Re: The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:27 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters - Page 2 303havo

Issue 6

Igneus terribly sorry for their most recent blunder.
Discover ancient civilization of dwarves living under their clan base; drown it in magma immediately after.

Workers labouring to expand the Igneus clan base were surprised while during mining they breached into a large artificial cavern, filled with living and working dwarves and the towers of stone they had built by their own hands. The dwarves in turn were surprised when a torrent of magma swept into their dwelling from the Igneus volcano. The chairman of workers replied as follows to the situation.

"It's a shame really, but you can't stop progress."

"A hollow area like that would have been disastrous for our expansion plans, we need firm ground for our bath houses and casino, they just had happened to build the entire city in the wrong place. Unfortunate, but there you have it."

While asked what was next for Igneus, the chairman replied that once the magma in the dwarven city(which according to workers had to be inhabited by at least five thousand dwarves(judging by the screams)) cools into obsidian, it will be mined out and carved into furniture and building material for their new bath houses and casino. Both projects are being relocated from their original planned area, above the dwarven city, because a clan majority vote told that they dislike walking more than five minutes to either location.

Geoto relieved to finally admit the truth.
Not actually a lion, just a really big cat.

The leader of the clan of Earth has finally come forth, saying that he has never been so relieved.

"I don't have to pretend to be a bold fearless great beast anymore! It's everything I've ever wanted! Ever since the clan opened people began to mistake me as a lion, and they were so happy and proud of it that I just couldn't break it to them."

While obviously surprised, the clan has taken the news quite well, instead of breaking down in tears and riots as many had guessed. One clan member had this to say.

"I guess it explains a few things. Like how Geoto kept bringing dead Seed Spitters to the tower entrance. And all that purring. Should have known, really."

While Geoto himself is happier than he has ever been, seers around Paxia have come forth with a warning that soon, stupid memetic shouts and silly drawn portraits of him would begun to arrive in ever greater numbers, and none would survive the horror.

Are you tired of trying to conquer the countryside with the same old sword and spear-tactic? Need something new and exciting?
Come to Steve's Artifact Shack!

Dozens of ancient artifacts of overwhelming power at our selection, guaranteed to give you ultimate power unlike any mortal!
Steve's Artifact Shack: For the Better Insane Overlord.

Warning, side-effects include mysterious counter-artifacts rising from nowhere and ultimately leading to your downfall.

Buy two, get a free casket and burial service!

"Hi, my name is DoomWolfKnight. A few weeks back, the doctors told me I didn't have much to live.
So, I did what I knew I had to do. I bought myself a Death Bed."

Death Bed's. Don't die like a loser, die in style!
Only 19999 gold!

DoomWolfKnight(rest in peace) approves of our product!

Now on shelves to combat flu season, Sword Cough Drops!

Having trouble lining up that crossbow shot because you keep having to cover your mouth? Look no further! Sword cough drops are a new special design of cough drops that use their unique sword shape and flavour to quite literally stab your cough in the chest. Visit your local Yulgar's Inn to pick up your package today!

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Refraining from putting the cough drops in your mouth significantly decreases your chances of death from internal bleeding.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:28 am

Issue 7

Parents worried for their adventuring children!
No longer adventure, spend all day killing monsters instead!

Around Lore, parents of many aspiring Adventurers and/or Guardians have noticed a discomforting trend among their children and their friends.Instead of delving into deadly dungeons or embarking in vague quests in hopes of useful treasure, they are instead spending all their time on the field, killing monsters.

"When I was young, we didn't spend time chasing after some zards, no, we kept our ears open and if someone even as much as whispered the word treasure, you can bet we were on it like Obsidia on graveyards!" comments one father, while showing off all the various scars he gained during his escapades.

The younger generation has replied that it's not something they enjoy doing, but they have to do, as times have changed from the time their parents were young.

"Just last week we wiped out a dragon army. I still need to kill 294 more monsters by Friday so I can buy a memento of that war. I'd need to kill four times that if I wanted actually useful gear from there."

"It's disgusting." comments one father.

"When I was young, I cut my way through a field of Ice monsters to get to a treasure chest at the end, and it charged me 2000 gold for a weapon. If our children must spend most of their time killing monsters instead of seeing the world, how bad will their children have it? Who took away the adventure from adventurers?"

"We need to get our children saving the world, not just running around commiting genocide!"

Scientists warn that unless the inflation of equipment prices is stopped, 95% of Lore's animals with XP values will be extinct within the next twenty years.

Selling: Rarely used Guardian Dragon
Well behaved, previously owned by an elderly Guardian who only used it to smite her enemies during the holidays.

Is your wife expecting a gift for the anniversary? Didn't remember it until now? We are here to help.
Paxia Airflights.When you need to get far away, and fast!

Moglins Unite!
Calling a meeting between all Moglin's who are sick and tired of not being treated with dignity and respect by the people around us, despite all our hard work! Just ask the closest person to you to punt you at bearing of 34 degrees North and bearing of 75 degrees East.

Newest from the markets of Drakel K'elds: Kelp Ball shaped tables!
It's fashionable, it's expensive, it's everything to make your neighbour hate you for!

Warning: Does not actually support anything on it. Do not place on uneven surface or near children and small animals.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:31 am

Issue 8

Due to diminishing reader numbers, we regret to inform you that we had to sell all of the space from today's Charlatan for our advertisement partners. Please enjoy them regardless, and buy a lot of things! You don't want the Charlatan to die, do you?

This weekend, at Battleon's Pit, it's the fight of the century that you don't want to miss!
Zorbak VS Kabroz!
The battle for a small pet cemetary begins!
These brothers will spare no punches in their rivalry, culminating in this fated match that only one will walk out of as the winner!

The honourable referee R'ma'logol the ethereal demon king of all Evil, Eternal Pain and Horrible Torture will be presiding.

Steve's Emporeum presents: Temporal rifts!
These nifty little things will work as armor, weapons or even pets, manipulating time and space to your whim no matter what you can and will think of to ask them for!

Buy your own now, for stocks are limited and one-time only!

Help wanted:
Brave adventurers needed for dangerous mission in the Ethereal realm, to investigate recent temporal alterations that threaten to destroy the entire time/space fabric of the Universe.

Do you find yourself farming more and more?
Do your loved ones bother you when they talk to you because you're farming?
Have you dropped out of school to farm?
If so, then you might be suffering from a farming addiction.

So put down that hoe and forget about the fields, come to Yulgar's today and we'll have you working where it matters in no time!

Guardian Administrative Order: Sending wave after wave of our own men at the enemy until none remain

Feeling empty inside this Valentine's Day?
Worried your heart might be three sizes too small?

Visit your local Warlic's magic shop to get a heart transplant!
Experience the miracle of love for only 39999 gold!

by Peregrine Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:33 am

Issue 9

Thanks to an unknown lost civilization, which we just so happened to found under the muck we were wallowing in while chasing after rodents for food, the Charlatan is now back on it's feet with no problems what-so-ever!

We'd like to thank everyone who showed up to our yard sale, where priceless artifacts went for quite reasonable prices!

Embodiment of universal evil manifests upon Battleon!
Announces shutdown of Lore offices.

To whom it may concern,

Despite the long relationship We have had with your planet, We are afraid that the situation, with the continuous first-, second-, third- and fourth-quarter fiscal year results not going as planned, has finally reached a critical stage where it is our liability to come to a decision. As such, it is Our unfortunate duty to tell our long-time customers and business-partners that starting immediately, We are shutting down the Lore branch of our company.

While Our management has priced Ourselves as the top-producer of Bad Things, Horrible Accidents and Tear-Jerking Tragedies, it is an indisputable fact that Lore has outdone Us in Our own game. Understandably, every time We massed a horde of monsters to ravage the countryside, or let slip a powerful artifact just for a particular individual get their hands on it, you fought back, successfully, time after time.

