon: At least it's better than "Security Officer #1".
Peregrine: I guess.
Peregrine's Rock:

Everyone but Peregrine laughs.

Peregrine: What?
Xusha: The rock made a funny.
Peregrine: No it didn't. It didn't do anything. Because it's a rock.
Peregrine's Rock:
Vamparagon: Good point, Peregrine's Rock. I SHOULD replace Peregrine on the board of directors with you. Maybe some other time. Right now-

Vamparagon pauses for dramatic effect.

Vamparagon: -it's time to shop at the gift shop!

The group enters the gift shop. They have a total of twelve stuffed frogzards in stock. Vamparagon buys them all.

THE BEST PETTING ZOO EVER
"It's like I was really staring down an emo in the wild," says Vamparagon.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has recently mysteriously raised the funds necessary to complete its latest project that is completely unrelated to the vaguely established purpose of the company: a petting zoo.

In the petting zoo, tourists are led through a dense forest filled with a total of six pens. Four of which have magnificent frogzards, one of which is empty, and one of which has some guy named Shadow in it.

"Don't listen to Vamparagon," says Erik, a director from TR and the man in charge of keeping track of the time for the rest of TR. "It's the stupidest thing TR's done since Vamparagon's underwater Ferris wheel idea. I never got to ride the Ferris wheel, or pet the zards."

"Ignore Erik," says Vamparagon, the emperor of TR. "He just can't appreciate a fine petting zoo."

"At least that rock stopped following me around," says Peregrine, TR's department chief of miscellaneous accessories. "Yes, that's right. A rock was following me around. No, I'm not crazy. This is just what I get for hanging out with Vamparagon."

"I think I like the frogzards the best," says a little girl. "The emo scares me."

"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."

The end.

by Peregrine Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:31 pm

SECRET ENDING.

Vamparagon walks into the conference room the next day. The only other person who is in the conference is Peregrine, who was still asleep from the last meeting. Vamparagon shakes Peregrine awake.

Peregrine: Five more minutes.
Vamparagon: Stop sleeping on the job.
Peregrine: It's not like we even do anything around here.
Vamparagon: By the way, did you want to ask me something earlier?
Peregrine: Oh, yeah. What did you do with those stuffed zards?
Vamparagon: I gave them to a good cause.
Peregrine: Charity?
Vamparagon: Even better. I gave them to Ryzaa so he could start training an elite security team squadron of zard riders.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa: ROUND 'EM UP.

Ryzaa is riding around outside of TR Castle on a stuffed frogzard, waving a lasso around his head. Mrsebi is running around trying to dodge the lasso. Eventually, Ryzaa captures Mrsebi with the lasso.

Ryzaa: GOTCHA. WILD SEBI WAS CAUGHT.
Mrsebi: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.

Ryzaa cracks a smile and rides off into the sunset on his stuffed zard, towing Mrsebi behind him.

The end.

by Peregrine Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:09 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 72fy3s

Flaw of Insanity: EVERYONE GET DOWN.

Everyone jumps through the air in a very dramatic manner as the counter explodes. A small circular area of the counter splinters, and the splinters fly everywhere in an explosiony like manner. From the circle in the counter, up rises a bomb. The bomb lights up and starts scanning the room.

Flaw of Insanity: Oh my God, it's a CIAL SEEKING BOMB.
Cial: Haha, well, good thing there's no one here by THAT name, eh bomb?

The bomb starts to rotate itself to view Cial.

Xusha: It knows, Cial.
Cial: *censored*

Cial starts running around the bar being chased by the bomb. The TR members whose lives aren't being threatened start shouting advice to him.

Flaw of Insanity: Dive under the table!
Peregrine: Do a barrel roll!
Robaldo: Drink a TR ale!
Mrsebi: CIAL, DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'.
Katherine: Bleed!
Xusha: Buy one of my paintings! They're cheaper before you die!

Everyone looks at Xusha quizzically.

Xusha: That is how it works right? Cial dies and my paintings become more expensive?
Peregrine: No. You die and your paintings become more expensive.
Xusha: I already died when the moon crashed into the castle.
Peregrine: You have to stay dead.
Xusha: ...How am I supposed to make any money as a painter?
Peregrine: That's the thing Xusha. You aren't.
Cial: SHUT UP AND SAVE ME.

Cial races towards the bar exit. ObliviousEffect is still standing there blocking his way.

ObliviousEffect: Wait, what are you-
Cial: I'LL NEVER LET A GENTLEMAN OF LORE WRITE ME OUT OF THE SCRIPT. NEVER.

Cial dives between ObliviousEffect's legs. Because of a late reaction time on his part, ObliviousEffect doesn't get his legs closed until after Cial's deft manoeuvre. By the time he does, it's too late. The Cial seeking bomb collides with his legs, explodes, and sends him flying through the air with a stunned look on his face. Midair, his top hat falls off.

Flaw of Insanity: Target lined up. Taking the shot.

Flaw of Insanity lets loose three shots from his security issue pistol, which hit ObliviousEffect in midair. He falls to the ground, convulses once, and then is very still.

Flaw of Insanity: That's how we did things back in THE WAR.
Xusha: You fought in a war?
Flaw of Insanity: It was a long time ago...

*flashback*

Sergeant Ryzaa, Private Weena, Private #1, Private #2 and myself, Lieutenant Insanity were just getting back from an extremely important reconnaissance mission. We had been called to General Vamparagon's office. Apparently, the man at the top wanted to debrief us himself. When we arrived in General Vamparagon's office, he was in a heated debate with an insubordinate Major by the name of Mrsebi. When I came in, he looked at me and said this:

General Vamparagon: Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir.

I grabbed Major Mrsebi by the cuff of his uniform and dragged him to the brig, where I locked him up good.

*/flashback*

Flaw of Insanity: I remember it like it was yesterday. How could I not? After all, we lost a lot of good men out there.
Peregrine: Hmmm... Actually, I think that did happen yesterday.
Flaw of Insanity: A LOT of good men.

A ballista bolt shatters the wall and drives itself into the floor. There is now a gaping hole in the wall where the ballista bolt came through.

Peregrine: Initiate escape plan Delta Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zed? You mean Zee.
Peregrine: No, I mean Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Flaw of Insanity: Zee.
Peregrine: Zed.
Cial: LOOK UP IN THE SKY.

All eyes turn to a speck in the sky that Cial is pointing at.

Katherine: It's blood!
Xusha: Looks more like a plane to me.
Mrsebi: OH MY GOD IT'S BRAMMAN.
Bram: IT'S TRUE. I AM BRAMMAN. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER. YOU MAY CALL ME BRAM FOR SHORT.
Robaldo: Oh. Good.
Bram: I'M HERE BECAUSE I HEARD A DISTRESS CALL FROM A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.
Peregrine: That was just Cial.
Cial: There was a Cial seeking bomb situation we just diffused.
Bram: Oh.

*pause*

Bram: I'm going to rescue these damsels anyway, k?
Mrsebi: BRAMMAN SAVES THE DAY.

Bramman picks up Katherine and Xusha and flies off somewhere. Mrsebi starts clapping.

Mrsebi: HOORAY FOR BRAMMAN!
Cial: Is he going to come back for us?
Peregrine: I don't think he is.
Mrsebi: =)

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon drives aimlessly through the country side. He is struggling with a great pain in his heart.

Vamparagon: Actually, I'm over it already.

There is a gaping hole where his emotion used to be, and the gashes from Cocoa's words have left him-

Vamparagon: No seriously, I'm good.

-just for cutting me off twice in a row, you're going to run out of gas.

Vamparagon: Don't be a jerk.

Vamparagon's car sputters once, before his engine dies completely.

Vamparagon: Narrator, you are so fired.

Ahem. Vamparagon finds a nearby farm and knocks on the door. A heavily stereotyped person from the Southern United States answers.

Vamparagon: Greetings.
Phoebus: Well if it aren’t a fancee pantsed city boy. What can I be doing for you today son?
Vamparagon: I'm the emperor of TR, and I need a ride back to town.
Phoebus: If that be true, then yousa gonna have to help me with the harvest.
Vamparagon: Can I drive the tractor?
Phoebus: What we need to be doing is collecting dem toma-toe katchup packety thingys people done gone and thrown out to feed on during the long hard winter.
Vamparagon: Why don't I just buy you some ketchup packets?
Phoebus: You have that kinda money?
Vamparagon: Yes.
Phoebus: Well waddya know, you was telling the truth about being an emprah. Alright then, I'll give you a drive to town in the old truck. I warn you though, she's a speed demon!
Vamparagon: The faster, the better.
Phoebus: Yep, I done gone and bought dem tires I seen on the tele-vision and now she and I can finally drive fidy-five.
Vamparagon: ...Fifty-five?
Phoebus: That's right.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity, Peregrine, Robaldo, Cial and Mrsebi are hiding behind the bar counter. The hole in the wall is filled by a helicopter that is firing bullets at them.

Flaw of Insanity: Someone's got to go out there and take out that copter.

Everyone looks at Cial.

Cial: What?
Peregrine: We've got a volunteer!
Flaw of Insanity: Here Cial, take my sidearm. We'll cover you.
Cial: But I didn't volunteer!

Flaw of Insanity and Robaldo pick Cial up and throw him over the counter.

Flaw of Insanity: What a brave soldier.

Cial scrambles away. The helicopter tries to shoot him, but misses.

Robaldo: What a coward. Let me show you how it's done.

Robaldo picks a bottle of TR ale up off the floor that had been knocked off by bullets and throws it at the helicopter. The ale splatters all over the windshield, causing the pilot to be started and move the controls over to the right. The helicopter impacts with TR Castle and goes cascading down, but instead of hitting the ground, explodes in a Hollywood manner.

Flaw of Insanity: I haven't seen a throw like that since the war.
Mrsebi: WHY DON'T YOU EVER PASS TO ME?

All four heads in the room turn to regard a disturbance whose sounds are being carried in the wind from one of the floors above them.

???: Hey, I'm trying to do serious work here.
Peregrine: Someone actually doing work? In MY TR?

There is a scream, and then Sparda falls through the air.

Robaldo: He always did want to be included in canon.
Flaw of Insanity: You know what this means, men?
Mrsebi: IT MEANS THAT JEANS R US IS HAVING A TWO FOR ONE SALE ON JEANS.
Flaw of Insanity: No, it means that TGL has invaded TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa's fishing expedition sees smoke in the distance as they make their way to TR Castle. Ryzaa takes a team consisting of himself, Weena, Ragegamer and Security Officer #1 to the front door to meet with their antagonists. Security Officer #2 covers the meeting from a vantage point with a sniper rifle.

Mathia: HELLO.
Ragegamer: What's going on here?
Mathia: I'M GETTING REVENGE ON VAMP.
Weena: Why would you want to do that?
Mathia: VAMP MADE FUN OF MY PC.
Security Officer #1: Come to think of it, Vamp once made fun of my PC.
Weena: I almost had to pay for Vamp's bar tab.
Ragegamer: Vamp once threw me off a gas balloon, and didn't try to help me at all.
Ryzaa: Vamp took money for a date between Cocoa and himself out of my pay check.
Mathia: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Ragegamer: ...Can we actually help you get revenge on Vamp?
Weena: Yeah, we want to help.
Security Officer #1: Screw TR.
Ryzaa: I'm determined to build a better future so that my children might enjoy fishing.
Mathia: OH.... UHHH... Yeah I guess you guys can help.
Ragegamer: Alright, let's get started.

*meanwhile*

Phoebus: YEEE-HAH! ALMOST THERE!

Phoebus's little green truck rumbles along off-road right next to the highway. Vamparagon is bouncing around in his seat due to a lack of seatbelts. According to Phoebus, he had taken the seat belts out to build a towel. TR Castle loomed in the distance. The sky was beginning to grow dark from the smoke emanating from the burning castle.

Phoebus: So mister Paragon, still holding your lunch city boy? YEEE-HAH!
Vamparagon: I hate you.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity, Peregrine, Robaldo and Mrsebi make their way through TR Castle's hallways, evading TGL patrols. They stop after running into three of their coworkers.

Weena: 'sup?
Flaw of Insanity: Hey Weena. Fishing trip is over then I take it?
Weena: Yeah. Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2 and myself here were just, you know, NOT looking to capture you four for Mathia. Who is NOT the new leader of TR who we willingly accepted.
Flaw of Insanity: Oh.

...

Flaw of Insanity: So, how was the fishing?
Weena: WHARRGARBL.

Weena lets loose his war cry and jumps onto Flaw of Insanity's back.

Weena: GREET THE NEW DAWN, BROTHER.
Flaw of Insanity: WEENA. HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME?

Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 shoot tranquilizer darts, which hit both Robaldo and Mrsebi. Peregrine ducks into an office. Security Officer #2 goes after him. Security Officer #2 sees movement and almost shoots, but stops when he realizes that it wasn't Peregrine he was seeing.

Security Officer #2: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Oh shoot, I wasn't prepared for this. Give me a second.

Icewolfking takes out a spray can labelled "Insta-Cool" and sprays a circle on the floor. The liquid from the spray can hardens immediately, forming a small circular patch of ice. Icewolfking props up his umbrella, and then walks over to a nearby vending machine. After inserting a coin, a can of lemonade is dispensed. Icewolfking takes the lemonade, walks back to the circular patch of ice, lies down, kicks back, cracks and a smile and finally explains himself to Security Officer #2.

Icewolfking: Chillin'.

In that moment, Peregrine hits Security Officer #2 over the head with a printer.

Peregrine: FEEL THE WRATH OF MY HP TECHNOLOGY.
Icewolfking: Whoa, careful dude. Sebi uses that to make himself breakfast.

Peregrine sneaks out of the room and looks around. Weena is lying unconscious on the floor. There is a note on top of his body that Peregrine reads.

"Pere,

BRB, fighting the forces of evil.

-Flaw"

Peregrine looks around. The corridors of TR Castle, despite being brightly lit, seem eerie as he stands there all alone.

Peregrine: I need a Scooby snack.

*meanwhile*

Dusk is falling fast. Vamparagon and Phoebus are hiding behind a boulder near TR Castle. From there, they can make out TR security officers and Gentlemen of Lore members working together to take TR Castle.

Vamparagon: I'm so firing them.
Phoebus: So what's da plan to be gettin in?
Vamparagon: It's quite easy really.

Vamparagon takes out his iPhone and turns it on.

Phoebus: Whoa, is dat onna dem magical talk boxes?
Vamparagon: Yes Phoebus, it is a magical talk box.
Phoebus: Oh man. Dem things be craaaazy.
Vamparagon: Fortunately, I downloaded the "Teleport into TR Castle" application this morning from the iTunes store.

There is a moment of silence.

Phoebus: So whaddid you need me fer again?
Vamparagon: In hindsight, nothing.

Vamparagon uses his iPhone app to teleport into TR castle. When he appears, he is right next to Peregrine.

Peregrine: Vamp, where have you been?
Vamparagon: It's a long story. What's the situation?
Peregrine: Well, Mathia sort of took over TR.
Vamparagon: Is there ANYONE who has decided to go all Rambo and take some names?
Peregrine: Not that I know of.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity: It's over, Mathia.

Flaw of Insanity has cornered Mathia atop the roof of TR Castle. He is pointing two security issue pistols at Mathia. Mathia is standing on the edge of the castle. It is very windy.

Mathia: YOU MAY HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED ALL MY FORCES, BUT CAN YOU DEFEAT YOUR OWN?
Flaw of Insanity: Forces? I don't need forces. I'm a one man army.

Flaw of Insanity's eyes widen as he realizes what Mathia meant. He spins around as fast as he can and pulls the trigger of his gun. Two gun shots are fired. Flaw of Insanity falls down with a bullet wound in his chest. Flaw of Insanity's shot hits the leg of the man who had crept up behind him: Ryzaa.

Mathia: VICTORY IS MI-WWAAAAAHHH!

A ghost of wind knocks Mathia off the roof. He falls down to a window ledge, and rolls through the window, falling into TR Castle.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: That's a shame, I was hoping there would be some sort of epic showdown going down right now.

Suddenly, Mathia bursts into the room Peregrine and Vamparagon are in through the nearby window.

Mathia: Stupid TR Cas- VAMPARAGON?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.
Vamparagon: I bought an iPhone application that can teleport me into TR Castle.

Peregrine groans.

Peregrine: Why do we even have security forces when it's so easy to get in?
Mathia: iPhone? Really? You always seemed like more of a blackberry guy.
Vamparagon: Yeah, I have an iPhone.

Mathia laughs.

Mathia: But I bet you don't have-

Mathia pulls out his own iPhone.

Mathia: AN IPHONE 3GS!
Vamparagon: You're right, but only because-

Vamparagon pulls out his iPhone.

Vamparagon: I HAVE AN IPHONE 4G.

Mathia lets out a scream that pierces the heavens.