But it is when the very people We are to enact evil upon do something even We had not considered, that We can only say We've been beat.

For years you have kept up an industry based on killing our underlings, which as we said is understandable, but what even We are appalled at, is how you steal their possessions from the grasps of their still-warm corpses and sell them as war trophies.

You people disgust Us.

As union-rules however dictate, each planet must have an entity of evil present, so We have taken the liberty of moving Our responsibilities to the most evil individual upon Lore. To protect the identity of Steve however, we can only tell that his heinous act, that skyrocketed him to the top of the list, was him kicking a dog and meaning it.

For those curious, he passed such people as Galanoth at #85956, Artix at #85955 and Twilly at #2.

Relatives saddened as Glaciar has begun to show signs of dementia.
Currently re-living events from two years ago.

"Six thousand! They took six thousand from us! We got to stop them, come on lads!"

A nurse shakes her head, defeated by the sight of the once noble and strong leader of the Ice clan being in such a state. While suddenly looking energetic and lucid as always in the past, he soon is distracted by a cup of pudding on the tray in front of him, which is soon gone(the cup) to his hungry maw.

"We always knew that the day would come when he gets too old to lead the clan, but this? This is much worse than any of us could have even imagined."

While currently residing in a state-of-the-art treatment center, doctors tending to Glaciar have stated that the old bear would never recover to lead the clan again. His brother Bergos has already stepped forth to claim leadership, but currently the clan members do not trust him enough to hand it over. The doctors were kind enough to describe the situation to us.

"The truth is that he'll just keep getting worse and worse. He'll live out the best days of his life in such precise accuracy in detail, that it's almost as if he was reading a book, but on the other hand, he can't remember if he has been fed in the past five minutes or not."

While our reporter had attempted to interview Glaciar as well, the doctors told that he was in no condition for anything like that and asked him to leave, forcing us to end this article with the last cryptic line heard as he bursted into another memory out loud.

"The dog, it's digging our grave! Digging our grave, stop that dog!"

Igneus trembles as a hostile takeover takes place and succeeds!
No resistance was available, takeover leader comments.

In a posthumous development from the clan of fire, leadership has changed hands from N/A to Sacchi, an upstart young politician commited to the best interests of the entire clan. Sacchi secured his position after a landslide victory, beating the other contestant, Sacchi, by a 100% margin.

"I have a lot of respect for Sacchi's agenda," comments official spokesperson for Igneus, Sacchi.

To celebrate, the new leadership of Igneus, which is to be referred from this day onward as the Sacchi, handed out grab bags, containing political standing among the Sacchi. Few however showed up to claim any of said political positions, greatly upsetting the Sacchi, who was immediately overjoyed as he realized he held all positions of power among the Sacchi.

"You'd think that people would be more excited about a hostile takeover. Maybe we should have shot someone, I don't know." commented the leader of military, Sacchi.

Glacian science experts prove Dynami is the root of all evil!
As if we didn't know that already.

In a miraculous turn of events, Glacian high researchers have finally uncovered conclusive evidence that Dynami is the root of all Paxian evil.

"I'll tell you why Dynami is the root of all evil, in my opinion. Glacius's defence score has been going down thousands of points recently. You can't explain that. You can't explain why our defence score is going down."

When it was suggested the decreasing score could be a result of a group of people attacking Glacius, they released this counterstatement:

"Why are people attacking Glacius but not Dynami? You can't explain that. You can't explain why people are attacking Glacius but not Dynami."

In light of these accusations, Dynami has finally been forced to buckle under suspicion and admit, among other, less important things, that they were the grand masterminds behind the entire ice cream smuggling ring that became a cold case two years ago.

Knights of Order finally get their demands through!
Revise physics and reality to their whim.

After long debate and re-writes, the Knights of Order were finally able to pass with their newly written laws of physics. Kalanyr, the man in charge, was obviously glad to have finally succeeded in their long sought-after goal.

"Finally we are getting closer to making Lore match our vision for it. People these days just don't realize that it was never meant to be fun to adventure, but adventurous!"

The new laws of physics, as well some other important things the KoO pushed through, will come into effect immediately at the start of next week, followed by six months of probable reality-bugfixes. Here is the list of redone laws:

- Falling from great heights will be scaled appropriately, with monsters taking 10% damage of their overall health when falling from heights of 1 mile and more. Of course, Adventurers and Guardians are affected too, taking 95% of their overall health in damage when falling over(for example, by a root or just tripping) and 110% damage when falling from heights greater than 1 foot.
- Related to the above, all fights will take place in fantastic tower cities, great spires, hanging bridges, magically floating apparatus and slowly dissipating clouds, etc. Rebuilding the entire landscape of Lore to match this will provide work for decades, solving the unemployment issue as well!
- All Adventurers will be positively charged, and monsters negatively charged, ensuring that no one will have to take more than one step to aggravate a monster or two!
- Crazy Friction Friday's, when for one Lore day, friction is disabled, providing fun for the entire world! This day is followed immediately by Salvaging Saturday and Rebuilding Sunday.
- To make battles more thrilling and choreographic, gravity will be set to 25% of what it currently is. To those however, who have complained of motion sickness caused by the too-fast battle movement, there will be an option to set gravity to 300%.
- To better simulate the passing of time on Lore, fights will trigger different levels of illumination depending on the time, with everything easily seen during the day and dimmer by the night. NOTE: As proper lunar movement is not currently implemented, it has two modes, On, when everything is 50% illuminated and Off, when everything is pitch black.
- The old shop system will be replaced by a barter system, finally giving Adventurers the option of buying and selling equipment from one another. The system will use voice chat for people to communicate between one another. NOTE: Voicechat is currently not planned for implementation, but it will be worked on right after the Museum.
- Depending how a battle between an Adventurer and a monster is going, the battle menu will move, act, change size and color accordingly. Guardians will enjoy fantastic one-liners and witty quips thrown by the menu during combat at excellent 8 kbs! NOTE: The voice does not currently come with an On/Off option, but we will implement it right after the new shop system.
- To simulate item wear, items will have a 5% chance to break in combat. You will then have to repair them using glue from a certain scaled-to-level monster, or for a meager price of 100 Z-Tokens. To fight inflation, items will also have a 2% chance to break completely.
- A crafting system has been finally implemented, but you can only create one item and carry one hilt, blade etc. at a time to your workshop(bought separately)! Oh, wait...
- Nerfcat and Nerfbat pets will finally nerf players as intended. Also, all pets can contract rabies from fighting certain monsters, resulting in them attacking you as well as enemies. WARNING: Due to deadline issues, all pets have rabies by default. We will fix this as soon as we can possibly bother.

Letters to the Editor:

"Dear Editor,

I'm trying to crush all the heathens and unite Paxia properly once and for good, but no one is taking me seriously. I don't think people get how seriously the heavens are in this matter. What should I do?

PS: Some kid stole my wallet. Is there a way I can report that?

Yours, the Caped ~~Crusader~~ Commander."

Dear Caped Commander,

we all had problems like these during our lives. That is the problems with heathens, they refuse to listen to the obvious and all-embracing truth that was given to us by the gods. Have you ever thought about attempting this whole thing in a more classical way? Start by stoning some unworthy pagans in public places, killing their pets and setting their houses on fire. You have to make sure that people notice that you mean business. If you send me 200 gold pieces and an empty postpaid package I'm even sending you some witches you can burn or drown. That always leaves an impression.

Sadly I cannot help you with getting your stolen wallet back, but I can give you an advice: Protect your next wallet with an exploding rune. That way the next kid that steals it will drop it very soon due to a sudden lack of arms. Just make sure you take it out of your pants before you wash them. I lost two washing machines that way.

Sincerely yours,

XXX
(executive editor)

Note: We here at the Charlatan do not approve stoning people, killing their pets and setting their houses on fire. We also do not approve burning or drowning witches and are not encouraging people to execute such acts of unneeded violence. We do send you witches on request though, we just have too many of them in our storage closet.

by Peregrine Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:13 pm

Issue 10

The most complex and unknown threat so far arrives to devastate Lore!
Thousands of Adventurers and Guardians throw their arms up in disgust and quit.

All of Lore shook and trembled early this week when a dimensional rift was torn open from an alternate Lore, and out poured an army of monsters so horrible even Epheel looked like a male model in comparison! They are the Gurunagi, led by the legendary Draelin wielding the even more legendary Evergreens! Hailing from a world where the Salaran never existed, the Innur began a battle for controlling the Rho's, until only the Tori remained to take control of the Lilirin!

Despite being told how important it was to find the well-known swordsman Maelo Stormwrath, the dimensional twin brother of Draelin, and reaffix the Cortex, none would have it. One after another, the Adventurers and Guardians who had bothered to gather left, utterly disgusted, most too upset to comment and several telling us to "go straight to K'eld for all I care". Finally one man bothered to comment on the situation.

"I remember the good old days, when it was just us and a guy called Zardmaster. Now, I don't even know who I am fighting for. Or why. I'm quitting this job for good and looking for one easier to understand, like nuclear physicist."

Read our summary on the history and characters involved at pages 3&4 and 6-67.

Knights of Order give XP values to Adventurers and Guardians out of a whim.
Accidentally trigger a wave of murder and backstabbing around Lore!

During one of their more leisure days, the Knights of Order had the time to announce that they had given every Adventurer and Guardian XP values based on their level and skill. They stated in their defense, that they never did see the massacre coming. Within five minutes of the announcement, 75% of those who had gathered were dead, killed in the following battle royale after everyone realized what the announcement meant, the remaining people wandering off to search for easier prey than each other.

If not for the fact that monsters and marauding armies are currently terrified of the roaming murder-bands of high level Adventurers and Guardians, Battleon would be easy prey with practically all of it's defense force either dead or out to kill each other. Death had to arrive and say that for once, he wasn't about to resurrect on his usual I-O-U policy and he'd be sending off everyone who arrived.

The Knights of Order commented that "while it is regrettable that this all happened, we unfortunately have more pressing issues right now to deal with, such as if thrown paper airplanes have too high a BTH and if DEX should be involved."

Scientists make a major breakthrough in their study on the moglins!
Discover that there is only one!

"It's incredible, what we thought was a race of magical creatures was actually a single entity, who has agreed that we refer to it and all of it's manifestations as Twilly."

The research on moglins begun as scientists began to wonder how a race as small as the moglins were able to have a lifespan of several hundred years, where as other similar sized creatures had a lifespan of only a few decades. The study brought together the best of all fields of science and took over a year to reach the shocking conclusion.

"From what we can understand, Twilly is an entity that has much more abilities than just the magic we've seen the moglins- I'm sorry, the manifestations of Twilly display. We've confirmed that the entity possesses the ability to travel in time, treating it as one line that it can travel back and forth as it wants. Twilly has yet to tell us why it does these things, but we're getting there."

"There's still so much we can learn from it, besides what we've managed to compile and confirm on it's most common acts among us. Of course we're talking about talking with cheerful tone, helping the wounded by it's magic, it's inability to display other facial expressions than smile, knowing everything from the beginning to the end of time and watching people as they sleep."

Igneus almost back to it's feet.
The Sacchi immediately resorts to corruption and bribery to celebrate.

The Charlatan was surprised to find an invitation on their doorstep(mostly because we keep our location a secret due to all the enemies we have), and what an invitation it was! The Sacchi, the man who single-handedly took charge of Igneus just recently, was holding a party and we were invited!

All we had to do, was "correct" a few things previously written. Of course, we were outraged! To think, that the Sacchi has stooped so low already, having to resort to fancy parties, exotic food and prime entertainment to get what they want out of people!

In case you wonder, the party was absolutely wonderful, the food and drinks exquisite and the danceshow was the best we've ever seen. We wish you were important enough to have been invited there.

Check page 2 for the wild afterparty pctures! You won't believe what the Sacchi has on(and what he does NOT have on)!

With Spring on it's way, Glacius is getting ready for their yearly rituals!
Prepare for late tax refunds and arrest orders.

The frigid lands of Glacius are slowly warming up for a brief moment in the year, for just three months their inhospitable island becomes possible to travel through and the yearly migration of mailmen soon swarm their shores as they begin their long trek inland to deliver their mail, have a hot cocoa and leave for more sensible delivery areas.

"It's really a pain." comments one Glacian member.

"Every single year we get a nice letter from the Guardian Order calling us in for tax fraud. How are we supposed to do anything about it, the tax declaration is always late!"

The unfortunate situation affects every niche of the clan, including the department of war.

"It's really hard to command your troops when orders sometimes take 9 months to reach them. Just at the end of last Spring, our frontlines at the mainland told that they were about to get overwhelmed by the enemy. We finally got to mail them the order to retreat, they didn't send us a letter this Spring so we're sure they're fine."

Read this too and more at page 5!

He came to Battleon to help, but the people just laughed at him. Now a depressed alcoholic, we are here to tell you his story.

Read all you'd ever want to know about Vampireslayer P.

Letters to the Editor:

"Dear Editor

Recently I started to investigate the unjust attacks on our clan, and wouldn't you know it, just like always, the clues led me straight to Dynami. Unannounced attacks, leaving without a trace, utterly devastating us with no warning? All Dynami signs of activity.

So I knocked one of their members out, stuffed her body in a bag and snuck into their base while disguised.

I have to admit that their ability to keep their whole war a secret is admirable, no one didn't say anything careless about it, but I knew better! These people aren't unrelated, they're a part of it!

So I knocked one of their members out and stuffed him in the bag too.

Soon though I hit the jackpot. A poster calling everyone for a "crazy dance party". But I knew better! You see, Dynami have their own secret language, done all by dance! All over I saw it being used, right under everyone's noses the Dynami had always been talking about who their next target should be! Here's some of what I've managed to translate:

Step forth: Hello.
Step to the right: Hi.
Step to the Left: We should crush Glacius.
Step back while confused about the bag I hold: No, we should kill all Lucians instead.

So I knocked one of their members out and stuffed him in the bag too.

How dare they attack without telling!? It's horrible!
It's a good thing a master of disguise like myself got out of there alive, but now, I'm lost.
What should I do with the bag?

Yours, Concerned Paxian

Dear Concerned Paxian,

as I can clearly see from your elaborate story, the bag you are talking about is a metaphor. Every single one of us is carrying a load, or bag as you call it, each and every day. Going through life we stuff it full with our problems and concerns and stupid letters from stupid people and it becomes heavier and heavier each day until you just wish that every single one of them was dead.

My grandma once told me that life is like a box of chocolates, it’s really expensive and you get diarrhea from eating it. In the good old days, everything was better. Back then your enemies weren’t hiding like sissies behind words and deceit, no, they openly taunted you and gave you a nice target to aim your rage at. Nowadays everyone is hiding inside their secret forums, plotting your demise behind your back and then laugh and call you a liar when you find out about it. I can hear them right now, pointing their fingers and laughing with their unnerving, high-pitched voices. One day, one day I will put an end to this. I will kill them all, every single one of them, and then I’ll be the one laughing. The only one.

But I digress. To answer your question, in my opinion the best armor out there is still the Golden Plate. Nothing can beat those defenses. Be sure to buy one as soon as possible.

Sincerely yours,

XXX
(executive editor)

P.S. Do you need some witches?

by Peregrine Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:02 pm

On hiatus!

The Knights of Order seize The Charlatan offices!
Claim our reporting requires adjusting.