Mathia: CURSE YOU VAMPARAGON. I WILL RETURN SOME DAY.

Mathia leaps out the window and plummets to the ground.

Vamparagon: See Pere? This is why it's important to have a great appreciation for Apple software. So you can defeat Mathia.

On the floor beside them, Weena groans.

Peregrine: Oh boy. Vamp, Weena's on their side. We need to trick him.
Vamparagon: We need to disguise ourselves as other members of TR. I'll be Pere.
Peregrine: Good idea. I'll be Vamp.

Weena wakes up and looks around.

Weena: Pere? Vamp? You're both under arres-
Vamparagon: That's where you're wrong. We are not Pere and Vamp.
Peregrine: That is correct. We are in fact Vamp and Pere.
Vamparagon: Yes.
Weena: ...
Vamparagon: See? I'm Peregrine. LOL WHAT'S A FOCAL POINT?
Peregrine: Yeah, well I HAVE NO SOFTWARE COMPATABILITY ON MY MAC.
Vamparagon: I'M RUSSIAN. XUSHA AND I GET ALONG GREAT.
Peregrine: I'M STILL NOT POTTY TRAINED.
Vamparagon: I EAT CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY.
Peregrine: MY COMPANY IS CALLED TR, BUT IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING. THOSE ARE JUST THE ONLY TWO LETTERS I KNOW.
Vamparagon: SUNGLASSES ARE COOL. WEARING THEM AT NIGHT MAKES ME LOOK EDGY.
Peregrine: I'M LESS FABULOUS THAN PEREGRINE.
Vamparagon: I'M LESS FABULOUS THAN VAMPARAGON.
Peregrine: HERPA DERPA.
Vamparagon: DURRR HURRR.

*later*

Vamparagon and Peregrine are thrown into a cell with Cial, wwwtoy and Walt. The iron bars close shut behind them.

Vamparagon: I can't believe that didn't work.
Peregrine: Yeah, our acting was great.
Cial: Hey guys.
Vamparagon: Wha- Cial?! Oh no. Oh no no no no no. This can't be happening. I... I'm...

Vamparagon screams at the top of his lungs.

Vamparagon: I'M BEING WRITTEN OUT OF THE SCRIPT?!

*meanwhile, where the main characters are*

Cocoa is greeting TR's board of directors. With Ryzaa being treated and Vamparagon dethroned, Ragegamer has assumed command of TR. Erik is translating what Cocoa says so Ragegamer understands.

Cocoa: Wrwrwr.
Erik: "Yo yo yo."
Cocoa: Grawr rarwr rawrrr.
Erik: "I be rolling in."
Cocoa: Graaawrr war rarrrwr.
Erik: "With mah grillz."
Cocoa: Grawr rawr rraaawr.
Erik: "And I be pimpin."
Cocoa; Wr.
Erik: "Yo."
Ragegamer: Since you were the mastermind behind Mathia's successful takeover of TR, I guess I can adhere to your demands.

The group comprised of Cocoa, Erik, Ragegamer, Chamberino, Sticky, Crystal Lion and Charon head into TR castle and enter the conference room. Cocoa moves to the far end of the table that is opposite the door. As she sits upon Vamparagon's golden throne, the members of the board of directors bow.

Behold, Cocoa, the new emperor of TR, and the breaker of hearts.

*meanwhile, where the minor characters are*

Vamparagon: This sucks.
Peregrine: Why are Toy and Walt here?
wwwtoy: I teleported here with my iPhone app, but I ended up in the dungeons with Cial.
Vamparagon: Oh, I have that same app. What model of iPhone do you have?
wwwtoy: Hmmm... Good question. Walt, what model are you?
Walt: 4G.
wwwtoy: He's a 4G.
Vamparagon: Awww yeah, my iPhone is a 4G as well.

Peregrine notes the skeleton in the prison cell of someone Vamparagon forgot about.

Peregrine: That reminds me. Vamp, I've been meaning to ask you. Who was that?
Vamparagon: Hmm.. Good question. Maybe Bert?
Cial: I always thought it was Deathclaws.
wwwtoy: Could be Dai.
Walt: Nammie?
???: You're all wrong.

Everyone gasps as a green figure appears. The figure resembles the member of the TR board of directors known as-

Vamparagon, Cial, wwwtoy, Walt and Peregrine: Kaotic!
Kaotic: Vamp, we were partners. How could you leave me to die?
Cial: OH MY GOD IT'S KAOTIC'S GHOST.
Vamparagon: Kaotic, you'd be surprised at how simple it was.
Kaotic: I'm not a ghost, Cial. I uploaded myself onto the main TR computer mainframe.
Peregrine: So if we were to bring your body back, you could download yourself onto that?
Kaotic: I guess.
Vamparagon: Kao, if you're in the mainframe, can you control any systems?
Kaotic: Yeah, all of them.
Vamparagon: Alright Kao, tell you what. Kill the power, and I promise to tell Peregrine to bring you back to life.

Kaotic's eyes close as he concentrates on shutting down TR Castle's power.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa weakly opens his eyes. He finds himself in TR Castle's infirmary. The windows all show a starless night, but the florescent lights overhead allow him to see. Doctor Draktand is looking over an unmoving figure in the bed across from him.

Ryzaa: How's he doing?

Draktand shrugs.

Draktand: Your bullet didn't graze anything important. He lost a lot of blood before we got him here, though. If only this castle weren't so big.
Ryzaa: Will he make it?
Draktand: It's going to be pretty touch and go from here.

Ryzaa sighs, nods and begins staring up at the ceiling.

He continues staring even after the lights go out.

To be continued...

by Peregrine Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:49 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 29oq0k6

It is pitch black in the dungeons of TR Castle when Peregrine, Vamparagon, Cial, wwwtoy and Walt make their escape. The only light comes from Kaotic's glowing green figure. He slides along the floor, an eerie reminder that they were in the presence of a dead man.

Cial: Come on guys, I know a way out that won’t be guarded.

The group proceeds to the elevator, and goes up onto the roof. Once on the roof, they notice a stage has been set up. Stage lights shine on it, illuminating it in the dark of night.

Vamparagon: How long has this been there?
Cial: I guess someone put it there while I was being written out of the script.
Peregrine: How do we use this to our advantage?
Cial: We need to make a play.
wwwtoy: Then call me DIRECTOR TOY.

*scene I*

Director Toy: Alright, scene I folks. Peregrine and Cial are in hot pursuit of Princess Vamparagon who has been captured by Tic, the head of the terrorist organization known as Khaos. You must battle his henchman and rescue the princess!
Cial: Henchman? Do you mean Walt?
Director Toy: He's a stunt double. Now make it look real.

Cial and Peregrine look at Walt.

Director Toy: Make it look real people!

Walt has the snot beaten out of him.

Peregrine: I thought we were supposed to beat him up.
Director Toy: STOP INTERRUPTING MY CAMEO.
Walt: Please help me.

*scene II*

Director Toy: Alright, scene II people. Cial and Peregrine have defeated the evil Walt and are now back on Tic's trail, but are interrupted by rush hour traffic traffic. Action!

Peregrine and Cial chase Kaotic and Vamparagon around the stage in bumper cars. Director Toy throws Walt in front of Kaotic's bumper car, and Kaotic ends up running over him.

Walt: Ow.

*scene III*

Director Toy: Beautiful, beautiful. Next, Kaotic is out of gas and Cial and Peregrine must defeat him!
Cial: How do we beat up a hologram?
Director Toy: You don't. Stunt double!

Kaotic walks off the stage. Walt is pushed onto it.

Director Toy: Action!

Cial and Peregrine push Walt onto the ground.

Walt: Sometimes I don't think you guys like me very much.

Walt is dragged off the stage by Director Toy. Kaotic walks back on.

Kaotic: You may have defeated me, but you can defeat Vampasaurus?

*scene IV*

Director Toy: Alright, this is it. Cial piloting this giant mecha will now engage Vampasaurus! Annnnd... Action!
Cial: What giant mecha?

Suddenly, Walt is fired out of a cannon.

Walt: I'm flying.

Everyone watches and Walt flies over the edge of TR Castle and keeps going.

*scene V*

Director Toy: Alright, Cial and Peregrine have now rescued Princess Vamparagon. Action!
Peregrine: Vamp, why are you wearing a dress?
Princess Vamparagon: Because I'm a princess.
Peregrine: You do realize this is just a play?
Princess Vamparagon: IT'S CALLED GETTING IN CHARACTER.
Cial: So are we done yet?
Princess Vamparagon: I still need to give my rescuers a kiss.
Cial: Not it.
Peregrine: Not it.
Kaotic: Not it.
Princess Vamparagon: COME HERE TOY.
Director Toy: CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUUT!

*meanwhile*

Walt hits the ground near TR Castle. A group of people go and shine lights on him to see who he is.

Weena: Just what is going on up there on the roof?
Cocoa: Grawrrwr rarawr rawr.
Erik: "As acting head of security, I want you to take a team and find out."
Weena: Yes ma'am. Security Officers numbered 1 through 7, with me.
Security Officer #1: Wait what, 1 through 7?
Weena: We got some new recruits.
Security Officer #3: Hey guys.
Security Officer #7: I'm new here.
Security Officer #6: What do we usually do for lunch?
Security Officer #2: Okay, no. We were here first you guys.
Security Officer #4: That's just too bad.
Security Officer #5: Yeah, we're moving in.
Weena: You know what? I'm just going to go by myself.

*meanwhile*

The people on the roof are startled as the roof begins to come apart. The two halves of the stage slide apart. From below, up slides the barrel of a very large gun. Listening closely, the group can hear the raving of TR's local engineer.

Dake: It is complete! The weapon Cocoa ordered has been finished! Now I'll set it to go off at midnight tonight, and everyone will be turned into zards! Muahahahahaha!
Ragegamer: Excellent work Dake, I will inform the empress of your success.

The people on the roof look at each other in fear.

Peregrine: We've got to stop that thing from going off.
Kaotic: I've contacted the nearest TR member. They should be there shortly.

From below, the sound of toilet paper rolls and eggs hitting the weapon can be heard.

Ragegamer: Knock it off, Hunter.
Hunter Reckoning: Fine.
Peregrine: Way to go, Kao.

Suddenly, the elevator arrives at the roof and dings. Weena steps out.

Weena: Everyone, step away from the stage and put your hands on your heads in the name of our glorious empress Coc-

Weena stops as he has a bucket of water dumped on his head. He is then beaten senseless by a broom stick from behind.

Shadow: YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO CLEAN IN THE DARK? HOW ABOUT TURNING ON THE LIGHTS BEFORE TELLING ME VAMP USED A BATHROOM?
Vamparagon: I wish I could remember doing that.
Peregrine: Shadow, Cocoa is trying to turn is into zards.
Shadow: Of course she is. Did I tell Ry she was nothing but trouble? Yes. Did he listen? No. People never listen to the janitor.
Peregrine: Kao, how much time do we have before that weapons goes off.
Kaotic: There are currently fifty minutes to midnight.
wwwtoy: Then we have work to do.
Cial: Let's save the world.
Vamparagon: I already did that.

Everyone laughs.

Vamparagon: No, seriously.
Kaotic: Shouldn't we save jokes until after we save the world?
Peregrine: Priorities, Kao.

*meanwhile*

Erik rushes Cocoa into the infirmary where Draktand, Ryzaa and the unconscious Flaw of Insanity are.

Erik: HER WATER BROKE.
Draktand: Get her on that bed and comfort her. Ry, I'm going to need some assistance.
Ryzaa: What do I do?
Draktand: Catch.
Ryzaa: WHAT.

*meanwhile*

Mrsebi and Robaldo wake up in a prison cell.

Robaldo: Dang... How long were we out for?
Mrsebi: I'M GOING TO SNEEZE.
Robaldo: I can't believe they locked me up here with you.

Mrsebi sneezes. Something purple, solid and circular comes out of his nose. He tries to sniff it back in.

Robaldo: Hold on a second Sebi...

Robaldo grabs onto the purple, solid and circular thing and yanks. A crayon comes out of Sebi's nose.

Mrsebi: Oh, thank you.
Robaldo: No way! You just made sense!
Mrsebi: I should certainly hope that I make sense. You don't become the leader of as prestigious of an organization as Mensa by talking gibberish.
Robaldo: Wha... How high is your IQ?
Mrsebi: Two thousand one hundred and fifty eight.
Robaldo: Wha... Wha...
Mrsebi: Now then, if you'll excuse me I'm going to address the conundrum at hand. As it is plainly obvious to seem, our place of work has been taken over by hostile forces, and as two of the few remaining people who can do anything, it's up to us to ensure the success of any pockets of resistance.
Robaldo: Well, I uh...

Mrsebi breaks the clay mug at the table in the cell. He then picks up a brick and begins to craft a computer out of the brick using pieces of the mug as chisels. Eventually, he finishes and sets the new computer brick down to admire his handiwork. He then uses a piece of bread from his meal to power the machine.

Mrsebi: Give me your shoelace.
Robaldo: What do you need it for?
Mrsebi: You expect me to build a computer out of brick without a shoelace? Why don't I just go right ahead and build an iPod out of paper without a blender for crying out loud.
Robaldo: Fine, fine.

Robaldo gives Mrsebi his shoelace. Mrsebi puts the finishing touches on his machine before stepping back to admire his handiwork.

Mrsebi: Now then, after carefully analyzing potential escape routes for anyone in the other prison cells, I have concluded that they would make it to the roof-
Robaldo: Wait, how would they escape?
Mrsebi: Please my friend, it's very simple. Kaotic will have revealed that he uploaded himself to the TR computer mainframe before he passed away in one of these cells. He has control over all the systems, and was likely bribed by Vamparagon to release them.
Robaldo: Wait, how do you know Vamparagon would have been in there?
Mrsebi: Rob, why don't you just let me work.
Robaldo: Fine.
Mrsebi: Now then, where was I. I have concluded that they will make it to the roof, then head down to the roof where Dake is building a weapon that will turn us all into frogzards-
Robaldo: What?
Mrsebi: Rob.
Robaldo: Sorry.
Mrsebi: -but will then meet up with Dake. Dake will proceed to get a tank, while Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial and wwwtoy will create a distraction, which means I have to turn on all the lights in the areas in which my mind has calculated they will be in order for them to succeed.
Robaldo: Sebi.
Mrsebi: What is it now?
Robaldo: How much is 78 + 41?
Mrsebi: 119.

*meanwhile*

Shadow: Sure is dark in here.

There is an "oomph" from the darkness as Shadow bumps into someone.

Dake: Watch it, man.
Peregrine: Dake, what are you doing?
Dake: My job.
Peregrine: You realize that machine you built is going to turn us all into frogzards, right?
Dake: OH MY GOD. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
Cial: Can we blow it up?
Dake: Yes, but we'll need something with a lot of firepower. Like a tank.
Cial: Right. Dake, go get a tank. We'll create a distraction by going to the stables and getting some stuffed frogzards to cause trouble with.
Dake: Sure, but the lights are off.

Suddenly, all of the lights in the hallways leading to the tanks and the stables turn on.

Dake: Huh.
Peregrine: No time to lose. Kao, go with him in case he needs your help hacking into something.
Kaotic: Right.
Cial: Let's go people.

Dake and Kaotic head off to go steal a tank with which they will destroy Dake's new invention. Vamparagon, Peregrine, Cial, Shadow and wwwtoy head off to find some stuffed frogzards to ride into battle on.

Vamparagon: I don't know what is going on but I do like frogzards.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa's eyes are closed as the baby zard flies into his hands.

Ryzaa: Oh God oh God oh God.

Doctor Draktand takes the zard from him and cleans it up a bit.

Draktand: Congratulations, it's a zard.
Erik: Oh my goodness.

Ryzaa cracks an eye open to view the zard. It is entirely red, and has human hair. Red human hair. Wavy red human hair.

Ryzaa: That looks like Vamp's hair.
Erik: WHAT.
Draktand: Yeah, it does.

Erik begins to cry.

Erik: I should have known... I just didn't want to believe it...

Erik begins to wail and runs out of the room.

Cocoa: Grawrr grearw grawrrrr.
Baby Zard: Rawr!
Draktand: Awww, he's so adorable.

Ryzaa quietly slips away while Cocoa and Draktand are distracted.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow and Cial enter the frogzard stables while wwwtoy runs up to the top of the castle tower they are currently in.

Xusha: Am I ever glad to see you guys.
Vamparagon: Oh hey Xusha. How are you today?
Cial: How long have you been hiding in here?
Xusha: It's not just me.

Xusha gestures with her hand. Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Alderos, Wixmagic, Thoru, and Shadz come out of the darkness.

Shadow: Holy crap, it's me.
Shadz: No, it's not.
Shadow: I disagreed with myself? It must be me.
Wixmagic: Are we gonna save the day, guys?
Vamparagon: Alright people, here's the plan. There are a total of eleven stuffed frogzards in this stable. We're going to ride out into battle with them while Toy blows the horn of TR, whilst making Lord of the Rings references.
Thoru: I can do that.

Vamparagon: Where is the horse and rider?

People begin to don chainmail armour that is lying around.

Vamparagon: Where is the horn that was blowing?

Shields, swords, spears and bows are distributed among those gathered.

Vamparagon: They have passed like rain on the mountain.

Icewolfking ties an umbrella to his zard's saddle so it will cover him.

Vamparagon: Like wind in the meadow.

People begin to mount their zards. Icewolfking cracks open a fresh can of lemonade.

Vamparagon: The days have gone down in the West.

Everyone is now prepared to go. They begin to position their zards to face the stable wall.

Vamparagon: Behind the hills, into Shadow.
Shadow: What about me?
Shadz: No Shadow, he me-
Shadow: Oh, right. Sorry. What about us?
Vamparagon: How has it come to this?

The horn of TR blows. The riders charge. Ice chills.

*on the other side of the wall*

Security Officer #7: Look, you guys aren't the boss of us.
Security Officer #2: Yeah? Well at least we aren't cannibals.
Security Officer #5: He's got a point there, Security Officer #7.
Security Officer #7: Just what is that supposed to mean?
Security Officer #1: It means you ate Security Officer #9.
Security Officer #3: Listen buddy, Security Officer #7 just did what he had to do to survive.
Security Officer #6: It's not like anyone actually liked Security Officer #9 anyway.
Security Officer #4: I kind of liked Security Officer #9.
Security Officer #7: Shut up Security Officer #4.

Suddenly, the wall explodes. The flying bricks knock out the generic security officers. The eleven zard riders charge into battle. Walt, who was still lying on the ground, is trampled.

Walt: I need to consider a new line of work.

The group engages what's left of the coalition between the Gentlemen of Lore and the TR security forces. One Gentlemen of Lore member tries to take Ice down.

Gentlemen of Lore Member: I say chap, looks like I'm going to kill you, wot.

Ice calmly takes a swig of lemonade, and then spits it out onto the Gentlemen of Lore member.

Gentlemen of Lore Member: MY DRY CLEANING, WOT.

The Gentlemen of Lore member convulses and collapses.

Xusha: A RIVER OF BLOOD. THE COLOUR OF RUSSIA.
Vamparagon: Stop being so Russian.
Xusha: No.
Vamparagon: Okay then.

The doors to TR Castle suddenly burst open. Weena stands in the doorframe with a security issue assault rifle tucked under his arm.

Weena: I'LL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MY HAIR, SHADOW.

Weena shoots a nearby gentleman of lore.

Weena: ARGH, I MISSED.

Weena shoots again. This time he hits a rebel TR security officer.

Weena: I MISSED AGAIN.
Wixmagic: Look everyone, Weena's on our side!
Vamparagon: Yay!
Weena: I HATE YOU PEOPLE.

*cue Duke Nukem sound track music*

Suddenly, a gas balloon descends from the sky. A man leaps out of it in midair and lands on his feat. He is wearing full Kevlar body armour and has a prototype weapon Dake was working on over his shoulder. A chain gun that shoots flaming bullets that explode.

Flaw of Insanity: HOPE I'M NOT CRASHING THE PARTY.

Flaw of Insanity pulls out a detonator and pushes down on it. The gas balloon explodes, raining fire down upon the Gentlemen of Lore and rebel TR security forces.

Flaw of Insanity: Good to see we're on the same side, Weena.

Weena gets angry, presses the barrel of his assault rifle to Flaw of Insanity's chest, and pulls the trigger. The bullet bounces off his chest and hits a Gentlemen of Lore member.

Flaw of Insanity: Whoa, nice shot.
Weena: ARGH.

Weena drops his assault rifle and storms off in a huff.

Flaw of Insanity: Some people just can't take a compliment.

Someone moves up besides Flaw of Insanity and picks up Weena's discarded assault rifle. Flaw of Insanity looks over to see who it is.

Alligator Gondolier: Alright, WHO WANTS SOME?
Flaw of Insanity: AWWW YEAH.

*meanwhile*

Dake: The tank barracks are totally empty. It looks like the others managed to distract everyone.

Dake and Kaotic manage to find a tank.

Dake: Kao, time check.
Kaotic: There are three minutes to midnight.
Dake: So we need to find a shortcut to get to the weapon. Alright.

Dake climbs aboard the tank. He then drives through walls until arriving in the room where his weapon is.

Kaotic: One minute to midnight!

Dake pulls the trigger to fire a rocket at the weapon. Nothing happens.

Dake: Blast it, this tank is outta ammo. Whose responsibility is making sure these things are loaded?
Kaotic: I think it's yours.

Dake clambers out of the tank and begins to rush towards the weapon's control console.

Kaotic: Ten seconds to midnight!

Dake begins to click buttons.

Kaotic: Three seconds to midnight! Two! One! Z-
Female Voice: Override code accepted. Weapon activation cancelled. Weapon disarmed. Have a nice day.
Dake: Whew, that was a close one.
Kaotic: What did you do?
Dake: I turned it off.

There is a moment of silence.

Kaotic: Why didn't you just do that to begin with?
Dake: Because this way I got to drive a tank.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial, Xusha, Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Wixmagic, Thoru, Shadz, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier are surrounded by gentlemen of lore and rebel TR security forces. Alderos has been killed.

Vamparagon: It was an accident. No one's fault.

Suddenly, there is a commotion from TR's front entrance. Cocoa steps out of the castle, with Doctor Draktand coming up behind her, catching babies as she has them.

Draktand: And that makes three thousand five hundred and eighty eight. My my, look at them all! And each one as cute as the last.
Cocoa: Rarwr, grawr hraw.

Thousands of baby zards come into view. Each of them has wavy red hair.

Xusha: Oh.
Thoru My.
Sepulchure00: Gosh.
Shadow: I am NOT changing that many diapers. Having to change Vamp's diaper is bad enough. I don't need to change the diapers of three thousand five hundred and eighty eight little Vamps.
Draktand: Better make that three thousand five hundred and eighty nine.
Shadow: I don't need to change the diapers of three thousand five hundred and eighty nine little Vamps.
Wixmagic: I don't think you'll have to, Shadow.
Shadow: Why's that?
Wixmagic: Because I think we're about to die.
Flaw of Insanity: It's been a real pleasure serving with you boys.

The zard army charges. From the top of a nearby hill, a horn sounds. Everyone looks up to regard Ryzaa upon a stuffed zard.

Ryzaa: SOLDIERS OF TR, NOW IS THE TIME.

Thousands of soldiers come into view on the hill. There are also jeeps, tanks and helicopters.

Ryzaa: CHARGE.
Flaw of Insanity: TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE.
Xusha: FOR THE MOTHERLAND.
Artix: BATTLE ON!
Peregrine: When did Artix get here?
Cial: TO LINES AND LEVITY.
Vamparagon: IN THE GLORY OF EMPEROR VAMPARAGON.
Icewolfking: CCCCCHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN''''''''''.

The battle for TR Castle begins.

To be continued...

by Peregrine Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:37 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 9k6o7r

What is left of the Gentlemen of Lore and the rebel TR security forces falter before the charge of TR's army of fanatical soldiers. Vamparagon, Peregrine, Shadow, Cial, Xusha, Icewolfking, Sepulchure00, Wixmagic, Thoru, Shadz, Artix, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier quickly find themselves surrounded by their newfound allies. One of the soldiers, Darre, grabs Alderos's dead body by the shoulders and starts to shake it.

Darre: YOU DON'T DIE UNTIL I SAY TO.
Alderos: SIR! YES SIR!
Satus: YOU HEARD THE MAN. JUMP TO!
Tokijin: FORWARD MEN. IT'S TIME FOR WAR.

The soldiers engage the Gentlemen of Lore and the rebel TR security forces. The Gentlemen are all but obliterated. The security forces last slightly longer, but end up getting slaughtered as well.

Veonyx: STRIKE TRUE AND STRIKE WITH PRECISION.
SirValor: FOR EMPEROR, AND IMPERIUM.

The zard army begins to rush towards TR's military forces.

Felix: ZARDS? THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING.
Zeo: CHARGE TO MAKE THE EMPEROR PROUD.
Evangel: FIGHT, AND THE EMPEROR FIGHTS WITH YOU.
Darre: GLORY TO THE FIRST MAN TO DIE.

While TR's soldiers are making their charge, Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier edge their way around to the corner of TR Castle's structure to flank the zards from the right. Nearby, Walt is lying down.

Walt: They broke my back.
Flaw of Insanity: Bah. They'll pay for that humiliation.

The soldiers hit the zards head on. Both sides take heavy causalities in the first waves.

Ryzaa (radio): Colonel DracoWolf117, this is General Ryzaa. You had a gift for me?
DracoWolf117 (radio): Wrapped in ribbons sir. We're ready to deploy.

From above them, those on the ground could make out the outline of paratroopers descending from the sky and onto the roof of TR castle.

Arch Fiend: Oh to walk upon the blood stained ground.
Judge ZYellowFlash: TO THE LAST MAN AND THE LAST ROUND.
SecretSchenkel: For every one of us who falls, TEN MORE WILL TAKE HIS PLACE.
Lord Starscream: ONLY IN DEATH DOES DUTY END.

From behind the zard army, the paratroopers make their move. The zards are now enclosed in a triangle formed by TR soldiers, TR paratroopers and Flaw of Insanity and Alligator Gondolier.

Gustav the mage: TAKE THE OBJECTIVE. TAKE IT AT ALL COSTS.
ShadowReaper007: STOP BLEEDING AND FIGHT BACK.
Eonaleth: GLORY FOR THE EMPEROR.

The zard army is wiped out completely. Cocoa makes a break for it and is able to jump over the paratroopers and back into the castle.

Darre: We've done it sir. By the emperor, we've won.
Ryzaa: Although the golden throne of terror sits in a conference room far from here, Vamparagon's hand is on your shoulders today. You have fought and displayed bravery and loyalty far and above your calling as TR soldiers. You have faced the full brunt of a zard army, as well as stared down the horrors of the corruption in the fallen TR guardsmen, and in that, I am honoured to have led you.
Flaw of Insanity: *sniff*
Peregrine: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.
Icewolfking: All I know is that these guys have got to chill out.

Vamparagon rushes into TR Castle after Cocoa.

Ryzaa: You've got to be kidding me. Move in people.

The soldiers rush after Vamparagon.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon arrives in the room with the weapon that Cocoa was planning to use to turn them all into frogzards. Dake is still in there from having stopped it from firing.

Vamparagon: Dake, I need you to recalibrate that machine so that it sends anyone with my or Cocoa's genes into an alternate dimension.
Dake: Sure, no problem. Just let me set it to video 2.
Vamparagon: That's all you needed to do?
Dake: Yeah, I programmed it in as an alternate setting just in case.

Suddenly, Erik bursts into the room.

Erik: YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME VAMP. NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM YOU.
Vamparagon: Dake, there's no time to lose. Fire it up.

Erik draws a knife and jumps at Vamparagon, who dances out of the way. Vamparagon reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a red and white Poké Ball.

Vamparagon: LEAFEON, I CHOOSE YOU.

A distinctly fabulous leafeon materializes in the room.

Vamparagon: USE LEAF BLADE ON ERIK.

Erik is completely knocked out by the attack and is sent hurtling through a wall.

Vamparagon: Dake, status.
Dake: We have lift-off.

It is in that moment that Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and the soldiers rush into the room.

Ryzaa: Vamp, what are you about to do?
Vamparagon: I'm about to sacrifice myself for the greater good of humanity.

There is a moment of silence.

Ryzaa: No, seriously.

One of the soldiers takes off his helmet in respect.

Tokijin: Truly, he was the greatest of all the emperors.

The rest of the soldiers and Flaw of Insanity follow suit.

Flaw of Insanity: It was an honour to serve with you, sir.

SirValor begins to cry.

SirValor: Glory to the imperium of TR. I'll remember your name forever, Emperor Vamparagon.
Ryzaa: Vamp, I ask again, what are you about to do?
Vamparagon: I told Dake to set this machine to send anyone with my genes or Cocoa's genes into an alternate dimension. This way all Cocoa's babies will be sucked up too.
Ryzaa: Why couldn't you have just set it to absorb people with Cocoa's genes so you didn't get absorbed as well?
Vamparagon: Huh.

*silence*

Vamparagon: I guess I never thought of doing that.

The machine turns on. From the barrel of the gun that is sticking out of the ceiling, a large white orb forms. Baby zards with wavy red hair begin to get sucked into the orb. A snarling Cocoa follows suit. With each new victim, the orb grows bigger and its power grows stronger. From below, Vamparagon hangs onto the barrel of the tank that is on the ground for dear life.

Vamparagon: HELP.
Ryzaa: Sorry Vamp, but I didn't appreciate you taking money out of my pay check for a date with Cocoa.
Vamparagon: DAKE, SHUT IT OFF.
Dake: Can't. I used up all my overrides for today.
Vamparagon: FLAW, GRAB ONTO ME.
Flaw of Insanity: I don't want to ruin the moment.
Vamparagon: I HATE YOU GUYS.

Vamparagon flies up into the air and begins hurtling towards the orb.

Vamparagon: AT LEAST TELL PEREGRINE I HATE HIM.
Ryzaa: I can do that.

Vamparagon's leafeon sees its trainer in distress and jumps through the air towards him. Vamparagon grabs it in his arms and holds it tightly.

Vamparagon: At least I had one good friend, old buddy.

Vamparagon is absorbed by the orb of white light. The orb then dissipates into air.

An hour later, Ryzaa had gathered everyone in the cafeteria. The upturned tables had been righted to seat people in. The wall that once faced the outside world had been utterly obliterated by a ballista bolt during the initial siege. In the cafeteria, was what was left of TR. There was Peregrine, Chamberino, Xusha, Mrsebi, Sticky, Cial, Crystal Lion, Shadow, Nagi, wwwtoy, Dake, Icewolfking, Charon, Sepulchure00, Weena, Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2, Wixmagic, Thoru, Winnie, Shadz, LightningZStar, Juliana, Robaldo, Alderos, Kaotic, Draktand, Hunter Reckoning and Sparda. Around the cafeteria, a ring had been formed by two dozen of the surviving soldiers. A stage had been formed with several tables, upon which Ryzaa, Flaw of Insanity and Ragegamer stood. Erik and Katherine were both missing. Also attending were Alligator Gondolier, Sewage Cleanup Guy, Phoebus and Artix.

Winnie: Where's Vamp? Why isn't he here?
Cial: On that note, where's Katherine?
Xusha: Oh, I didn't bother to go back for Katherine when I made my escape.
Hunter Reckoning: I see.
Sewage Cleanup Guy: So, who here wants to help me gather sewage crystals?
Robaldo: Man, you stink.
Shadow: Hey man, at least he cleans things around here.
Artix: Why am I even here?
Ryzaa: People. Your attentions, please.

The cafeteria is silenced.

Ryzaa: I have a grave announcement to make. Earlier today, Vamparagon gave his life for the benefit of TR.

The silence is broken by laughter.

Ryzaa: Stop that. I'm serious.

The silence resumes.

Ryzaa: As such, we are going to need a new emperor.

The silence continues.

Ragegamer: Basically, we're going to hold a vote to se-
Ryzaa: Dibs.
Ragegamer: Wait, what? Dibs? Is that seriously how new emperors are selected?
Ryzaa: Well, that's how Vamp got the job.

*flashback*

It was back in the days when Bert was the emperor of TR. I was in a generic conference room as a security guard, along with Pooks, the head of security at the time. Bert was talking to the board of directors.

Bert: So as we can see here, profits are way do-

That's when it happened. Bert clutched his heart and fell down. Pooks ran over to him and checked his heart.

Pooks: My God... He's gone.

No one knew what to say. That's when suddenly the door to the conference room opened up and the newest member of the board of directors stepped in.

Vamparagon: HAI GUIZE SORRY I'M LATE.

Everyone shook their heads at the new guy's newbie-ness and looked on sadly at Bert's dead body.

Vamparagon: Hey, does anyone else hear that sound?

Vamparagon walked over to a section in the wall and tore a piece of it off. Behind the wall was Mash, who had a plate of food on his lap.

Vamparagon: Mash? What are you doing here?
Mash: Eating mashed potatoes.

Vamparagon walked over to a seat and plunked himself down in it.

Vamparagon: So, what's going on guys?
Zedman: Bert just had a heart attack.
Vamparagon: Is he okay?
Pyronix: He's dead, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Oh.

There was a moment of silence.

Vamparagon: Dibs.

The board of directors was outraged.

DemidragonX: You can't call dibs, man.
Rohan: Yeah, you're the new guy.
Vamparagon: You guys must not have gotten the memo, but uhhh.

Vamparagon leaned forward and whispered to the board of directors.