The damage done by the satirical remarks and comedic quips launched from here have not failed to hit their mark once, a spokesman of the criminal organization has been quoted as saying. And that's unbalanced, she added.

After we're done, don't worry, they'll have a 80% chance to miss the target and 20% chance to do half their intended damage.

by Peregrine Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:35 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters - Page 2 2rx7inl

Last time, on The Tales of TR.

Icewolfking: Chillin'.

And now, for the thrilling continuation.

The scene opens up to a shady section of the forest surrounding TR City on TR Island. The trees here form a ring around an enclave, making it an ideal location for suspicious meetings. A single figure is standing in the center, hooded and cloaked. She remains absolutely still, despite the rustling in the nearby tall grass and the hooting of an owl as it passes overhead. Soon, her reason for being here is made clear, as a second figure, also hooded and cloaked, but carrying a briefcase exits the brush.

Juliana: Do you have them?
The Big Bad: I do.

The Big Bad unlocks the briefcase and shows her its contents for inspection. Inside is nestled a single power generator.

The Big Bad: My engineers tell me this should provide enough power.
Juliana: And the other items I requested?
The Big Bad: Of course.

The Big Bad reaches beneath his cloak and procures an unsealed white envelope.

The Big Bad: Half the money I promised you, plus a security card that will get you into the lab.
Juliana: And the OTHER item I requested?
The Big Bad: Impatient, aren't we?
Juliana: Lacking faith in you is a better description.
The Big Bad: Excuse me?
Juliana: How many times have you tried to destroy TR, only to be foiled by Vamp, who despite consistently one upping you, does not actually understand what is happening around him most of the time?
The Big Bad: Errrr...

The Big Bad thinks for a moment.

The Big Bad: This'll be the fifth.
Juliana: Do you have the other item I requested or not?
The Big Bad: Yes, here.

The Big Bad passes Juliana a flash drive.

Juliana: And it's been tested right?
The Big Bad: My engineers assure me it'll work.
Juliana: So it hasn't been tested.
The Big Bad: It has.

Juliana stares down The Big Bad.

The Big Bad: In simulations.
Juliana: I'll let you know when the job is done. However it ends up getting done.
The Big Bad: Excellent, I'll be as far away as possible.

The two begin to walk in opposite directions, before Juliana calls out to The Big Bad.

Juliana: Before you go, as an act of good faith between business partners I have information for you.
The Big Bad: Oh?
Juliana: Mathia's location has been compromised. Two of TR's external affairs agents are closing in on him now.
The Big Bad: I see, thank you for telling me. Mathia has been a bit of a weak link lately. I'll be sure to have him removed.

The two part ways. The forest is quiet for the rest of the night. Before long, the night passes, and the morning yields a beautiful summer day. People from all over TR Island are sunbathing. TR City is now complete, and has become a thriving metropolis of one thousand people, which isn't really all that much of a metropolis, but still. Under Ryzaa's command, the city has flourished. There are many streets and buildings, but still enough nature to make the scene beautiful. A clear shield now envelopes it, protecting it from any natural disasters. Cars are not permitted past the parking lot, and the city has many high tech plants that keep it 100% free of pollution.

The prime of TR City however, is TR Tower, a thirty floor tubular skyscraper made entirely of glass. Juliana enters it through its double glass doors. She walks across the glossy floor, passes the coffee shop, gift store and reception desk, climbs the spiraling staircase to the second floor, passes the chief of security's hexagonal office, and eventually reaches the elevator, where she is greeted by a second woman.

Winnie: Did your friend come through?

Juliana motions towards the briefcase in her hand.

Winnie: Great. Are we doing it now?
Juliana: We are if the security card works.

The duo enters the elevator. A panel of thirty buttons is on the wall. Initially, the buttons had been able to be pressed by anyone, but after tourists started interrupting conferences trying to get pictures with Ryzaa, it was changed so that only people with proper security clearance could get to floors they were supposed to be on. Now, only the button for the second floor was green, and the rest were red. Juliana passes the security card The Big Bad had given her over the censor, and all the lights turn green.

Meanwhile, Dake, the engineering manager of TR is tinkering in his workshop, a mess of gizmos, gadgets and tables that makes up the entire twenty-second floor of the thirty floor clear glass TR Tower. He is attempting to create a robotic frog that hunts flies in order to increase the quality and safety of local restaurants, despite them already having a 100% quality rating due to Ryzaa's seemingly unlimited competence. The elevator chimes and the two women enter. Dake looks up at them.

Dake: Oh hey, Juli, Winnie. I didn't know anyone outside the board and security had clearance to be in here.
Juliana: They don't. Ryzaa sent me, he wants a status report on getting Vamp back.
Dake: Who?
Juliana: You don't know who Vamp is?
Dake: Doesn't ring any bells.
Juliana: Wavy red hair?
Dake: OH.

Dake's face lights up with recognition, before resuming its original expression.

Dake: Nope, sorry.
Juliana: Leafeon?
Dake: Hmmm...
Juliana: Golden throne?
Dake: Cial?
Juliana: Lunch breaks?
Dake: Oh yes, of course. Vamp. Silly me.
Juliana: So how's it coming?
Dake: Secretly, not at all. I really hated Vamp. Anyway, I'm gonna go back to my frog n-

Dake is interrupted by being hit over the head by Juliana.

Winnie: Whoa. Don't we need him?
Juliana: He would have been helpful, but we don't need him.

Juliana passes Winnie the flash drive.

Juliana: Plug this into Dake's primary computer terminal to get complete control of all systems while I go and install this generator to give us enough power to open a portal.

From the ground, Dake weakly dials his blackberry.

*meanwhile, in Flaw's office*

Flaw of Insanity, TR's head of security had been in his office the whole morning listening to Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2, Weena and Whiskers explain the disaster that had cost Alderos his life.

Weena: In all honesty I had no idea there was a giant sandworm in the cave.
Whiskers: Purrrr.
Security Officer #1: We really should get a sign up about the giant sandworm sir. That's the fifth time it's eaten Alderos. This week.

The security force's meeting is interrupted by the ringing of Flaw of Insanity's blackberry.

Flaw of Insanity: This is Flaw. Talk to me.
Dake: Flaw... Winnie and Juli... are trying to free... Vamp.
Flaw of Insanity: Say again Dake? It sounded like you said "Vamp".
Dake: I... I did.

Flaw of Insanity hangs up, throws down his blackberry, and throws on a bullet proof vest in the absolute coolest way possible.

Flaw of Insanity: IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY BOYS.
Security Officer #2: LOCK AND LOAD YOUR WEAPONS.

The security team gets tactical and dashes out of the office, riding the elevator to the twenty-second floor where Dake's workshop is. By the time they get there, Winnie and Juliana have already opened a portal. The two are dimension surfing.

Winnie: Hey look, Doctor Who is on in dimension #49.
Juliana: Winnie, focus on Vamp.
Winnie: Oh right, sorry.

The two continue to scroll through the dimension listings.

Winnie: Hey look, a marathon of The Big Bang Theory in dimension #52.
Juliana: Oh cool, let's wat- hey, stop that, we're looking for Vamp.
Flaw of Insanity: AND YOU'VE FOUND MORE THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR.

GASP.

Juliana *as an aside to Winnie*: Keep looking for Vamp, I'll distract the security team.
Weena: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTINUE TALKING.
Security Officer #1: EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP OR SOMETHING.
Juliana: You guys aren't exactly professionals at this.
Flaw of Insanity: We don't take prisoners very often.
Juliana: Well, we surrender.
Security Officer #2: Good, because Ryzaa cut the military funding. We can't actually afford bullets.
Whiskers: Meow!
Juliana: So, let's have a seat at this table then and discuss the terms of my surrender. Shall we?
Weena: Terms?

Juliana takes out her company blackberry and calls Robaldo.