Vamparagon: I'm the boss.
Nammie: Oh for pete's sake, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Pooks, take Kaotic to the dungeon immediately for murdering Bert.
Kaotic: WHAT.

Pooks grabbed Kaotic roughly and dragged him down to a cell in the dungeons.

Kaotic: I DIDN'T EVEN GET ANY LIIIINES.

The door slammed shut behind them.

Vamparagon: Now then, if you'll excuse me everyone. I have a lunch break to get to.

Vamparagon left the room. Later that day, Pooks entered Vamparagon's office. I, who was standing guard at the time, overheard everything.

Pooks: Vamp, I'm resigning my post as head of security.
Vamparagon: Okay.
Pooks: My personal recommendation is that Kittens be my replacement.
Vamparagon: Alright then.
Pooks: Oh, and be sure to let Kaotic out of the dungeons.
Vamparagon: Cool. Bye.

Pooks left the office and walked away. Vamparagon met with Ryzaa in the hallway to discuss his promotion.

Vamparagon: Congratulations, you're the new head of security.
Ryzaa: Oh. Thanks.
Vamparagon: Oh, and be sure to tell Kittens they're fired.
Ryzaa: ...Why?
Vamparagon: Also, make sure Kaotic isn't let out of the dungeons. Or fed.
Ryzaa: Erm...
Vamparagon: Anyway, I'm off to lunch. Cya.
Ryzaa: Didn't you just get back from lunch?
Vamparagon: No?
Ryzaa: Oh. Sorry sir. I thought you did.
Vamparagon: Anyway, my magikarp and I have some lunch to do. Good luck!

*/flashback*

Kaotic: Oh, so THAT'S why Pooks never came back for me.
Ryzaa: Yeah, no hard feelings right?
Flaw of Insanity: Dibs on head of security.
Ragegamer: Wait, what? I thought you could only call dibs on emperor?
Security Officer #2: Dibs on Flaw's old second in command position.
Weena: Dibs on Flaw's old second in command position.
Security Officer #2: Hah!
Weena: FFFFFFFFFF.
Cial: Dibs on Vamp's iPhone.
Ragegamer: Oh yeah? Well dibs on second in command of TR.
Phoebus: Dibs on any ketchup packets y'all done gone thrown out.
Peregrine: Dibs on Vamp's vacation time.
Mrsebi: I also have an announcement to make.

Mrsebi gets up on the stage.

Mrsebi: In the past five months of my working at TR, I have been mistreated horribly.
Flaw of Insanity: Wasn't me.
Mrsebi: As such, I am quitting TR.

*gasp*

Mrsebi: It wasn't even my fault there was a crayon up my nose. It was Vamp's.

*flashback*

Vamp and I were at Steak and Stein. Vamp was just finishing up his colouring sheet, but he had yet to colour the sun on it.

Vamparagon: Darn it Sebi, we're out of time.
Mrsebi: Just finish your colouring sheet.
Vamparagon: Sebi, I need to smuggle this purple crayon back to the castle so I can use it there.
Mrsebi: But you can finish it here, and you can use a different purple when you-NJGHUEGG

Vamp jammed the purple crayon up my nose. The waitress came and asked us if we were done

Vamparagon: Oh yeah. We're done. And we're not smuggling the purple crayon out.
Waitress: You can just have those crayons, dear.
Vamparagon: Awesome! Thank you. :D
Mrsebi: I CAN'T FIND MY TAIL.
Waitress: Is your friend okay?
Vamparagon: Him? Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just a little crazy.
Mrsebi: THEY CALL ME CAPTAIN ORANGE JUICE.

Vamp escorted me back to TR where we met up with Peregrine.

Peregrine: Hey guys.
Mrsebi: HEY GIANT TALKING ERASER HEAD DUDE.
Peregrine: What's the matter with him?
Vamparagon: I didn't finish colouring the sun on my colouring sheet, so I jammed a purple crayon up his nose so I could finish it now.
Peregrine: I see.

There was a moment of silence.

Peregrine: Aren't you going to take the crayon out?
Vamparagon: Pere, don't be an idiot. Suns aren't purple.

*/flashback*

Chamberino: While we're having flashbacks, Cial, why don't you tell us the story of why you get written out of the show so much?
Cial: Well, funny you should ask that.

*flashback*

It was my first day at TR. I was halfway through my interview with
Vamparagon. He was just looking at my file now.

Vamparagon: So your name is "Can I Abdicate Lines"?
SpecialX: No sir Mr. Paragon, it's SpecialX.
Vamparagon: So your name IS "Can I Abdicate Lines".

There was a moment of silence between the two of us.

SpecialX: Uhhh...
Vamparagon: I'm just going to shorten that down to Cial, okay?
SpecialX: But my name is-
Vamparagon: Wonderful! By the way, you can abdicate lines. Thanks for asking.
Cial: Wha-

Vamparagon hit a button on his desk and I found myself falling through a trapdoor before I could respond.

*/flashback*

Sticky: All these flashbacks almost make me miss Vamp.
Wixmagic: Yeah.
Peregrine: Almost.
Shadow: I for one do not miss Vamp.
Sparda: The only reason I was even allowed in was because Vamp is dead.

TR stayed inside trading flashbacks until dawn began to break. Once dawn broke, everyone headed outside and stood upon the hills overlooking TR Castle where Ryzaa had made his stand. The damage to the castle was extensive. Gaping holes littered the once proud stonewall. The dead from the battle littered the grounds, along with broken vehicles. Some of the wreckage and debris had floated into the lake that surrounded TR Castle, and was now drifting around in the basin.

Ryzaa: I don't know if we should rebuild this.

Everyone looks at Ryzaa quizzically.

Ryzaa: Maybe this is a new start for TR. Let's build a new headquarters. A huge tower.
Peregrine: Why stop there? We can build a whole city around it.
Dake: A city of gears.
Chamberino: TR City. I like it.
Cial: Can I have some lines?
Ryzaa: Yes Cial, you can have some lines.
Cial: Then let's roll.

As if knowing the intentions of the TR crew, the castle gave a final shudder before utterly collapsing. A huge shockwave of dust was sent out as the castle fell apart. The TR crew gave the ruins one final look, before they all put on sunglasses and calmly walked off in the direction of the rising sun, to begin anew.

In the wreckage, a single flower blossomed. A testament to TR's unfading resolve to never surrender.

Ryzaa: By the way Pere, Vamp wanted you to know he hated you.
Peregrine: :(

"I was only the servant of my country and had I, at any moment, failed to express her unflinching resolve to fight and conquer, I should at once have been rightly cast aside. "

The end.

by Peregrine Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:26 pm

A Guide to Characters in The Tales of TR v2

Leader of TR:

Name: Ryzaa
Role in TR: Emperor
Character Bio:
Ryzaa joined TR as a security officer working under the command of the head of security at the time, Pooks. After Vamparagon rose to power and Pooks resigned, Ryzaa was promoted to head of security. During Cocoa's takeover of TR, Ryzaa was one of the people who turned on TR. However, he returned to Vamp's side as a result of the guilt caused by shooting his second-in-command, Flaw of Insanity. In the aftermath of Amaranthe, Ryzaa succeeded Vamparagon as emperor of TR. Ryzaa is determined to make the new TR a more respectable company than it was after Vamparagon's rule. He is involved in charitable work, environmentalism movements, and visits the hospital every Wednesday to read to little children who are sick. He also makes a point to limit himself to one lunch break.

Second-in-Command of TR:

Name: Ragegamer
Role in TR: Second-in-Command
Character Bio:
Ragegamer was a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. At that time, he was designated as the head of being important. During Mathia's attempted takeover of TR, Ragegamer tripped over Vamparagon while in a gas balloon and plummeted into TR Castle's lake, an incident Ragegamer still has a chip on his shoulder regarding. As a result of this, during Cocoa's takeover of TR, Ragegamer defected to her side. After Vamparagon's leafeon was absorbed into the alternate dimension along with Vamparagon, Cocoa and their children, Ragegamer assumed Vamparagon's leafeon's responsibilities as second in command of TR. In the new TR, Ragegamer's job is to make sure the company continues to run smoothly when Ryzaa is away. He also does all the paperwork.

TR's Board of Directors:

Name: Chamberino
Role in TR: Environmentalism Manager
Character Bio:
Chamberino is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. Originally the department head of oddly smelling items, that role was scrapped when Ryzaa succeeded Vamparagon. Now he is in charge of managing Ryzaa's environmentalism movements.

Name: Charon
Role in TR: Charity Manager
Character Bio:
Charon is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. The original department chief of closet related items and part time hair dresser, he is now the manager of fund raising for causes such as finding a cure for cancer, research pertaining to new and clean sources of energy, etc.

Name: Cial
Role in TR: Minor Character Role Insurance
Character Bio:
Cial is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. He was the executive manager and creator of TR's brand of floss named "TRFloss", and at one point the emperor of TR. Cial did not actually get any lines until Ryzaa rose to power. Since then, Ryzaa allowed him to advocate minor characters rights and work to increase the chances minor characters in the story would get lines. In Amaranthe, it is revealed that Cial's real name is "SpecialX".

Name: Dake
Role in TR: Engineering Manager
Character Bio:
Dake was TR's engineering specialist during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. When Ryzaa rose to power, Dake was promoted, becoming a member of the board of directors. A real man. Dake's primary responsibility is the application of his engineering skills to operations TR is involved in. Dake is also involved with the planning department that is constructing the new TR City.

Name: Kaotic
Role in TR: Information Technology Manager
Character Bio:
Kaotic was on the board of directors until Vamparagon rose to status of emperor. Immediately after his promotion, Vamparagon ordered the head of security at the time, Pooks, to lock Kaotic up in the dungeons. Vamparagon then forgot about Kaotic and he ended up starving to death, but not before Kaotic was able to upload his consciousness to TR's computer mainframe. In Heartbreaker, the Breaker of Hearts, Kaotic reveals his consciousness is in TR's computer mainframe, and helps the TR crew retake TR Castle. After chapter 4, Peregrine takes Kaotic's remains to Cinnabar Island, where Kaotic's body is restored. Kaotic was reinstated on the board of directors by Ryzaa afterwards. He currently holds seniority in TR.

Name: Peregrine
Role in TR: External Affairs Manager
Character Bio:
Peregrine is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor, and was originally the department chief of miscellaneous accessories. He was the rival of the previous emperor, Vamparagon. Despite his rivalry, he was one of only three board of director's members not to defect to Cocoa's side during her attempted takeover of TR. When Ryzaa took over, Peregrine became the manager of external affairs. He is in charge of promoting and maintaining a good image for TR.

Name: Shadow
Role in TR: Internal Affairs Manager
Character Bio:
Shadow was originally hired as a janitor to combat an abundance of incidents involving Vamparagon and bathrooms. After Vamparagon was absorbed into the alternate dimension, Shadow was no longer needed, but instead of casting him aside, Ryzaa made him the internal affairs manager to contrast Peregrine's role. He is in charge of ensuring that TR members do not have problems with each other.

Name: Sticky
Role in TR: Construction Manager
Character Bio:
Sticky is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. Originally, he was in charge of taping things together. After Vamparagon's reign came crashing down and Ryzaa was installed as the emperor of TR, Sticky was put in charge of the architectural portions of designing the new TR City. He is the head of the planning department involving said city, and frequently works with Dake on the matter.

Name: Walt
Role in TR: The Guy Toy Thinks is an All Purpose Everything
Character Bio:
While technically not a member of the board of directors, Walt is considered an honorary member because he is present at all the board meetings. Whether he be there as Toy's chair, Toy's pen, Toy's coffee mug, or the snacks when it's Toy's day to bring them.

Name: wwwtoy
Role in TR: General Support Officer
Character Bio:
wwwtoy, or Toy as he is usually called, worked under Vamparagon during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. However, he did not actually have a job. As a result, when Ryzaa was promoted to emperor of TR, Ryzaa did not know what Toy was good at other than being a mutant bunny/man hybrid and thinking Walt is an all purpose gizmo. As a result, when Ryzaa promoted him to the board of directors, he told him to help out in any way he could. Hence the term "General Support Officer."

Name: Xusha
Role in TR: Production Manager
Character Bio:
Xusha is a worker that joined TR's board of directors during Vamparagon's reign as emperor. At the time, she was the head of paint brushing. Because fund raising won’t support a company the size of TR, TR needed a source of income. As a result, Xusha was put in charge of ensuring TR had a continual stream of income at all times. She is well known for two reasons. The first is her brush of making paintings come to life, which she once used to take over TR by painting an army of soldiers with. The second reason is because she's Russian.

TR Employees:

Name: Alderos
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
After the events of Amaranthe and several near death experiences, Alderos took a break from TR to play the role of a dead guy in the film "V for Vamparagon". For his performance, he won an Oscar. However, when the time came to say his thank yous/acceptance speech, the revelation came that Alderos had actually died during the filming of the movie. An examination at a later date established the cause of death to be "recurring gag".

Name: Draktand
Role in TR: Doctor
Character Bio:
Draktand is TR's resident medical expert and doctor. He treats the many injuries that TR members get on the job. Mostly Walt's. He also was the doctor who gave birth to Vamparagon's children. All three thousand five hundred and eighty nine of them.

Name: Female Voice
Role in TR: Artificial Intelligence
Character Bio:
This is the voice Dake programs into some of his gadgets that require an AI unit. "Female Voice" is registered on TR's payroll, although it is speculated that those pay checks go into Dake's bank account.

Name: Hunter Reckoning
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
An employee of TR. Hunter Reckoning was Kaotic's last line of defense against the weapon Dake built to turn the entire world into frogzards. Ultimately, Hunter Reckoning throwing eggs and toilet paper at Dake's weapon failed.

Name: Icewolfking
Role in TR: Cool Guy
Character Bio:
Icewolfking is prone to appear when you least expect him. Usually with an umbrella over his head and a glass of lemonade in his hand. However, there is a slight possibility he will have a can of lemonade in his hand instead. He is the proud owner of the catch phrase: "Chillin'." A fact that Icewolfking tries to hide is that his catch phrase was not always as awesome. In fact, he went through several failed attempts. See examples: "Wolf wolf, DYNAMITE." "Cool your jets baby, the king is in the house." and "The full moon's up, so my crown is ON."

Name: Juliana
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Little is known about Juliana. Especially since the author of this script has never met her before. However, she is more than likely in Cial's spin-off series.

Name: LightningZStar
Role in TR: Zard Land Tour Guide
Character Bio:
LightningZStar is in charge of tours through Zard Land. His duties usually include not telling Vamparagon to pet zards because they are very dangerous and giving Vamparagon ice cream to make up for it.

Name: Nagi
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Nagi isn't seen much. She sometimes shows up and helps the TR crew, and sometimes shows up and helps Cial take over TR.

Name: Peregrine's Charizard
Role in TR: Peregrine's POKéMON
Character Bio:
Peregrine's charizard is Peregrine's POKéMON. As opposed to Vamparagon and Peregrine, Peregrine's Charizard and Vamparagon's Leafeon are quite good friends.

Name: Peregrine's Rock
Role in TR: Rock
Character Bio:
Peregrine's rock is a rock from Zard Land that barrel rolls around and wears sunglasses. Peregrine doesn't like his rock. However, this is possibly because he is jealous that his rock has more friends, gets invited to more parties and scores more girls than he does.

Name: Robaldo
Role in TR: Bartender
Character Bio:
Originally hired as the bartender to TR Castle's bar, Robaldo is now the bartender of the new TR Inn in TR City. He also now serves more than just TR ale (TR wine, TR rum and TR beer are all equally unpopular alternatives).

Name: Sepulchure00
Role in TR: Ryzaa's Secretary
Character Bio:
Sepulchure00 is a very formal and organized man. Originally he was Vamparagon's secretary, but is now Ryzaa's secretary. He is in charge of scheduling in all of Ryzaa's important events, which is a big job.

Name: Sewage Cleanup Guy
Role in TR: Sewer Maintenance
Character Bio:
Sewage Cleanup Guy was a Ratchet and Clank reference that was in charge of keeping TR Castle's sewers clean. However, after TR Castle's destruction and Ryzaa's rise to power, Sewage Cleanup Guy has not been seen. It is possible he stayed behind in TR Castle's sewers to search for sewage crystals. However, it is more likely he and Alligator Gondolier are making a spin-off series together.

Name: Shadz
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Shadz's name is Shadow. Because of this, everyone gets him confused with Shadow (including Shadow). To prevent confusion, he got the nickname Shadz.

Name: Sparda
Role in TR: External Affairs Worker
Character Bio:
Sparda is a public relations worker in Peregrine's department. He's not a very major character, but he's more important in his spin-off series.

Name: Thoru
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Thoru is a loose cannon samurai who plays by his own rules.

Name: Winnie
Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Little is known about Winnie. Especially since the author of this script has never met her before. However, she is more than likely in Cial's spin-off series.