Juliana: If you'd be so kind Robaldo, we need some refreshments on floor twenty-two for a meeting.
Robaldo: I'll be right up. Do you guys want TR Ale or TR Ale Classic?
Juliana: Is the new TR Ale an improvement?
Robaldo: I don't know, I didn't want to try it.
Winnie: Hey Juli, I found him!

The open portal is now displaying a picture of Vamparagon and his Leafeon. Vamparagon is wandering around talking to himself.

Security Officer #2: THE SURRENDER WAS JUST A DISTRACTION.
Flaw of Insanity: WE'VE BEEN HAD BOYS.

Vamparagon remains completely oblivious to the portal and wanders through it entirely by accident, ending up back in our dimension. His Leafeon follows suit. He is extremely startled once he arrives there, but recovers quickly.

Vamparagon: DAKE, I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING YOU'D COME FOR ME.
Winnie: Actually, Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: FLAW OLD BUDDY, I KNEW YOU WERE JUST JOKING WHEN YOU LET ME DIE.
Winnie: Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: OH SECURITY OFFICER #1, I THOUGHT OF YOU EVERY DAY I WAS GONE.
Winnie: Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: SECURITY OFFICER #2, YOU NONDESCRIPT CLEMENTINE YOU.
Winnie: Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: HELLO KITTY, I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT I LOVE YOU ALL THE SAME.
Winnie: Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: And hello Weena.
Winnie: Juli and I brought you back.
Vamparagon: Anyway, let's get down to business. First thing's first, I want a medical examination. You never know what horrible flesh eating diseases you might have.

*later, in the infirmary*

Draktand: You're perfectly healthy.
Vamparagon: Are you sure? What if I have a flesh eating disease?
Draktand: You'd notice if you had one of those.
Vamparagon: I saw a microbe the size of a hamster while I was over there.
Draktand: You saw a MICROBE the size of a hamster?
Vamparagon: Yes, it was green and scaly, had big teeth and a tail.
Draktand: That was a zard, Vamp.
Vamparagon: How do you know?
Draktand: Because I'm a doctor. Knowing the difference between a zard and a microbe is a prerequisite.
Vamparagon: Oh.

There is a pause.

Vamparagon: I want to interview the current board of directors, starting with Peregrine.
Draktand: Peregrine's off arresting Mathia with Sparda.
Vamparagon: ...Really?
Draktand: Yes.
Vamparagon: That sounds pretty competent actually. I'm glad some things changed for the better while I was gone. In that case, I'd like to know who else is on the board.
Draktand: Ryzaa, Ragegamer, Chamberino, Charon, Cial, Dake, Kaotic, Shadow, Sticky, wwwtoy and Xusha.
Vamparagon: Okay, I'll start with Ryzaa and work my way down, skipping Dake since he proved his worth.
Draktand: Vamp, a lot has changed since you were gone.
Vamparagon: What do you mean?
Draktand: Have you noticed anything different about the place?

Vamparagon looks around.

Vamparagon: You guys installed way too many windows?
Draktand: Look outside the windows.

Vamparagon looks outside to see the shield dome, plasma walls, rail gun emplacements, forest and metropolis.

Vamparagon: Wow, you guys really screwed up the blueprint.
Draktand: This isn't TR Castle Vamp, it's TR Tower.
Vamparagon: What?
Draktand: We built ourselves a new home, on a new island.
Vamparagon: On whose authority?
Draktand: Our new emperor's, Ryzaa's.
Vamparagon: I want to commence my interviews immediately.
Draktand: Vamp, what I was getting at is that you're not in charge anymore. You can't interview people.
Vamparagon: Can so.
Draktand: Can not.
Vamparagon: Can so.
Draktand: I'm not doing this with you.
Vamparagon: Victory by forfeit!

Draktand gives up and organizes the first interview, hoping Ryzaa can talk some sense into Vamp. Later, Vamparagon is seated in Ryzaa's conference room chair, stuffing his face with snacks from the snack counter. Ryzaa is seated opposite from him. Flaw of Insanity and Security Officer #2 are positioned at the elevator, "in case Ryzaa makes a break for it" as Vamp put it.

Vamparagon: Name.
Ryzaa: Vamp, you know my name.
Vamparagon: Is that right?
Ryzaa: Yes. Yes it is.
Vamparagon: Okay, I'll play along for now... Ryzaa. But let's not forget who's asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: I didn't ask any questions.
Vamparagon: Your plea of innocence is guilty of wasting my time.
Ryzaa: Flaw, did I ask any questions?
Flaw of Insanity: Sorry sir, that information is classified
Vamparagon: This is a great conference room by the way, these snacks are delicious.
Ryzaa: Yes, I quite enjoy the atmosphere we've created here in the company. TR Island really provided an opportunity for us to have a fresh perspective, agend-
Vamparagon: Slow down, we have artificial atmosphere here?
Ryzaa: That's not what I mean-
Vamparagon: THIS IS A SPACE STATION ISN'T IT.
Ryzaa: No.
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: Vamp, I-
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: I hate you.
Vamparagon: Let's take a look at your performance report.

Vamparagon looks around.

Vamparagon: Is there an LCD projector and a mac anywhere nearby?
Flaw of Insanity: MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.

The lights in the conference room dim. From the ceiling, a huge LED flat screen monitor slides out. At the head of the conference room table where Vamparagon is sitting, a portion of the table flips over to reveal a MacBook Pro. Vamparagon is completely awed.

Vamparagon: THAT WAS THE GREATEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
Ryzaa: We only have the best technology here.
Vamparagon: SEVENTEEN INCH SCREEN OH MY GOD YES.
Ryzaa: Glad you like my computer.
Vamparagon: I want three.
Ryzaa: That can be arr-
Vamparagon: Hundred.
Ryzaa: Uhhh...
Vamparagon: Million.
Ryzaa: Right.
Vamparagon: Enough talk, let us view profit trends from when I left to today.

The screen switches to profit reports per voice command, leaving Vamp slightly more awed.

Vamparagon: Okay, I have to admit, this is the greatest thing ever. Anyway.

Vamparagon points a laser pointer at the graph. It starts off in the negatives, and then on the day Ryzaa took over it skyrockets up into the billions per day.

Vamparagon: As we can see up here, profits began at the top as being billions per day, and then decreased exponentially into the negatives.
Ryzaa: That's not how the graph is read.
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: Flaw, is that how the graph is read?
Flaw of Insanity: Sorry sir, that information is on a need to know basis.
Ryzaa: I need to know.
Flaw of Insanity: But I don't, so I can't tell you.
Ryzaa: Does Whiskers know?
Flaw of Insanity: Yes, but Whiskers is away on a mission now.
Ryzaa: Where?
Flaw of Insanity: Sorry sir, that information is classified.

*meanwhile*

Shadow is pacing back and forth in a hallway grumbling about "stupid Vamp and his stupid interview". Whiskers brushes up against his leg with a toy mouse in her mouth.

Shadow: Oh, it's you.
Whiskers: Purrrr.
Shadow: I'm still mad at you for tearing up my paper towel.
Whiskers: *sad eyes*
Shadow: Stop that.
Whiskers: *sadder eyes*
Shadow: Fine, I'll play with you. Just... Don't tell anyone.

*meanwhile*

Ryzaa: Flaw, sometimes you are the best person ever, but sometimes you are also the worst.
Flaw of Insanity: Just doing my job sir.
Vamparagon: So Ryzaa, any questions about this interview so far?
Ryzaa: Do you have anything that isn't stupid to show me?
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: You've got to be kidding me.
Vamparagon: Sorry Ryzaa, but that's the fifth strike, and as per the rules of baseball, you are fired.
Ryzaa: Flaw, doesn't baseball have three strikes?
Flaw of Insanity: Sorry sir, that information is classified.
Vamparagon: Anyway, as the emperor has fallen... Dibs.
Ryzaa: You know what? I don't even care anymore. I'll just be head of security again.
Flaw of Insanity: I'm head of security.
Ryzaa: Come on Flaw, can't I just have my old job back?
Flaw of Insanity: I'm head of security.
Ryzaa: This is about the time I shot you, isn't it?
Flaw of Insanity: Actually yes, I still can't believe you shot me.
Ryzaa: Fine, can I be second in command of security?
Flaw of Insanity: Whiskers is second in command of security.
Security Officer #2: I thought I was second in command of security.
Flaw of Insanity: I don't even know your name.
Security Officer #2: It's Security Officer #2.
Ryzaa: Vamp, can I have a job somewhere?
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ryzaa: What's wrong with you Vamp?

Vamparagon suddenly slams his fists on the table.

Vamparagon: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I'VE BEEN PLOTTING YOUR DESTRUCTION.
Ryzaa: ...Two hours?
Vamparagon: Who told you?
Ryzaa: That's just how long you've been back.
Vamparagon: GET THIS SCUM OUT OF MY FACE. Oh, and send in the next one while you're at it.

Security Officer #2 escorts Ryzaa out, while Flaw of Insanity escorts Ragegamer in.

Vamparagon: You are Ragegamer of the board of directors?
Ragegamer: I am.
Vamparagon: What do you do around here?
Ragegamer: I was the head of being important during your reign, and became second-in-command and the paperwork person after Leafeon was sucked into the alternate dimension with you.
Vamparagon: Okay, that'll be all. You won’t be second-in-command anymore, but you can continue to be the head of being important.

Ragegamer is surprised.

Ragegamer: That's all?
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Ragegamer: Right, sorry Vamp. I'll be going immediately.
Vamparagon: Good man. Flaw, send in the next one.

Ragegamer leaves on his own accord. Flaw of Insanity brings Chamberino into the room.

Chamberino: Welcome back, Vamp.
Vamparagon: Oh why thank you, Chamb.
Chamberino: How's being back treating you? I'm sure it's quite a lot to take in.
Vamparagon: Well, things will be under control soon enough.
Chamberino: Are you the emperor again?
Vamparagon: Yes, Ryzaa turned power over willingly.
Chamberino: Ah, well then welcome back to your company as well.
Vamparagon: Thank you. So... You manage Ryzaa's environmentalism movements?
Chamberino: That's correct, although I'm eager to get back to being the department head of odd smelling items.
Vamparagon: Now there's an attitude. You're hired.
Chamberino: Ah, thank you Vamp.
Vamparagon: Send in the next one.

Chamberino takes the elevator down relieved, and meets Ragegamer and Charon on the second floor where all the board members are waiting for their turn.

Chamberino: That was easy.
Ragegamer: Mine went really smooth too. Ryzaa looked flustered though, like he'd just come out of an interrogation.
Charon: Do you think I'll be okay?
Chamberino: Sure, just butter him up like I did and you'll do fine.
Charon: What should I lead with?
Chamberino: I said "welcome back, Vamp."
Ragegamer: Relax Charon, Vamp liked you, you'll be fine.
Charon: Okay, here it goes.

Charon rides the elevator to the conference room. The door opens a-

Vamparagon: You're fired.
Charon: W-w-what?
Vamparagon: You're fired.
Charon: Why?
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.

Security Officer #2 escorts Charon out of the building. The board members watch solemnly as their friend is tossed unceremoniously from the tower.

Cial: There's no way I'm going next.
Chamberino: That's too bad. We're going in alphabetical order. Starting with RY, then going to RA, then CH, then CI, and then XU is after you.

There is a moment of silence.

Chamberino: Wait... What?
Cial: Okay... I'M GOING IN.

Cial rides the elevator to the top floor and walks into the conference room. He sits down in the chair opposite Vamparagon like Ryzaa, Ragegamer and Chamberino had, and like Charon would have had he made it that far.

Vamparagon: You are Cial?

Cial suddenly comes up with a brilliant idea. He remains absolutely silent.

Vamparagon: Well?
Vamparagon: Cial?
Vamparagon: Guess what Cial?
Vamparagon: Chicken butt.
Vamparagon: ...
Vamparagon: ...
Vamparagon: ...
Vamparagon: ...Anyway, minor character role insurance isn't something we stand for at TR, so you'll be taking your old job back... Any questions?
Vamparagon: Okay... Uhhh... Send in the next one?

Cial leaves silently and of his own accord, much to his delight. Xusha is the next one in.

Vamparagon: Ah yes, Xusha was it?
Xusha: Yes.
Vamparagon: The Russian?
Xusha: Да.
Vamparagon: I'll assume that means no. Tell me a bit about what you did when I was in charge.
Xusha: I was the head of paint brushing, although secretly I was working with a shadowy antagonist to bring about the downfall of TR.
Vamparagon: And are you still doing that?
Xusha: No. Now I'm the production manager.
Vamparagon: I was referring to the downfall of TR part.
Xusha: Oh. Да.
Vamparagon: Perfect, that's all I needed to hear. Send in the next one.

Xusha leaves. Kaotic, Shadow, Sticky, wwwtoy and Walt enter together.

Vamparagon: I said next one. Not next three or however many of you there are.

wwwtoy throws Walt onto the table and the four stand there with their arms crossed.

Vamparagon: Hey Walt.
Walt: I'm a letter of resignation!
Vamparagon: CURSE YOU WALT.
Shadow: I'm sorry Vamp, we're all quitting.
Vamparagon: And why is that?
Kaotic: I for one was willing to give you a chance but seeing what you did to Charon made me realize you don't deserve one.
Sticky: Charon was a good man, he didn't deserve to be fired.
Vamparagon: Neither did Sepulchure00, but that didn't stop me from firing him.
wwwtoy: You fired Seppy too?
Vamparagon: I'm asking the questions here.
Shadow: Anyway, we were all great friends with Charon and we wont stand for this injustice.

*flashback*

Shadow: Hey Charon, can you hold this for me?
Charon: Sure.

*/flashback*

*flashback*

Kaotic: Hey Charon, do you have the time?
Charon: 3:56.
Kaotic: AM or PM?
Charon: PM.

*/flashback*

*flashback*

Sticky: Hey Charon, you wanna grab some lunch?
Charon: Sure.

*/flashback*

*flashback*

wwwtoy: Hey Charon.
Charon: Hey. Need me for something?
wwwtoy: Nah, Walt's got everything covered.
Walt: Hey Charon.
Charon: Hey Walt.

*/flashback*

Kaotic: Oh the zangy adventures we had with Charon over the years.
Sticky: Hey do you guys remember that one time with Charon?

*flashback*

Sticky: Hey Charon, can you pass me that screwdriver?
Charon: Sure.

*/flashback*

Shadow: Charon, you fabulous son of a gun. I'm gonna miss working with that man.
Vamparagon: What if I got a new Charon?
Kaotic: A new Charon?
Vamparagon: Yeah... Walt, your name is now Walton.
Walton: Okay.
Kaotic: Hey Walton, do you have the time?
Walton: It's 2:35.
Kaotic: It's just not the same.
Sticky: Charon would have said "3:56".
Shadow: Sorry Vamp, we're still leaving.

The five give Vamparagon their best and leave the conference room and TR. Vamparagon is left sitting there spinning in his chair with Flaw of Insanity and Security Officer #2 at the door.

Flaw of Insanity: You okay Vamp?
Vamparagon: Yeah, I just miss Ice.
Flaw of Insanity: Oh, I thought maybe you were sad that five members of your board of directors walked out on you.
Vamparagon: Hey, can you guys call for Ice?
Flaw of Insanity: Ice is away on vacation in Florida.