Name: Wixmagic
Role in TR: Poster Boy
Character Bio:
Originally, Wixmagic was the absolute minorist of minor characters. When Ryzaa rose to power, Cial recruited Wixmagic as the poster boy for the new minor character rights movement.

TR Security:

Name: Flaw of Insanity
Role in TR: Head of Security
Character Bio:
Flaw of Insanity was Ryzaa's second in command. His role usually was limited to taking Mrsebi to the dungeon. However, after Cocoa's henchman Mathia took over TR, Flaw of Insanity singlehandedly took out the majority of Mathia's forces and had a showdown with Mathia on the roof of TR Castle. Flaw of Insanity could have ended it there but Ryzaa, who was now on Cocoa's side, showed up and shot Flaw of Insanity. Flaw of Insanity showed up in time for the final battle against Cocoa's forces, and was promoted to head of security replacing Ryzaa afterwards.

Name: Security Officer #1
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
A generic security officer.

Name: Security Officer #2
Role in TR: Second-in-Command of Security
Character Bio:
Everyone's favourite generic security officer. Security Officer #2 is the second-in-command of security under Flaw, and can usually be found with Security Officer #1.

Name: Weena
Role in TR: Security
Character Bio:
Weena is a security officer whose skills with a gun at awful at best. During his first appearance in the story, he accidentally shot the door controls in an elevator, trapping himself and two others in the elevator with Sebi who was singing. During Cocoa's takeover of TR, when Ryzaa and Flaw were both in the infirmary with gunshot wounds from their fight, Weena assumed command of TR's security forces. However, he lacked the leadership skills to properly command the generic security officers he was left with. As a result of this, he attempted to go after Vamparagon himself, but was beaten senseless by Shadow. He showed up during the final battle against Cocoa's forces to end Vamparagon's reign once and for all, but his bad aim prevented him from hitting any of the TR members. Instead, he took out several of Cocoa's forces.

TR Soldiers:

Name: Arch Fiend
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Darre
Role in TR: General
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: DracoWolf117
Role in TR: Paratrooper
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Eonaleth
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A woman who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. She now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Evangel
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Felix
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Gustav the mage
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Judge ZYellowFlash
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Lord Starscream
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Satus
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: SecretSchenkel
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: ShadowReaper007
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: SirValor
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Tokijin
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Veonyx
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Name: Zeo
Role in TR: Soldier
Character Bio:
A man who fought against Cocoa in the glory of emperor Vamparagon. He now fights in the glory of emperor Ryzaa.

Former TR Members:

Name: Bert
Former Role in TR: Emperor
Character Bio:
The very first emperor of TR and the founder of the company. He died of a heart attack and was succeeded by Vamparagon.

Name: Crystal Lion
Former Role in TR: Head of something oh God I don't know
Character Bio:
A showgirl who worked in TR. After Ryzaa took over and gave the company an actual purpose, a showgirl was no longer needed, so Crystal resigned from her position at TR and went about advocating women's rights.

Name: Dai
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
A former employee of TR, and the person Toy thought the skeleton of the person Vamparagon forgot to let out of their prison cell would be. It is unknown what they did. However, considering Vamparagon was the emperor at the time he left TR, it is highly likely he did nothing at all.

Name: Deathclaws
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
A former employee of TR, and the person Cial thought the skeleton of the person Vamparagon forgot to let out of their prison cell would be. It is unknown what they did. However, considering Vamparagon was the emperor at the time he left TR, it is highly likely he did nothing at all.

Name: DemidragonX
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
DemidragonX was a member of the board of directors during Bert's reign. After Vamparagon took over, DemidragonX either resigned or was fired.

Name: Erik
Former Role in TR: Head of Keeping Track of the Time
Character Bio:
Erik was the original head of keeping track of the time at TR (since no one else could). During Cocoa's takeover of TR, Erik thought Cocoa was his pregnant wife and so he assisted her to the best of his abilities like any loving husband would. However, his heart was crushed when it was revealed that Cocoa's babies were Vamparagon's children, as opposed to his. Erik later attempted to kill Vamparagon in his maddened state, but was defeated by Vamparagon's leafeon. Erik wasn't found when soldiers searched the ruins of TR Castle. It is possible he is still out there, all alone, with no one to hold him, and stuff like that.

Name: Katherine
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Katherine was someone who really liked blood, as well as Sebi's girlfriend. During Mathia's initial assault on TR Castle, Bram "rescued" Katherine. She has not been seen since. However, there are rumours that the leader of MENSA has recently gotten married.

Name: Kittens
Former Role in TR: Second-in-Command of Security
Character Bio:
Kittens was Pook's second-in-command when she resigned. They were supposed to be Pook's successor, but Vamparagon instead fired Kittens and promoted Ryzaa to head of security.

Name: Mash
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Mash was someone who "worked" with TR during Bert's reign as emperor. However, his work usually involved eating mashed potatoes. When Vamparagon took over TR, Mash either resigned or was fired. Either way, he was replaced by Icewolfking.

Name: Mrsebi
Former Role in TR: Captain of the Gravy Train
Character Bio:
Mrsebi is a genius with an IQ of over two thousand as well as the leader of MENSA. However, once while eating lunch with Vamparagon, Vamparagon stuck a purple crayon up his nose. Vamparagon then forgot to take the crayon out his nose. As a result, Mrsebi spent the next five months of his life spewing random gibberish. Robaldo finally discovered the crayon was there and took it out of his nose, and as thanks, Mrsebi helped the TR crew reclaim TR Castle. Afterwards though, Mrsebi resigned as a result of the way he had been treated while the crayon was up his nose and has now resumed his duties as the leader of MENSA.

Name: Nammie
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Nammie was a member of the board of directors during Bert's reign. After Vamparagon took over, Nammie either resigned or was fired.

Name: Pooks
Former Role in TR: Head of Security
Character Bio:
Pooks was the head of security during Bert's reign as emperor. She resigned after Vamparagon took over.

Name: Pyronix
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Pyronix was a member of the board of directors during Bert's reign. After Vamparagon took over, Pyronix either resigned or was fired.

Name: Rohan
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Rohan was a member of the board of directors during Bert's reign. After Vamparagon took over, Rohan either resigned or was fired.

Name: Vamparagon
Former Role in TR: Emperor
Character Bio:
Vamparagon joined TR's board of directors during Bert's reign as emperor. After Bert's untimely death, Vamparagon called dibs on his emperor position. During his reign as emperor, Vamparagon was responsible for almost everything that went wrong. Many of the issues with TR were the result of the fact that he mistreated many of his employees. He also commonly neglected to use things such as common sense. Vamparagon has a girlfriend named Cocoa whom he had three thousand five hundred and eighty nine babies with. Cocoa used her children as an army to take over TR with. Vamparagon told Dake to reprogram the weapon that Cocoa intended to use to turn them all into frogzards so that it would instead send everyone with his and Cocoa's genes into an alternate dimension. Ryzaa arrived with Flaw of Insanity and TR's army and asks Vamp why he didn't tell Dake to just make it so that it only absorbed people with Cocoa's genes. Vamp, realizing he made a mistake, begged everyone to help him, but no one wanted to. As a result, Vamparagon was sucked into the alternate dimension along with Cocoa, his children, and his leafeon.

Name: Vamparagon's Leafeon
Role in TR: Vamparagon's POKéMON
Character Bio:
Vamparagon's leafeon is Vamparagon's POKéMON. As opposed to Vamparagon and Peregrine, Peregrine's Charizard and Vamparagon's Leafeon are quite good friends.

Name: Zedman
Former Role in TR: Unknown
Character Bio:
Zedman was a member of the board of directors during Bert's reign. After Vamparagon took over, Zedman either resigned or was fired

Antagonists:

Name: A Tape Recorder
Character Bio:
That's what SHE said!

Name: Baby Zard
Character Bio:
The term used for all of Vamparagon and Cocoa's three thousand five hundred and eight nine babies until the two decide on names for them all. Cocoa used them as an army to take over TR with. However, they were defeated by TR's soldiers.

Name: Cocoa
Character Bio:
Vamparagon's frogzard girlfriend and Erik's frogzard wife. Cocoa took over TR using Mathia and The Gentlemen of Lore as pawns. She also turned most of TR against Vamparagon. It is likely she would have succeeded in taking over TR had it not been for the timely arrival of Ryzaa and TR's army. Currently, she is trapped in an alternate dimension along with Vamparagon, Vamparagon's leafeon and her and Vamp's children.

Name: Gentlemen of Lore Member
Character Bio:
The generic name given to all Gentlemen of Lore members. They all wear top hats and suits. Higher ranking Gentlemen of Lore Members also sport monocles and gold pocket watches. They also talk like this, wot.

Name: InvadersFromDeepSpace
Character Bio:
A man who abducted Vamparagon, Peregrine and Icewolfking onto his space ship and then challenged Vamparagon to a trainer battle. Vamparagon defeated InvadersFromDeepSpace and then proceeded to steal a gold throne from him.

Name: InvadersFromDeepSpace's Arceus
Character Bio:
InvadersFromDeepSpace's POKéMON. It was defeated by Vamparagon's leafeon.

Name: Mathia
Character Bio:
The leader of The Gentlemen of Lore. Mathia has been carrying a grudge against Vamparagon ever since Vamparagon made fun of Mathia's PC. Mathia is the longest standing antagonist in the series, having been the villain in the first chapter and a villain in the fourth chapter. In the first chapter, he injected liquid madness into TR's water supply causing many TR members to go insane. In the fourth chapter, he tried to get another company called The Realms to attack TR. When that failed, Mathia attacked TR Castle himself with his army. He was last seen falling off TR Castle after Vamparagon owned him with more up to date Apple technology.

Name: MiltFan666
Character Bio:
The exchange worker who came to TR from the Miltonius fan club. Wants drudgen.

Name: Miltonius Fan Club Member
Character Bio:
A member of the Miltonius fan club. Wants drudgen.

Name: Nuke
Character Bio:
The leader of Nukia.

Name: Nukian
Character Bio:
A member of Nukia.

Name: ObliviousEffect
Character Bio:
A spy from The Gentlemen of Lore planted in TR. Attempted to kill Cial, but then was shot and killed by Flaw of Insanity.

Name: Security Officer #3
Character Bio:
A generic security officer hired by Cocoa to help with the destruction of TR.

Name: Security Officer #4
Character Bio:
A generic security officer hired by Cocoa to help with the destruction of TR.

Name: Security Officer #5
Character Bio:
A generic security officer hired by Cocoa to help with the destruction of TR.

Name: Security Officer #6
Character Bio:
A generic security officer hired by Cocoa to help with the destruction of TR.

Name: Security Officer #7
Character Bio:
A generic security officer hired by Cocoa to help with the destruction of TR. Is feared by generic security officers everywhere for having eaten Security Officer #9.

Name: The Big Bad
Character Bio:
The person who will be the final boss. He is somehow connected to Mathia's, Xusha's, Cial's and Cocoa's attempts to destroy TR.

Other:

Name: Alligator Gondolier
Character Bio:
An alligator who runs a gondola service in the sewers underneath TR Castle. He fought alongside the TR crew when they retook their castle. He hasn't been seen since. It is possible he stayed in the TR Castle sewers where his business was.

Name: Angel of Grief
Character Bio:
The leader of a company called The Realms. Mathia tried to get him and The Realms to attack TR, but he and Peregrine talked it over and Angel of Grief called off the attack.

Name: Artix
Character Bio:
Wait, what's he doing in my story?

Name: Bill Williams
Character Bio:
A farmer.

Name: Bram
Character Bio:
Bram, or "Bramman" as he calls himself, is the greatest superhero ever. However, no one's ever heard of him.

Name: Cashier
Character Bio:
A very patient person who works at Arby's. Has to deal with Vamparagon on occasion.

Name: Inn Patron
Character Bio:
The label given to everyone who drinks at an inn.

Name: Phoebus
Character Bio:
An uncivilized country person. He had to give Vamparagon a ride back to TR Castle. He takes great pride in the fact that his truck can reach speeds of up to fidy-five.

Name: Security Officer #9
Character Bio:
A generic security officer who was eaten by Security Officer #7.

Name: Waitress
Character Bio:
The waitress at Steak and Stein. As a very nice lady, she allows Vamparagon to take crayons home with him.

Name: Yulgar
Character Bio:
The guy who runs Yulgar's inn, the main competition for TR inn.

by Peregrine Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:37 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 358ypfa

WARNING

The following story might be considered offensive to some readers. Please note that anything said in this story is (at least an attempt at) a humorous reflection of the attitudes of some TR members and the recurring gags in TR. They do not express the views of the writer. If you are easily offended, then I would like to advise discretion when reading this story.

The scene opens up to a thirty floor tower. On its top is a helicopter landing pad with a helicopter resting upon it. The tower is shaped like a tube. Its sides are completely made out of glass, giving everyone inside a stunning view of the surrounding lands. The lands in question are a circular island, and extend for quite a ways. Surrounding the tower is a city that is being constructed. So far, only about twenty buildings are standing. Surrounding the city is beautiful wildlife that exists until the massive titanium reinforced glass wall that forms a protective ring around the island. The wall has a gaping hole facing the mainland. In that hole, there is a half finished bridge leading to the mainland as well as a harbour, at which a ferry service is running to and from the harbour at the other end. In the waters surrounding TR Island, someone is taking their speedboat to work.

Peregrine: It truly is the only way to travel.

Peregrine's speedboat hits a wave and rockets upwards.

Peregrine: Whoooo!

Peregrine parks his speedboat in the harbour and has a leisurely stroll up to TR Tower, enjoying the waterfront breeze as he goes. He enters TR Tower through its double glass doors, and stops to admire the new reception area. To his right is a coffee shop, and to his left is a gift store. Several people, some workers, but mostly tourists, milled about. The floor is stunningly glossy, as well as spotless. At the very far end of the circular reception area is a reception desk with two receptionists seated at it. On either side of the reception desk is a staircase that spiralled upwards towards the second floor. This is where Peregrine was bound.

Upon his arrival to the top of the staircase, as well as his arrival to the second floor of TR Tower, Peregrine begins to look around. On this floor are several potted plants, sofas and coffee tables with which people might relax. At the very far end are two elevators which run the length of TR Tower, from the second floor to the roof. The circular floor also has two hexagonal offices jutting out from the walls, both of whose fronts are covered in glass like the outside of the tower. One's shutters were closed and had the label "STORAGE" on it. The other's shutters were pulled up to the very top, and peering in, Peregrine could make out the head of security, Flaw of Insanity, typing at his desk in his office.

Entering the elevator, Peregrine presses the button marked "30". The elevator goes up, and when it opens, it opens up to a conference room.

The conference room is circular like the rest of the tower, with glass windows and a magnificent view. In the very center is a table, with twelve very comfortable spinning chairs seated at it. Five at each side of the table, and one at either end. To the right of the conference room table is a counter, at which a coffee maker and snacks are. Peregrine stops at this first, pours himself a cup of coffee, adds two things of cream, picks up a muffin and takes his designated seat at the conference room between his fellow board of directors members Dake and Sticky, and facing Shadow.

Ryzaa: Well, now that we're all settled in, let's get down to business. Let's start with our weekly progress reports. Chamberino, let's begin with you.
Chamberino: Our tidal power plant's construction is underway. However, if I may sir, I'd also like to suggest a solar power plant.
Ryzaa: Excellent idea. I'll try to take some funds out of the military budget and send them your way. Charon, it's your turn.
Charon: Remember how I said I was e-baying some posters of the board of directors that you had autographed, and then sending all the proceeds to Haiti relief organizations? Well, between the five posters, we amassed a total of three thousand dollars.
Ryzaa: Brilliant work Charon. Absolutely brilliant. Cial, you're up next.
Cial: I've got Wixmagic scheduled to appear as the main character of this story later on. Also, now that we've established a new setting for TR, Sparda will be able to write the second chapter of his spin-off series.
Ryzaa: Good to hear. Dake, how are things doing engineering wise?
Dake: The bridge should be done in time for chapter five. I've also taken the liberty of adding automated defenses all over the island in case we get attacked by a poorly organized antagonist. Again.
Ryzaa: I'm sure we'll all sleep soundly now that you've done that. Thank you, Dake. Kaotic, it's your turn.
Kaotic: All our employees have been issued MacBook Pros.
Ryzaa: Monitor size?
Kaotic: 17-inch, naturally.
Ryzaa: Naturally. Peregrine, what have you been up to?
Peregrine: Well, my department has done a good job promoting the new face of TR to the public. Based on our online polling, it would seem that 97% have a favourable opinion of you.
Ryzaa: And the other 3%?
Peregrine: That was just Vamp and his children. Apparently they have Internet in their dimension.
Ryzaa: I see. Shadow, status report.
Shadow: The only person in TR who seems to have a problem with anyone else is Weena.
Ryzaa: That's a statement I'm willing to live with. Sticky, how are things for you?
Sticky: We've got the foundations for ten new buildings laid out.
Ryzaa: Keep it up Sticky. Toy, what's going on?
wwwtoy: I hammered in a nail for Sticky earlier.

*flashback*

wwwtoy: IT'S HAMMER TIME.

wwwtoy begins to beat Walt's head against the piece of wood he is hammering the nail into.

Walt: Ow ow ow ow.
wwwtoy: What's the matter with you, hammer?
Walt: I think the nail was the wrong way around.

wwwtoy turns Walt over. Sure enough, the nail he was attempting to drive into the wooden beam was indeed the wrong way around. Instead of hammering it into the beam like he intended, he has hammered it into Walt's head.

wwwtoy: ...Oh.
Walt: My brain aren't thinking good with stuff.
wwwtoy: How do I remove a nail when my nail remover is what the nail I'm removing is in?

*/flashback*

Ryzaa: ...Okay then. Last but not least, Xusha.
Xusha: Everything is selling great. The umbrellas especially. I think the "Chill like the King" advertising slogan is very effective.
Ryzaa: Well, as usual, I'm proud of what my board of directors has to tell me.

Everyone beams.

Ryzaa: Now, our second item on the agenda is a mysterious letter sent to my Xbox live account. MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.

The lights in the conference room dim. From the ceiling, a huge LED flat screen monitor slides out. At the head of the conference room table where Ryzaa is sitting, a portion of the table flips over to reveal a MacBook Pro. Ryzaa clicks a few buttons, and the monitor comes to life. On the screen is the following text:

"I miss the old days when Vamparagon was the emperor, and we didn't go a whole one thousand words into the story like we just did without making a single joke.

A toast! To the good old days of TR. May Vamparagon rest in peace without seeing what Ryzaa has done to his company.

~ChillMan99"

Ryzaa: So, does anyone know who Chillman99 is?
Sticky: No, but he does raise a good point. We need some funny jokes.
Charon: Why do we need funny jokes? We're adults, you guys. We need to sit at this conference room and be official. Like adults.
Peregrine: By the way Chamb, are we still on for golfing this afternoon?
Chamberino: Only if you're paying for a full nineteenth hole.

Peregrine and Chamberino have a jolly good chuckle.

Shadow: Did we just make a golf joke?
Peregrine: I thought it was pretty good.
Xusha: It's official. TR sucks.
wwwtoy: Maybe we could be funny by writing Cial out.
Cial: We're not doing that.
Kaotic: It's a possibility.
Cial: WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.
Ryzaa: I agree with Cial. Removing him from our sights until the exciting things finish happening is old and no longer funny. We need something fresh. Something original. Something absolutely hilarious we've never done before.

There is a long pause in the conversation.

Peregrine: Let's put doing the impossible aside for a moment. Ry, what's your XBox Live username anyway?
Ryzaa: It's uhh...

There is another pause. Everyone stares at Ryzaa.

Ryzaa: Well if you must know. it's xXMisunderstoodXx.
Ragegamer: Seriously?
Xusha: I don't think Vamparagon is going to be resting in peace after hearing that.
Ragegamer: An emo? Outranking me?
Ryzaa: I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.

Meanwhile, Kaotic has pulled out his company blackberry and has called security.

Kaotic: Flaw? Flaw, are you there? We've got a situation in here.
Flaw of Insanity: Talk to me Kao.
Kaotic: We just found out Ryzaa is an emo.
Ryzaa: IT'S JUST A USERNAME.

There is a moment of silence on Flaw of Insanity's end of the phone.

Flaw of Insanity: Hang on Kao, I'm going to need to stop by the nineteenth floor for some backup.

Flaw of Insanity hangs up, leaving Kaotic and the rest of the board of directors to fend for themselves until help arrives.

Peregrine: WE CAN'T LET IT ESCAPE.

Cial jumps on Ryzaa's back. wwwtoy shoulders Walt and starts firing at Ryzaa.

Walt: I'm not loaded.
wwwtoy: Oh.
Charon: I think it's good that TR is so diverse.
Dake: Nobody panic, I have an emo containment device in my pocket for such an occasion.

Dake pulls out a small circular device and throws it down on the ground. With the push of a button on a remote controller in his hand, Dake sends the device spinning underneath Shadow. Shadow is then encased in a tube of light.

Shadow: Hey! What gives?
Dake: Hmmm... Slight mis-calibration it seems.

Suddenly, the elevator doors slide open.

Flaw of Insanity: MOVE IN.

Flaw of Insanity runs into the conference room and tackles Ryzaa. A kitten prances in after him.

Flaw of Insanity: I'VE GOT HIM.
Ryzaa: Get off of me.
Kaotic: Flaw, what happened to the backup?
Flaw of Insanity: She's right over there. Everyone meet my new recruit. Private Whiskers.
Whiskers: Meow.

Whiskers rolls over and starts to play with her tail.

Xusha: D'awwwwwwwwww.
Sticky: A kitty cat!
Kaotic: Flaw, that's a kitten.
Flaw of Insanity: She's one of my best soldiers.
Chamberino: What are we doing with Ryzaa? Or should I say xXMisunderstoodXx?
wwwtoy: BURN HIM.

A rousing cheer of "BURN HIM!" takes place. The group picks up Ryzaa and carries him out of the conference room. Shadow is forgotten about and left behind.

Shadow: That's just great.

The group makes their way outside and tosses Ryzaa into a fire pit. Peregrine begins going through the preparations for the burning of Ryzaa.

Peregrine: Wood?

wwwtoy holds up Walt.

wwwtoy: Check.
Peregrine: Kindling?

wwwtoy holds up Walt.

wwwtoy: Check.
Peregrine: Matches?

wwwtoy holds up Walt.

wwwtoy: Check.
Peregrine: Alright then, LET HIM HAVE IT.

wwwtoy throws Walt into the fire pit with Ryzaa.

Ryzaa: Hey Walt.
Walt: Hi.
Peregrine: IT DIDN'T WORK.
Ragegamer: The kindling must have been wet. Who's in charge of quality assurance?
Chamberino: We're going to need someone to go to the store and get more kindling.

There is a moment of silence.

Chamberino: Not it.
Flaw of Insanity: Not it.
wwwtoy: Not it.
Dake: Not it.
Sticky: Not it.
Ragegamer: Not it.
Peregrine: Not it.
Xusha: Not it.
Charon: Not it.
Cial: Not it.
Kaotic: Not it.
Ryzaa: I'll do it.
Peregrine: Shut up Ryzaa. You're too busy being burned alive.
Flaw of Insanity: Looks like Whiskers is the only one who didn't say "Not it."
Peregrine: Here Whiskers, take the keys to my speedboat.
Cial: Hang on guys, it's time to make a minor character the main character. Wixmagic, you're on stage!
Wixmagic: Hey guys.
Cial: Wix, you're going on an epic quest as the main character of this story.
Wixmagic: Awesome! Where do I go?
Ragegamer: The store. We need you to pick us up some dry kindling.
Wixmagic: That doesn't sound very epic.
Kaotic: Can you get me some gum while you're there?
Charon: Pick me up some nachos as well.
Wixmagic: Uhh... Okay. I guess.
Cial: Remember Wix, you're the main character!
Peregrine: Even if we're already two thousand three hundred words into this story.
Wixmagic: Well... Cya guys.
Chamberino: Why are you still here?

Wixmagic and Whiskers head down to the harbour. From there they take Peregrine's speedboat to the mainland. They then continue on foot until they reach a gas station.

Wixmagic: Well... This is it... Our big adventure.
Whiskers: Meow.

Wixmagic sighs and enters the gas station with Whiskers. He buys some kindling, some gum and some nachos. The two of them then proceed back to the dock. They then take Peregrine's speedboat back to TR Island. They walk up to where Ryzaa is being burned alive and present the supplies.

Wixmagic: Here you go guys.
Kaotic: Hawt diggity, my gum.
Charon: Good work Wix.
Wixmagic: Yeah.

The dry kindling is placed in the fire pit and lit on fire. Many TR employees leave TR Tower and the buildings in TR City and come to watch the execution of xXMisunderstoodXx.

Ryzaa: Hey Wix, how was your adventure?

Wixmagic is startled and turns around. Behind him, he sees Ryzaa.

Wixmagic: Ry? Shouldn't you be in the fire pit?
Ryzaa: Why would I just lie there while they burn me alive?
Wixmagic: Don't you think they'll notice if they see you alive?
Ryzaa: I don't think they will, no. In fact, watch this.

Ryzaa taps the nearby Weena on the shoulder.

Ryzaa: Hey Weena, I'm alive.
Weena: Sure you are.
Ryzaa: No, really. I escaped the fire pit when no one was looking.
Weena: You just got up using your legs and walked away, right?
Ryzaa: Right.
Weena: Right. Nice talking to you, Ryzaa.

Weena returns to watching the fire. Ryzaa gestures to Wixmagic.

Ryzaa: See what I mean?
Wixmagic: I guess.

The TR crew toasts marshmallows in the fire and sings some songs. Flaw of Insanity strums his guitar and begins to play it. Wixmagic tells the harrowing story of his adventure to everyone, but includes details such as how he climbed an erupting volcano to reach the lair of the dragon that had stolen all of the town's kindling, and saved a beautiful princess. It's a good night.

ANOTHER EMPEROR DEAD
Same emperor takes his place.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has met tragedy once again in recent times after yet another emperor came to his untimely end.

"I couldn't believe it," says LightningZStar, a tour guide who works at Zard Land, an amusement park established by the second emperor of TR, Vamparagon. "Ryzaa was always there for me. I can't believe he was an emo. At least we did everything we could for him."

"The cure for being emo is to cheer up," says Doctor Draktand, a medical specialist who works with TR. "If only the board of directors had contacted me instead of the head of security, maybe we could have tried cheering him up instead of burning him alive."

When asked who the new emperor would be, Ragegamer, TR's second-in-command had this to say to reporters:

"A man named Ryzaa has already called dibs on the job. That makes him both the third and fourth emperors of TR."

When asked the question: "Wait, wasn't Ryzaa just burned alive?", Ragegamer responded with this:

"Why would we burn him alive? That's just stupid."

“I’m tired of being made the scapegoat in life. I feel like I’m being persecuted at every possible moment. Even if a kitty comes up to me I’m suspicious of its motives. I know it’s just there to make a fool out of me.”

The end.

by Peregrine Wed Sep 22, 2010 5:49 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2w20p5k

The scene opens up to a white world. There is nothing but white. In the center of the white world, stands Vamparagon. Next to him is Cocoa. Surrounding him are three thousand five hundred and eighty nine little zards, all of which are red with wavy red hair just like his. Suddenly, nearby, there is a fizzle, as an orb starts to form.

Vamparagon: They came back for me!

Vamparagon runs towards the orb and begins yelling into it.

Vamparagon: GUYS! HELP! I'M STUCK IN THIS DIMENSION!
Dake: Vamp? Is that you? Dake here.
Vamparagon: Dake, you need to make this portal bigger. I can't fit through it when it's this small.
Dake: No can do Vamp. TR Castle was destroyed, and our new base is running on a generator until we can get a power source up and running. We just don't have enough juice on this end to get you home yet.
Vamparagon: You mean you can't get me home just using a generator?
Dake: Well, I could if so much power wasn't already being drained from the generator.
Vamparagon: Being drained for what?
Dake: Air conditioning.
Vamparagon: Can't you just turn that off?
Dake: No, we need that to deal with summer temperatures.
Vamparagon: Oh come on Dake. It can't be that hot
Dake: Wanna bet?

*flashback*

Chamberino opens up a freezer. Inside the freezer is a man with an umbrella over his head and a can of lemonade in his hand.

Chamberino: Ice? What are you doing here?
Icewolfking: Meltin'.

Icewolfking dissolves into water. The water then runs out of the freezer and dribbles onto the floor.

*/flashback*

Vamparagon: Okay, so maybe it is pretty hot.
Dake: Anyway, I'm sending you my latest invention. It should help you understand your family when they talk.

A hexagon shaped device about the size of an earring is sent through the portal.

Dake: Send me a postcard, will you Vamp?

The portal closes, leaving Vamparagon alone with the zards. Vamparagon steps on Dake's gadget by accident. There is a crunching sound. Vamparagon picks up the gadget, brushes it off, and places it on his ear as he would an earring.

Cocoa: Grawr rawr drawr.
Vamparagon: What?
Cocoa: Rarw nrawr drawr.
Vamparagon: Leave it to Dake to build something that doesn't work. Leafeon, status report.

From the pack of zards, Vamparagon's leafeon emerges.

Leafeon: Leafeon!
Vamparagon: What is it Leafeon? Is Timmy stuck in the well again?
Leafeon: Leafeon! Leafeon!
Vamparagon: Walt is stuck in a well?
Leafeon: Leafeon.
Vamparagon: Ice is stuck in a well?
Leafeon: Leafeon!
Vamparagon: DON'T WORRY ICE, I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU.
Leafeon: >_>

Vamparagon runs through the endless void of white alongside his Leafeon until he reaches a well. He begins shouting down.

Vamparagon: ICE, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, GRAB THE BUCKET.

Vamparagon lowers the well's bucket down into the water, waits a minute, and then turns the crank again to raise it. The bucket comes up filled with water.

Leafeon: Leafeon!
Vamparagon: Oh, it was just water stuck down a well. Not Ice.
Leafeon: Leafeon! Leafeon!
Vamparagon: Why don't you try finding something actually useful for once, Leafeon?
Leafeon: Leafeon.
Vamparagon lets the precious life giving fluid that would save his life later on fall back down the well, before moving on to bigger and better things. The two of them walked for weeks. Or perhaps it was merely seconds that felt like weeks. Who knew how slowly time passed in this strange new world?

/lameexcuseastowhyhedoesn'thavetoeat

Vamparagon: I think we've been here before.
Leafeon: Leafeon.
Vamparagon: I distinctly remember this spot of white.
Leafeon: Leafeon! Leafeon.
Vamparagon: You're right Leafeon, I need to take over this dimension.
Leafeon: ...Leafeon?
Vamparagon: Yes Leafeon, you can be my slave.
Leafeon: ;_;

Before beginning their empire, Vamparagon and Leafeon realize they need to recruit some peasants to do the physical labour involved, so of course the only option is Vamparagon's three thousand five hundred and eighty nine children.

Vamparagon: Come along little boys and girls. Daddy's gonna show you how to serve him!

The zards work hard throughout the day, and finally the first pillar of Vamparagon's new empire is built. Vamparagon, Cocoa, Leafeon and the babies look on at Vamparagon's brand new castle.

Vamparagon: Behold, NEW TR CASTLE.

The new TR Castle in question is made from the finest of the white stuff that the realm is comprised of. Vamparagon goes up to the front door and attempts to open it, but is unable to find the handle.

Vamparagon: WHO STOLE THE DOOR?

((EXPOSITION THAT NO CHARACTERS ARE AVAILABLE TO PROVIDE: THE JOKE IS THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE THINGS OUT OF EMPTY SPACE))

Suddenly, an orb forms with a fizzle.

Vamparagon: Dake, your stupid translator thingamabob doesn't work.
Dake: Good news Vamp, it's time for you to come home.
Vamparagon: Seriously?
Dake: We got a new generator so we can use that to bring you home.
Vamparagon: About time. Come on Leafeon, let's get outta here.

From Dake's side of the orb, a cell phone rings.

Dake: Hang tight Vamp, I gotta take this. Could be important.
Vamparagon: Since when can company workers afford plans to go with their cell phones?
Dake: You know what they say, Vamp. Time moves slower on the inside.

Dake answers his phone.

Dake: Hello? Nah, don't sweat it. I've got time.
Vamparagon: DAKE.
Dake: No, really. I'm not doing anything that might be considered important.
Vamparagon: DAAAAAAAAKE.
Dake: Pere's paying for the nineteenth hole you say?
Vamparagon: ...Was that a golf joke?
Dake: Alright, but we may need to hit the driving range first. Gotta warm up my swing.
Vamparagon: You.
Dake: Don't bother getting a cart. We can just carry our clubs. Sure, it might be slower, but hey, we're golfing.
Vamparagon: YOU.
Dake: Alright, take care. Bye.
Vamparagon: Who was that?
Dake: Chamb. Sorry Vamp, but something just came up. I need to leave now if I want to hit five buckets of balls at the range before our tee-off time.
Vamparagon: You mean you're going to save me?
Dake: I'll get to it later. Cya Vamp!

The orb disappears. Dake is gone.

Vamparagon: I can't believe I ever died for this stupid company.

*later, in a better dimension*

Peregrine: Nice shot, Chamb.
Dake: I agree.

It was the start of the fourth hole. Chamb had just made it on the green in one shot.

Chamberino: Thanks guys.
wwwtoy: I'm up next.

wwwtoy lifts Walt's head up so that Walt's head is facing the sky. He then proceeds to reach down Walt's throat and pull out a driver.