*meanwhile, in Florida*

Crystal Lion: Ice? I wasn't expecting to see you here. What are you doing?
Icewolfking: Working on my tan.
Crystal Lion: Oh.
Icewolfking: What?
Crystal Lion: I don't know, I just thought maybe you'd be chillin'.
Icewolfking: In Florida?

*meanwhile, back in Dake's lab*

It is now nighttime, with Vamparagon's first day back as emperor coming to a close. Cial and Dake are discussing Cial's interview within the confines of Dake's lab.

Cial: So then I just walked out.
Dake: I can't believe that actually worked.
Cial: Yeah, tell me about it. How many people have we lost since he got back?
Dake: I think we're at eight.
Cial: That's crazy.
Dake: Everyone was expecting you to be the first to go, along with Peregrine, but apparently you both passed, Peregrine without an interview.
Cial: Where is Peregrine anyway?
Dake: External affairs business.
Cial: Wasn't his department dissolved?
Dake: Yeah, he's not gonna be happy that he lost his department. He really enjoyed flashing that badge.

A fizzle resounds in the lab, causing both Dake and Cial to glance over to the portal. Cocoa stares back at them, now in this dimension.

Dake: OH GOD WE FORGOT TO CLOSE THE PORTAL.
Cial: CAN YOU CONTAIN IT?
Dake: YES THERE'S A FAILSAFE.

Dake flips some buttons. A yellow zig zaggy beam shoots at Cocoa but swerves and hits Cial. Cial is turned into a duck.

Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK.

Dake panics and starts glancing around for any nearby cell phones that may have caused the duckmorph-o-ray to malfunction. He notes a flash drive in his main computer terminal.

Dake: This is bad.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK
Dake: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK FOR A MINUTE.

Cocoa charges out the window, smashes it and leaps down twenty-two floors to the ground. She is followed by a steady stream of hundreds of baby zards with wavy red hair.

Dake: COME ON GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE.
Female Voice: Portal overload imminent.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK
Dake: I AM TRYING.

Cial walks over to the window with his new flippers and gazes outside. TR City is in total chaos. Plasma rail guns are exchanging fire with baby zards. The once beautiful forest and city are both now on fire, and smoke is rising up from several floors of TR Tower as well. The bridge leading out of the city is clogged with evacuating employees and baby zards.

Cial: Quack.

To be continued...

by Peregrine Sat Jul 09, 2011 4:06 am

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters - Page 2 241m8vl

The scene opens up to a once utopian island. Now it is in flames, with zards slowly overcoming its defences. From amidst the chaos and carnage, four TR security officers and a cat are cutting their way through the storm of zards to the bridge with claw and unconventional melee weapon. Following them are a horde of panicked employees. The group pushes through to the end of the bridge and the security officers set up a barricade to hold the line.

Flaw of Insanity: WEENA, GET ME A LINE ON THOSE GUNNERS NOW.
Weena: YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?
Security Officer #1: WE'RE GONNA NEED DAKE'S HELP.
Security Officer #2: DAKE'S NOT HERE.
Flaw of Insanity: DARN IT, THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER PERSON WHO CAN HELP, AND HE'S NOT ANYWHERE NEAR HERE... WHISKERS, YOU'RE IN COMMAND.

Flaw of Insanity charges off into the night. Security Officer #1, Security Officer #2 and Weena look expectantly at Whiskers.

Weena: Do you have any orders kitty?
Whiskers: Meow.
Security Officer #1: YES SIR.
Security Officer #2: REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING MEN.

*meanwhile*

Dake: Oh this is bad.

Dake and the newly transformed into a duck Cial are in Dake's lab. Dake is frantically attempting to stop the portal from overloading. If he is not successful, their dimension and Vamparagon's dimension will collide, destroying both and tearing a hole in the fabric of space time. Or something along those lines. I'm not really a physicist.

Female Voice: 15 minutes and thirty seconds until portal overload.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK.
Dake: Relax Cial, I've got enough time to fix it.
Female Voice: 30 seconds until portal overload.
Dake: THAT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE TO FIFTEEN MINUTES.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK.

Dake frantically presses buttons on his laptop. He miraculously manages to close the portal with one second to spare.

Dake: Oh thank God.
Cial: Quack quack.
Dake: You know, we almost destroyed the entire omniverse there.
Cial: Quack quack quack.
Dake: Yeah, it's good that didn't happen.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: I sure wish someone would destroy the entire omniverse right about now.
Ragegamer: Why's that?
Vamparagon: No reason. Just thinking out loud.

Being covered by the confusion caused by the attack, Vamparagon, Ragegamer, Chamberino and Xusha are making a daring escape across the harbour in Peregrine's speedboat after hotwiring it.

Chamberino: So Vamp, is there a plan for taking TR back?
Vamparagon: Yes, here's the plan. First, we're going to rebuild TR Castle. Then I'm going to hire new members for the board of directors. Then we're going to have a conference in the brand new conference room with the new directors.
Ragegamer: What about Cocoa and your children?
Vamparagon: I'm sure that problem will fix itself.
Ragegamer: And if it doesn't, then what?
Vamparagon: Then we fly to Antarctica. Zards freeze in Antarctica.
Ragegamer: So do humans.
Vamparagon: We'll wear sweater vests, like Chamb does.
Chamberino: I've known ever since I joined TR that wearing sweater vests would save my life somehow.
Ragegamer: Xusha, what do you make of all this?
Xusha: WHAT?
Ragegamer: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PLAN?
Xusha: SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE ENGINE.

*meanwhile*

Two people are standing in front of a warehouse. As it is with most generic warehouses, it is run down, with paint peeling off the walls, boarded up broken windows and a really crappy wooden door. Immediately behind the warehouse is a harbour. Trash blows along the waterfront, which is also pretty run down. The only not run down thing in this generic run down part of town is a stylish midnight black Acura RL parked in front of the warehouse at an angle, which probably belongs to the only two people in the area.

Peregrine: You sure this is the place?
Sparda: Yeah.
Peregrine: Read that address to me again.
Sparda: "The generic warehouse on the generic run down dock."
Peregrine: This is definitely it then.

The duo proceeds to walk up to the front door. An evidently homeless man in a cardboard box blocks their path.

Peregrine: Hey evidently homeless man, get out of the way.
???: Y'aint no fairies I ever heard of.
Sparda: Great, he's an evidently drunk homeless man.

Surely enough, the homeless man reeks of booze, and peering in, the two can make out several discarded bottles of liquor inside his box.

Peregrine: Truly, this is a generic setting if ever there were one.
???: You wouldn't know a generic setting if I slapped you with one Eregrine!
Peregrine: Wait a minute, who are you?
???: The man Vamp took everything from.
Peregrine: Does that include your name?
???: No.
Peregrine: Then how about telling me what your name is before I throw you into the harbour?
???: Don't you recognize me?

Peregrine gives the evidently drunk homeless man a hard stare and analyzes his features. They are very dirty and the man has a large amount of facial hair.

Peregrine: No, I don't recognize you.
???: It's me-

Pause for dramatic effect.

???: ERIK.
Peregrine: Oh.
Sparda: Huh.
Erik: Yes it is I, or what's left of me. A ruined man who lost his way after the-

Erik stops, realizing Peregrine and Sparda had already lost interest and entered the warehouse.

Erik: HEY! COME BACK! I've been working on that monologue since chapter four.
Narrator: I'm still here.
Erik: Yeah, but it's just not the same talking to you.

Erik gets up and runs into the warehouse after Peregrine and Sparda. The only thing in the warehouse other than bland and generic is a desk with a man sitting at it. The man is typing on a computer. A PC to be specific.

Peregrine: Mathia, just like the anonymous tip-off told us. You are under arrest.
Mathia: Wha- Peregrine? How did you find my evil lair!
Sparda: You mean "generic warehouse".
Mathia: No, I mean-
Erik: Hey Mathia.
Mathia: Erik? What's with the beard?