Walt: HWGPIEWGJNRHGEAJGREG.
wwwtoy: How many yards to the hole?
Chamberino: Looks like it's at least two hundred.
wwwtoy: Alright then.

wwwtoy tees up and takes his shot. To his dismay, his ball lands in a magma trap.

wwwtoy: Awww, blast it.
Chamberino: Tough luck mate.
Peregrine: I hope you brought a magma wedge.

"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad."

The end.

by Peregrine Sat Oct 23, 2010 5:21 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters K9ynu9

The scene opens up to a ringing alarm on a bedside table. A hand reaches up from a nearby bed and hits the snooze button. Today is the start of a very special day, for today is the day of our dear friend Sparda's twentieth birthday.

Sparda: My birthday was five days ago.

Shut up Sparda.

Sparda: And I was turning twenty-one.

SHUT UP SPARDA.

Wixmagic: Hey narrator, can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep.

Sparda nearly falls out of bed.

Sparda: WIX? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?
Wixmagic: I WANTED TO BE IN THE STORY.
Sparda: GET OUT GET OUT GEEEET OUUUUT.

Wixmagic runs away crying. Sparda prepares for work and after twenty minutes is out the door driving to TR Bridge. After paying the exorbitantly priced bridge toll, he crosses into TR Island. Immediately after the bridge is a large parking lot at which employees may leave there cars, as there are no roads on TR Island. Sparda leaves his car here and begins to proceeds to TR Tower on foot. It is not long before he runs into a familiar face.

Sparda: 'Morning sir.
Chamberino: Who are you?
Sparda: Sparda Stonerule. I work with Peregrine in the external affairs department.
Chamberino: Never heard of you.
Sparda: Well, I'm a main character in my spin-off series.

That reminds me. Peregrine wants you to finish that second chapter so he can begin work on the next chapter of his story.

Chamberino: What was that supposed to mean? Hey person, I think narrator might be drunk again.

I AM NAWT DRUBK!!!! =(((((((((((((((((((

Chamberino: Do we have anyone to replace him?

Sudenyl cial shows up

Cial: DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS.
Chamberino: Oh good.

It is a pleasant day in TR Island, Chamberino and Sparda are having a talk.

Sparda: The last narrator already covered that.
Cial: Oh yeah? Well I bet he didn't mention the giant lobster that emerged from the sea just now.
Sparda: What giant lobster?

Unexpectedly, a giant lobster emerges from the sea. It has a butter knife in each hand, and attacks Chamberino.

Winnie: EVERYONE STOP.

Everyone stops.

Winnie: That was from MY story.
Chamberino: I thought you didn't actually write that story.
Winnie: I didn't.
Felix: I'm confused.
Sparda: How did you even get here?
Felix: I DON'T KNOW.
Knife Dual-Wielding Giant Lobster: GWAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
Felix: OH GOD WHAT IS THAT.
Sparda: You can't kill me because it's my birthday.

The giant lobster puts on a party hat and resumes its slaughter of the TR members.

Sparda: Thanks Cial.
Cial: You're welcome.

A Scooby-Doo style chase scene ensues. In the confusion, Sparda and Cial manage to slip away to TR Tower.

Sparda: I hope I'm not late for work.

Sparda quickly makes his way to the elevator and rides it to the eighth floor. The eight floor begins in a hexagonal shaped room with a desk off to the right at which a bored secretary is playing farmville on facebook. Three doors, one to the right of him, one to the left of him and one directly ahead of him are in this room which lead off to various places on the level. He selects the one directly ahead of him and proceeds on ahead. After navigating a miniature maze of offices, he settles into his. The room has two desks, one for his company issued MacBook Pro and one for paperwork. Three chairs, one at each table and one near the door are in here as well, along with rows of cupboards for storage along the walls and a filing cabinet on the floor. Sparda settles in and boots up his MacBook Pro.

Cial: Hey, can we have some dialogue soon? I'm getting tired of narrating.
Sparda: Go narrate somewhere else then.
Cial: Don't make me talk to your manager.
Sparda: Good luck finding him.
Cial: I don't need to find him.

Peregrine knocks on the door and enters the office.

Sparda: Okay, that was cheating.
Peregrine: Hey Sparda, I heard it was your birthday!
Sparda: It's not.
Peregrine: Happy birthday!
Sparda: It's not my birthday.
Peregrine: That's nice. By the way, how are those fourth quarter earnings coming along?
Sparda: I'm a PR worker.
Peregrine: I want those on my desk by one o'clock.
Sparda: But I don't-
Cial: Hey Peregrine, can you believe Sparda doesn't like my narrating?
Peregrine: Wait, you can narrate?
Cial: Yeah, the narrator's drunk so anyone can do it.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa exits his office and RYYYYZAAAAAA

Ryzaa: WHAT THE-

RYYYYYZZZAAAAAA, THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD. GIVE PEREGRINE A RAAAAISE RYYYYYZAAAAA, OR ELSSSSEEEE.

Ryzaa: I'm an atheist.

WAIT, SERIOUSLY?

Ryzaa: Yes.

OH.

UMMMM.

RYYYYYZZZAAAAAA, THIS IS THE GHOST OF BERT. GIVE PEREGRINE A RAAAAISE RYYYYYZAAAAA, OR ELSSSSEEEE.

Ryzaa: Or else what?

ORRRR ELSSSE I WILLL WRITE VAAAMP BACK INTOO THE STOOORY.

Ryzaa: I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU TELL ME TO.

*meanwhile*

Sparda: I don't think you guys deserve to have this power.
Peregrine: You're just glum because I didn't get you anything for your birthday.
Sparda: It's not my birthday. Oh, but Nuke was able to remember.
Peregrine: What did Nuke get you?

*flashback*

The doorbell of Sparda's house rings. Sparda goes to answer it.

Nuke: Happy birthday.
Sparda: Hey, thanks Nuke.
Nuke: I brought some friends. I hope that's okay with you.
Sparda: Wait wha-
Nukian: HURRRRR
Nukian: DURRRRR
Nukian: LOL HAPY B-DAY
Nukian: WAT IS DIZ LOL
Alderos: 'sup?
Sparda: What are you doing here Alderos?
Alderos: Cutting this cake.

Alderos proceeds to place a birthday cake on a table and selects a steak knife for the job.

Sparda: WHOA HEY, are you sure you should be handling that?
Alderos: Why?
Sparda: Well, you're not very good with those things.
Alderos: Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Alderos cuts the cake into eight pieces. One for everyone.

Sparda: Well... Good work.
Alderos: Hey, thanks.

Alderos takes a bite out of his piece of cake and chokes to death on it.

Sparda: Well... Dang.

*/flashback*

Peregrine: That sounds like a pretty bad party.
Cial: Let's throw Sparda a better one.
Sparda: But my birthday was five days ago.
Peregrine: I have an idea. If the narrator can start scenes anywhere, why not anywhen? Why can't he end a scene and start a scene set five days ago?
Cial: Hey, that's a great idea.
Sparda: No it isn't. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

The scene ends. Sparda, Cial and Peregrine find themselves floating through space and time.

Peregrine: See Sparda, I told you this idea was stupid.
Sparda: IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

The scene opens up to a totally awesome birthday party that happened five days ago. The whole crew from TR is there.

Everyone: Happy birthday Sparda!
Sparda: Well, thanks everyone.
Voltaire: GRAB THE CHAIR BOYS, IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER BUCKET KICKER.

The chair is grabbed, and Voltaire begins to sing.

Voltaire: Happy Birthday my olde friend. It seems this horror show will never end. Any moment's your last breath, here is to another day closer to death.
Sparda: Well uh...
Voltaire: The cake is on the table, and it is awfully bright, 'cause there's so many candles on top.

Well, he's only twenty.

Sparda: Twenty-one.

Suddenly, the party hat wearing knife dual-wielding giant lobster from earlier breaks through the wall.

Party Hat Wearing Knife Duel-Wielding Giant Lobster: GWAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
Weena: RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES.

The group scatters. The party hat wearing knife dual-wielding giant lobster storms around inside Sparda's house, trashing things. Flaw of Insanity pulls out a detonator and blows up the house, killing the party hat wearing knife dual-wielding giant lobster instantly.

Sparda: Wait a minute, if this is five days ago then how long have you had my house rigged to blow?
Flaw of Insanity: I need to be prepared for these things, Sparda.

The scene ends. A trip through time and space later and the group finds itself in the present.

Cial: Hey Sparda, remember that party we threw you five days ago?
Peregrine: Yeah, that was great.
Sparda: Shut up. Just shut up.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa is on TR Tower's twelfth floor. It is the infirmary, and features an odd assortment of beds and medical equipment. Doctor Draktand is shining a light in his eye.

Draktand: So what did the voice say?
Ryzaa: It said that if I didn't give Peregrine a raise it would write Vamp back into the story.
Draktand: Hmmm...

RYYYYZAAAAAA.

Ryzaa: OH GOD THERE IT IS AGAIN.

RYYYYZAAAAAA, THIS IS THE VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD. BUY DRAKTAND A FERRARI RYYYZAAAAA, OR I'LL REALLY WRITE VAMP INTO THE STORY THIS TIME.

Ryzaa: I WILL I WILL I WILL.

A NICE ONE TOO.

Ryzaa: YES.

WITH RED PAINT.

Ryzaa: OF COURSE.

Draktand snaps his fingers in front of Ryzaa to check for loss of stimuli, like the deeply caring person he is.

Ryzaa: I heard it again.
Draktand: Sorry Ryzaa, but it's incurable.
Ryzaa: Say it ain't so, doc.
Draktand: And my analysis shows it's not bluffing about Vamp, so you better do what it tells you.
Ryzaa: Well then I'll just have to bring Vamp back myself to stop the voice from being able to blackmail me.
Draktand: Oh geez Ryzaa, I had this upside down. Yes, in fact it is already cured. No need to bring Vamp back.
Ryzaa: Oh, that's a relief.
Draktand: I'd still appreciate the Ferrari though.
Ryzaa: How did you know it told me to get you a Ferrari?
Draktand: UMMMMMMM.

"We are the people our parents warned us about."

The end.

by Peregrine Sun Feb 13, 2011 8:55 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 2m5085h

The scene opens to a classroom. As it is with most generic classrooms, a chalkboard is situated at the front, and tables with chairs are placed uniformly in front of the chalkboard. However this isn't a generic classroom at all, it is in fact a generic classroom OF THE FUTURE. Welcome to GEARS university, where young men and women travel to learn how to pilot fighting robot things or something I don't even remember the details I haven't played MQ in years JUST ROLL WITH IT FOR NOW. A professor is standing at the front of the class lecturing.

Professor of Insanity: So as you can see, the best way to take care of a giant spider is to get it in a headlock.
Weena: Hey Vamp, wake up.
Vamparagon: HUH WHAT.
Weena: You're sleeping through the detention Aleysia gave us.
Chamberino: We shouldn't even be here, it was all Peregrine's fault.
Peregrine: Cial dared me too.
Cial: Did not.
Peregrine: Did so.
Alderos: Even if he did, did Juli really deserve her hair on fire?
Peregrine: I don't know her well enough to pass judgment on her character.
Professor of Insanity: PAY ATTENTION YOU TWERPS THIS LESSON COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE SOME DAY.

Professor of Insanity opens a nearby door. A giant spider comes running out, only to be tackled and put in a headlock by the professor.

Professor of Insanity: Now you try.
Cial: YOU WANT US TO WHAT.
Professor of Insanity: YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID ATTENTION TO THE LESSON.

A different door opens up and a giant spider charges the six detainees.

Alderos: HEREY BARLLSKDJF FKDASD FG ASDF.

The spider picks Alderos up in its pincers and rips him apart, killing him.

Weena: OH MY GOD IT GOT ALDEROS.

The spider tosses what's left of Alderos aside and leaps at Weena.

Weena: OH MY GOD NOW IT'S GOING TO GET ME.

The spider's stinger pierces Weena in the chest, and he goes numb from the poison. The spider tosses Weena aside suddenly, its direction turned towards the professor, who just threw a chair at it. The spider launches itself towards the professor, but is stopped by a rain of plasma fire from the rifle Professor of Insanity is holding in his hand.

Professor of Insanity: You boys get Weena to the hospital, I need to go write a letter to Alderos's parents explaining that he died because I unleashed a giant man-eating spider upon him. Good thing I'm a member of a teacher's union or I might get sued.
Chamberino: Or lose your job, right?
Professor of Insanity: No, that would just be drastic.

The four who can still walk lift Weena up and get him out the door.

*later, at the Specific Hospital*

Nurse Helia: He's not looking so good. The poison is in his veins. The only way to get it out is to do a liver transplant.
Chamberino: Wait, how does that even make sense?
Nurse Helia: I have a degree.
Vamparagon: Be right back guys, I'm going get Weena some liver.

*later, at the grocery store*

Vamparagon: Hello sir I would like to buy some liver.
Butcher: What kind of liver? We got pig, ox, lamb, calf, chicken, and goose.
Vamparagon: Hmm, I think the chicken liver would work best.
Butcher: You know what a great recipe for preparing chicken liver is? Put that stuff in some cornmeal mush. Mmmm.
Vamparagon: Okay please add cornmeal mush to my shopping cart please okay thank you.

*later, at the Specific Hospital*

Vamparagon: Okay I got the liver and some cornmeal mush for making Cuisine of Moldova.
Nurse Helia: Step into the operating room, Doctor Draktand will need this for fixing your friend up.
Chamberino: Wait, Cuisine of Moldova? What kind of liver did you get?

Vamparagon steps into the operating room, Chamberino, Peregrine and Cial hurry in after him.

Draktand: Ah, you must be the boy that got me the liver. Excellent, I've already taken out Weena's liver so I just need you to throw your liver inside him.

Draktand turns his back to update a file on his computer. Vamparagon dumps the contents of his grocery bag into Weena's open body.

Chamberino: VAMP WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Vamparagon: Okay I am done.
Draktand: Alright then.

Draktand closes Weena's body with a dermal regenerator unit.

Peregrine: Oh God, should we say something guys?
Weena: Uhhh.
Draktand: How are you feeling, Weena?
Weena: Bad.
Draktand: Describe your symptoms.
Weena: I feel like I've eaten way too much Cuisine of Moldova.
Cial: I sure hope he likes Cuisine of Moldova.

The group proceeds outside to Cial's mini-van. It is an ugly beaten up green thing that he probably got for free in a junkyard somewhere. They hit the freeway and crank up the music and start to sing along.

Stereo & Peregrine: THE NIGHT IS BECKONING.
Stereo & Weena: ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO BUT HOME, FEELS GOOD TO BE ALONE.
Stereo & Chamberino: WITH EVERY TURN COMES A NEW FRAME OF MIND.
Stereo & Cial: IF I COULD FRAME MY MIND
Stereo & Vamparagon: WHERE WOULD IT HANG?
Stereo & Everyone: MY PILE SHAKES, AS I HIT 80' ON THE OPEN ROAD.
Stereo & Everyone: MY PILE SHAKES, AS I HIT 80' ON THE OPEN ROAD.
Stereo & Everyone: MY PILE SHAKES, AS I HIT 80' ON THE OPEN ROAD.
Stereo & Everyone: THIS IS AN OPEN ROAD-
Cial: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT.

On the freeway before them is a black and red mech, with a cannon on its back and two plasma hand scythes on its arms.

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Cial veers the van and drives right through the mech's legs. It turns and gives chase. Cial's escape attempt is hindered by the debris of other vehicles that met a similar end on this road that he has to zig zag around.

Peregrine: BANK A LEFT.
Chamberino: BANK A RIGHT.
Vamparagon: SHOOT IT WITH A LASER.
Stereo: I CRACK A WINDOW, AND FEEL THE COOL AIR CLEANSE MY EVERY PORE.
Cial: WHAT'S THAT IN THE SKY.
Weena: OH MY GOOOOOOD.

*cataclysmic event of unspecified properties*

The end.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:16 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters 303havo

Issue 1

The Old Ones return, strike right under the belt.
Study results show 10 out of 10 people who matter don't like Paxia.

The peaceful days filled with joy and pleasantry were horribly disrupted for many, as a group of malcontents suddenly rushed forth, wheezing and coughing a poorly translated offense at the unjust treatment they had been forced to endure for two long years! Who were these strange horrible people that decided to start trouble for no good reason? Our sources tell that they are a group of things called Paxians, hailing from a part of AdventureQuest long forgotten, only whispers of past glory and horrible flamewars remained of it, until now that is.

The incident began as a thread was opened for discussion regarding the lack of updates for Paxia, a state which it has suffered for two years. This was met with aghast, since no one even knew what a Paxia was. It seemed that the thread would sink and die mercifully without any posts. And then they, as many have referred to the people claiming to descend from that horrid place amidst their own sobbing, resulting from conversing with the horrors, they came forth. Many law-abiding forumites fled for their lives to escape the jabbering that spawned forth from the "twisted gibberholes" which worked as replacements for mouths for the Paxians.

They immediately began to go in full detail about the lack of updates for Paxia, bringing up past notes from game developers along the lines of "regarding about plans that at some point in the future would be implemented" and then, can you believe this, they said that it was unacceptable! The gall of them! How could they dare state such a claim? To the misfortune of many, they soon delved ever deeper to their blasphemy, claiming that two years with "no significant updates" was not enough, and worse of all, they stated that the game staff was responsible for fooling them time after time about an update just around the corner, and how they were disappointed time after time!

Valiant defenders soon rose up and began lashing at the creatures, ensuring the mental health of many young maidens and the less masculine males. Even members of the staff descended like angels from heaven upon these devils.

"I refuse to release something early just to placate those who would prefer not to wait for the higher degree of quality. Because the majority are quite happy being patient and enjoying the much better quality they receive as a result of their patience" they sang, and the forum held it's breath. Would the demons be vanguished, having so utterly been crushed under the majestic word of the divine ones?

No. They did not fall back.

They kept on, gibbering and demanding that something had to be done! We could tell you what things they said, but such things should not be printed on paper, for they would surely drive you mad. Instead, have this comment that one particular helpful person put down as their own input.

"Eh all this makes me feel bad seems like the AE staff does so much for the AE community and doesn't get enough in return they deserve thier own In-game holiday or something heh"

Or maybe we can get away with one example. Parents, it is advised that you take the children to the next room, and burn this article as soon as you are done reading it, for what is about to follow is not for those faint-of-heart on a 10-meter radius.

"You guys really like to be as blurry as possible, eh? I dislike that, but it could just be me. I guess I'll just have to ignore each and every post you make and wait for actual releases. "

We might get in trouble for releasing that, but we will do it regardless! The people have the right to know that someone out there insulted the staff!

How the people defending the staff managed to gather their courage against such heretics, we might never know, but we did manage to get a short explanation from one man who stepped up to the cause, demanding to only be referred to as "xxLoveGodValentinesxx" instead of Steve Shinnings from Springfield.

"All I needed was one look at them, and I knew what had to be done. Two seconds and I already knew everything about Paxia, and it had to be stopped. There are bigger things to think about, I heard that one guy said that they might do another Dragon war soon, an undead Dragon war, and release a dragon-slaying weapon! Now that's something to wait for!"

This courageous man is not alone on his opinion, as even a staff member commented on the situation.

"At times, I've thought that perhaps the best content update to Paxia might be a large bomb carefully dropped from overhead."

We are still waiting for that bomb, let us all join hands and pray to God that it's launched soon. Since we are a serious newssource, and publish only the most serious of news, we have to include differing opinions because of union rules, bleh. Here is one from some guy who thought that they might have joined Paxia eons ago.

"so like i went there and thought about signing up to a clan but then i realized that hey all they have different is their element and yeah i just gave up at that point, pointless, the whole place"

How they dared enter such a place is a mystery, more on that on the daily radio feed so stay tuned to it!

And frankly, here is where our story ends. As if silenced by the hand of a merciful God, the Paxians retreated. Biologists have commented that this is because it is once again time for these trollish creatures to return to their underground caverns to feed, and brood in silence for the next two years until their migration habits would kick in again, and they would return to threaten the daily lives of everyone, everywhere, in both past and future because they are also timeskippers, with wings that glitter with rainbows and unicorn-dust.

Paxians, a relic from ages past which is best left ignored because they're like, really annoying, or a hostile entity which calls for extinction as soon as possible? Join us next week as we discuss the matter over with our specialists who have two weeks in academic studies under their belts.

Up next, a major representative from the AQ GD-forum will be here for interview and to tell us about the threat to the eyesight of everyone, capital letters, and how in his opinion their use should be a bannable offense.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:18 am

Issue 2

Shocking revelation from Nocturu: "The skeleton's aren't real!"
Explanation finally for the clan's animatronics budget.

Visitors to the Nocturu castle last week were shocked when one of the guard skeletons suddenly broke into pieces and began to emit sparks, resulting in a fire which burned most of the carpets in the room.

While evading the question how a skeleton can start sparking the Nocturu clan leaders finally confessed that for years now they've used animatronics with the skeletons placed around the castle, instead of necromancy-raised skeletons as previously thought.

"At first we had enough money to pay for all our necromancers, but with the decrease in funding by clan members we just didn't have enough to keep it up, so we were forced to cut corners a bit."

In the aftermath of the skeleton breakdown, Nocturu officials have neen pushing hard for a return to their old ways, with illegal immigrant labor cheaper than ever.

"You'd be surprised what people will agree to for some food and shelter," A Nocturu official commented on the matter.

Nautica is no more!
Local dynamite fisherman finally released of all charges, previously suspected responsible for the disappearance of the entire clan Nautica.

The clan of Water is no more, declared by the leader of Nautica(who is also named Nautica, as well sick and tired of accusations of narcissism). Early this morning, the last member left the clan to pursue "more exciting jobs, like a farmer or a show dancer", and rather than let the clan fall to the ownership of the first other-clanner who would visit it, Nautica repurposed the clan base into an underwater five-star hotel.

Nautica von Herman, as he now calls himself along titles such as "Owner" and "Big Boss", had this to say:

"We're currently looking for people to work at all sorts of jobs. Janitors, bag boys, maids, chef's. Everyone's free to come on over and check if they're who we're looking for! Oh, and someone to feed the jellyfish too. Wouldn't want it to die, haha! Like last time."

Known Dynami opposition leader passed away peacefully.
Dynami leadership to hold parties instead of a funeral to ease the pain over Mr. X's death.

Disaster struck the minority of Dynami this week, as Mr. X, the leader of their party and spokesman for their radical ideas, was found dead in his apartment last night. He had always been vocal in his opposition against the secret Dynami plan to exterminate every other clan in Paxia, saying that peaceful co-existence would be a better option than to constantly work behind their backs to ensure they would not realize their imminent doom before it was too late to stop it.

Dynami officials have declared his death to be of natural causes. Mr. X had apparently caught a case of sudden death and as result, fell on his newly-acquired collection of weapons, including a spear, two daggers, a sword that fell from the mantle across the room and landed on his back and a seemingly magical axe with levitational proporties, which landed three times on his body in different locations before it ran out of magic.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:19 am

Issue 3

Timetravelers from the future arrive to save Lore from total destruction!
Miss their destination by a few years, are terribly sorry.

A group of ragtag adventurers, youths and elders arrived yesterday to Paxia, their goal being nothing less but saving all of Lore from a horrible threat that is gathering strength to this day!

However they immediately realized that they did not travel back enough, missing their intended destination by a few years. The leader of the group had this to comment before they went back in time some more.

"Well uhh, we intended to like, go back like fifty years or so, but looks like we should have gone back fiftytwo years. Don't worry, we'll get it right this time, but uhh. You're screwed. It's too late to stop that thing on this timeline anymore. For what's it worth, we're like, really really sorry that we doomed your entire timeline."

Aerodu relieved as they discover that thousands of clan members haven't been kidnapped after all!
Instead didn't exist at all.

A crisis began to brew yesterday in Aerodu as they suddenly realized that thousands of their members had gone missing all of a sudden, and they feared a mass kidnapping had taken place. They immediately began to investigate, and to their relief they discovered that it wasn't a case of kidnapping, but faulty counting on clan member numbers.

The result was that the clan member count was corrected from 300,656 to 1012. The person responsible for the recount preferred to stay anonymous, but was willing to explain the situation.

"Well it's fairly simple actually how this happened. I mean, after the first hundred or so, you sort of start to get bored. We figure that the original counters just went in circles around the base and counted the same people thirty or so times. I mean, with all the red robes and hoods, everyone does look the same."

Aerodu is improving the situation by handing out mandatory and easily distinguishable funny hats to its members.

A new delicacy has hit Battleon's food shelves: Zard eggs!
Tastes just like mud.

Finally tired of the same old fame and glory, Adventurers and Guardians alike have asked for something more, new and amazing to fill their guts with rather than punches from monsters.

It was the Zardhunter who came up with the solution to two problems at the same time. By netting for zard eggs, plump and slimy things, he has been able to make a lot of money selling them to pubs, inns and chef's all over Lore.

"They're light, easy to chew, what's not to love? You could pack twelve of these with you and never go hungry during your warring or questing."

The Zardhunter himself is pleased with the outcome, as some of his work load has been literally eaten away.

"Those crazy buggers(Zards), they breed fast, grow up faster and I just can't catch them all! Farmers and such called me out all the time before to help with them(Zards), or just to chew me out because a new batch was born and ransacked their place right after I got rid of their parents and elder siblings."

"Maybe I can finally take a nice long vacation after this."

Mass food poisoning cripples Battleon defenses.
Mother's love totally useless.

Nimrod, the town's current military leader, shakes his head sadly. Behind him are rows of beds that are now filled with moaning and groaning Adventurers and Guardians.

"This is the worst thing that I've ever seen happen, and I've seen Warlic turned into a super-man and into a female. Both times I was left confused."

With practically all Adventurers and Guardians now bedridden, the town is possibly facing dire times if any of the dozens of villains would decide to invade.

"This is the worst possible situation for us. Even Zorbak could take over Battleon like this."

Nautica celebrates New Years Eve with traditional fireworks display!
Accidentally declare war on Dynami! See page 2 for shocking report and pictures!

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:23 am

Issue 4

Warlic finally to retire with a shocking revelation!
"It was all done by mirrors!"

The most famous magician in all of Lore has finally given a confirmation that he is going to retire, but also wanted to come clean and confessed that he has never been able to do anything more magical than a candlelight dinner.

"I just like to dress like this! People always got me confused with a wizard, so eventually I just got tired and hatched the plan to use mirrors, and they bought it!"

But soon tales of his great magic abilities began to spread, and Warlic was forced to use more and more, bigger and bigger mirrors, his most ambitious project according to him was during one Dragon war where he had to make hundreds of thousands of dragons "vanish in an explosion from a joint magic-attack between me and Artix".

When asked why didn't he ever use smoke, the ex-conman revealed a severe allergy to ash.

"It's the reason I never even tried to help during the Great Fire War" he commented. He also confessed that he used mirrors to create an illusion of massive armies attacking Battleon numerous times in the past.

"Also the adventurers. I can't believe no one ever realized it."

Chosen Ones as far as the eye can see.
Battleon facing it's dullest threat yet, after the last Dragon war.

Massive rioting has left many would-be heroes behind bars, as Guardians were forced to lock up all of them after a heated argument between them turned into a brawl.

The incident began from a prophecy told by a seer, telling of a "great hero who will arise and save us all from certain doom". Before anyone knew it, Battleon was flooded with people claiming to be said hero, all of them claiming to be the one who struck down Drakonnan, Carnax and so on. Accusing each other of lying, it wasn't long before the first punch was thrown, and the whole brutal spectacle ended with several buildings burned down to the ground by the marauding horde and major public property damage.

The seer responsible for the chaos unfortunately escaped the mayhem, but was thought to have been spotted again in Lolosia shortly after another Chosen One-related accident. As Chosen One incidents continue on the raise, many families have begun moving out of major towns in hope of escaping the violence.Unfortunately as history has taught, most Chosen Ones come from distant villages and often mundane settings, only to rise up as a hero after some event or another changes their whole life.

Galanoth had little to comment on the situation as people are still clearing the debris left by the accident.

"We believe most of them realize they are pretty much a fraud, but we fear for the poor sod who really was the Chosen One."

With the town's jails full of Chosen Ones, real criminals have been given free reign, so demands for quick resolution of the situation have been called for. Galanoth assures that they have already begun to work on the situation.

"We've made a camp for the Chosen Ones to live in, where they will be taught how to concentrate."

Some important war not happening in Paxia.
Paxia residents not scared of huge, bloody war not happening on their island.

The goriest war known to Lore reaches its peak as people of Paxia go through their daily business. When asked about the long-term economic and psychologically traumatizing events of the war, an anonymous resident displayed profound discontent at the weather being kind of dry lately.

Paxians heartbreakingly praised the fashionable hats of the men coming back from the war, unware of its significance as ceremonially given to the recently deceased, but the war effort has forced into common use as materials and handpower reach an all-time, Paxian-unaware low.

A family commented on the matter.

"Can our younger kids join their brother at the circus or the boat or whatever it is he is doing? We are sure he'll be happy to see them!"

Newest hit product from Blade Co! It's the Singing Sword!

Are you tired of having to tell your heroics time after time every time you visit a tavern? With the Singing Sword, you'll never have to retell your boring adventures ever again!

Only 15999 gold, buy now as stocks are limited!

Accidents caused by taunts of the Singing Sword are not refundable. Language spoken by Singing Sword may vary between stores.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:25 am

Issue 5

Scientists and other wackjobs call for yet another war on dragons!
This time for real reasons!

A group of Lore's greatest scientific minds called together a meeting early this week to convey their shocking discovery.

"During our research regarding Lore's food plants we noticed a curious trend of high yields in an erratic fashion, always followed by the crop output falling to normal levels. It has taken long but we finally have found out why there exists such a trend, and why it appears so sporadically."

"It turned out that all the times the crops were good and people had plenty to harvest just so happened to follow a brutal war with dragons, leaving thousands of their dead just rotting away in fields."

"Who would have known that all of Lore's plantlife require dragon corpses to grow with?"

The team has also warned that the past peaceful years with dragons has led to crops deteoriating all over Lore and will, rather than might, pave way to famine. Dragons have already been asked to commit mass suicide but they have yet to comply.

"It's us or them, and really, there's more where they came from."

Paxia holds it breath as biggest-ever Paxian Olympics are held!
Experts think "they held their breath too long" as no one shows up.

Once again, the crowd would have gone wild if dozens of energetic athletes from the eight clans had come to compete for the honored medals of Paxian Olympics! Stand sellers from far and wide showed up to sell their products, and assured that had anyone been there to buy them, they would have been absolutely crazy for the delights and small trinkets.

"Just look at this hat," exclaims Aeroduian stand seller XtremeFlyBoi. "It says 'I love Aerodu' on it. Imagine how many people would have wanted to buy this. I mean, who doesn't love Aerodu?"

Our Sports-announcers are here to describe in full detail, a football match between Lucian and Dynami, had it ever been played.

"No question about it Announcer #2, this game would have just started."

"Looks like there might have been some fighting over the ball just now."

"And there, from absolutely nowhere, would have come BeastWarrior Nocturne(or as his mom calls him, BWN) to take the ball!"

"What a goal that would have been!"

"No doubt about that last goal, had there been one, that Dynami defenders would be ready for a brawl- and ooh, right there a punch would have been thrown straight at a Lucian offense player!"

"As all hell would have broken loose the referee would be running straight into the middle of the fight, whistle whining and throwing red cards from left to right!"

"Ladies and gentleman, this would have been one match you would have hated to miss!"

Also in Page 3, Paxia struggling to pay back it's multi-billion gold debt, result of several failed community events.

Local nobodies demand: Lucian to face trial based on several accounts of monster-cruelty!
A daring raid by the Monster-Friends group revealed horrors within the Lucian mountain palace!

All of Paxia was utterly aghast early this week as the local activists finally released a statement that was more than hollow threats and insufferable propaganda! The group had infiltrated the Lucian clan grounds after receiving reports that monsters were being mistreated within the Clan of Light's home! And how true it was, they found out, as they found dozens of chained up Lightbringers, obviously left to their own accord without food or water!

"It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. We think they were using them as light-source."

Lucian was quick to resolve the situation by stating that the activists were lying and had staged them up, and even invited officials to check the clan halls themselves. Upon arrival, the officials were pleased to find no sign of monster-cruelty anywhere in the Palace, just a lot of bodybags, thumping chests and planks leading nowhere but to a long drop down the mountainside from several windowsills.

"Unfortunately, until concrete evidence is found, we have nothing to accuse Lucian of."

The activist group was obviously enraged, but all of their effort is going to help the Lightbringers they freed and brought to [LOCATION RETRACTED, UNLESS LUCIAN RETURNS WITH A BETTER OFFER, TAKE THAT PART OUT WHEN YOU RELEASE THIS ISSUE].

"They've been through a lot. We fear it will take several years of therapy and rehabilitation before they regain their gold and XP values for Adventurers and Guardians to kill them over after we release them back into the wild."

In response to criticism, Lucian has released an official statement promising that they will switch over to environmentally friendly Lightbringers in support of the Green Paxia movement. Which they have just coined for themselves as the creators of.

Meanwhile, people around Lore have been complaining about an eternal darkness which has begun to loom over them from the horizon, disembodied voices whispering of "His return", eternal suffering and other things which are making it hard to sleep.

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The New Silverado.
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Wheels sold separately. May require assembling. Elgoldorado Co. is not liable for any accidents occurring during assembly or usage.

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The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

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