A loud crash is heard.

Sparda: What was that?
Peregrine: It came from outside.
Erik: Maybe it was a wave?
Mathia: NO. NOOO. PLEASE MASTER. PLEASE. I TRIED MY BEST.
Peregrine: What's the matter with you?

A huge dent suddenly is formed on the opposite side of the warehouse by something extremely powerful.

Mathia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Sparda: Mathia, what is behind that wall?

The dent grows larger.

Peregrine: Grab Mathia. We're getting out of here.

Mathia suddenly grabs Peregrine roughly by the collar.

Peregrine: Stop tha-
Mathia: BEWARE.
Peregrine: Beware what?

The sound of the dent growing larger suddenly cuts Mathia off.

Mathia: BEWARE ITS WEBS.

The wall opposite the four explodes and reveals a beast that wandered the world in a time before time. An enormous blob composed of grime and filth. It has a narrow tail and it has a bloated body.

Mathia: NO, NOT NGETHAC. MASTER, MASTER I TRIED.

Mathia is cut off by ITS WEBS as they are shot from the beast and envelop him. The group stands in shock for a few minutes before I finally take pity on them and snap them out of it.

Narrator: Run.

The group takes my advice and races out the door to Peregrine's parked Acura RL. Peregrine revs it up, u-turns and begins speeding away from the warehouse. Ngethac devourers Mathia's prone form and then tears through the next wall, turning the generic warehouse into a generic pile of what's left of a warehouse. Peregrine pushes his sedan to the limit as Ngethac chases after them, in a mix between a bounce and a roll.

Peregrine: SPARDA, OPEN THE SUNROOF.
Stereo: THE NIGHT IS BECKONING.
Sparda: WHY?
Stereo: ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO BUT HOME, FEELS GOOD TO BE ALONE.
Peregrine: JUST DO IT.
Stereo: WITH EVERY TURN COMES A NEW FRAME OF MIND.

Sparda opens the sunroof.

Sparda: NOW WHAT?
Stereo: IF I COULD FRAME MY MIND
Peregrine: NOW WE LOOK EVEN COOLER.
Stereo: WHERE WOULD IT HANG?
Erik: FLAW WOULD BE PROUD.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
10G - How Flaw Would Have Done it

Stereo: MY PILE SHAKES, AS I HIT 80' ON THE OPEN ROAD.
Sparda: IF WE SURVIVE THIS, I WANT A RAISE.

*meanwhile*

Flaw of Insanity hacks through a dense jungle with a machete. Eventually, he reaches a shack surrounded by swamp, connected to land only by a bridge. He crosses the bridge and knocks on the door of the shack, hoping beyond hope the man he is looking for is still here. A man who helped defeat Cocoa once, and will be needed to do it again. The door opens.

Darre: Yes?
Flaw of Insanity: Cocoa's back.
Darre: And you want a retired general's help with a permanent solution?
Flaw of Insanity: I know Ryzaa's disbanded the army and you wont have any of your brothers to back you up, but I was thinking-
Darre: Flaw, he who stands with me shall be my brother.

Flaw of Insanity goes inside. A few minutes later, a tank bursts through the wall of Darre's shack and heads for TR Island.

*meanwhile*

The chase between Ngethac and the Acura RL continues, with the pair tearing through a generic city. Sparda is beginning to look rather ill.

Erik: Do you guys think we could stop at a gas station? I want to shave.
Sparda: We're in the middle of being chased by a monster.
Erik: So is that a yes?
Peregrine: We could benefit from a scratch ticket.
Sparda: How could we benefit from a scratch ticket?
Peregrine: We could win a faster car.
Erik: Maybe we should buy an entire package of scratch tickets.
Sparda: You won’t be able to redeem any prizes.
Peregrine: Oh. Right.

Silence is shared between the three, where the only sound is the roar of the Acura’s engine, the stereo and Ngethac bounding after them.

Erik: There's a Shell up ahead.
Peregrine: That'll do.

Suddenly, Ngethac is ensnared by a glowing orange net of energy dropped by a large plane from overhead, and then engulfed in smoke. The smoke clears, and when it does, the survivors in the Acura can see that Ngethac is now unconscious. Cars begin pulling up around them, and Mrsebi steps out of one, flanked by Security Officer #3, Security Officer #4, Security Officer #5, Security Officer #6 and Security Officer #7. Peregrine, Sparda and Erik step out of their car as well to greet their former co-worker.

Sparda: Thanks Sebi, I thought I was going to die.
Mrsebi: Sure thing, anything for a future co-worker.
Peregrine: Future co-worker?
Mrsebi: I was just on my way to ask Vamp for a job at TR.
Peregrine: I thought you hated it there.
Erik: Hold on, since when does Sebi make sense?
Peregrine: It's a long story.
Mrsebi: Actually, Vamp put a crayon up my nose. The story is only seven words, made up of twenty-nine characters, if you count grammar.
Erik: You think someone would have known.
Mrsebi: Someone did. Two people, actually. One of them is standing right next to you.

Erik glances at his two companions as Sebi's words sink in.

Erik: Sparda knew you had a crayon up your nose the whole time?
Sparda: He was talking about Per-
Peregrine: What a security leak.
Mrsebi: Anyway, can I pleas-
Security Officer #3: HOSTILE, THIRTY SECONDS OUT.
Security Officer #5: EVERYONE GET DOWN.
Security Officer #6: MOVE MOVE MOVE.

Everyone finds some sort of cover and hides as best they can. Katherine walks past. Once she is gone, Security Officer #4 flashes the all clear signal and the group moves out of hiding.

Sparda: What was that all about?
Mrsebi: We had a bit of a falling out and, well, I need to go ask Vamp for my job back so I can have TR's protection.
Peregrine: TR's protection? That's a funny... Wait, why do you keep saying you want to get your job back from "Vamp"?
Mrsebi: Because, he's back. And rebuilding TR Castle.
Peregrine: No, he's not.
Mrsebi: Yes, he is.
Peregrine: I don't believe you. I refuse to believe you.
Mrsebi: You can see for yourself once we get back to TR Castle, if that's okay with you.
Erik: Yeah, it’s okay Sebi, I'm returning to TR as well.
Peregrine: Hold on a-
Erik: Peregrine said it was okay.
Peregrine: Now wait just a-
Erik: I'm sure since you just saved our lives, Vamp will allow your appointment in TR.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: I tell you, I will never as long as I live allow Sebi back in this company.
Chamberino: What?
Vamparagon: Nothing. Just thinking out loud.

Vamparagon, Chamberino, Ragegamer, Xusha and the surviving members of TR are standing around in the ruins of TR Castle. Ragegamer is negotiating with Aeonarial, a famed architect.

Aeonarial: This castle could do with some repairs man.
Ragegamer: So how much would it cost?
Aeonarial: Eh, I'll do it for my usual unrealistic castle fare.
Ragegamer: Fantastic. Vamp I believe has a few modifications planned.

Vamparagon rummages around in his pockets for some blueprints.

Vamparagon: First of all, I want everything to be exactly the same.
Aeonarial: You got it bro.
Vamparagon: However, the teddy gram factory should be replaced with an auditorium.
Xusha: Where will we produce teddy grams?
Vamparagon: We can import them with the money we make in plays.
Xusha: Chamb likes the teddy grams we make though.
Chamberino: I like the teddy grams we make though.
Vamparagon: Okay, compromise. Just make everything exactly the same but put a table in this empty room. I can use that for my talent shows and judging criminals.
Ragegamer: Didn't you want to modify the conference room too?
Vamparagon: Oh right. Make a new conference room too. I want it to be in another dimension. It should be entirely made of glass, with a fancy table and twelve leather seats. The table should be able to have a portion of it in front of each seat flip over to reveal a MacBook Pro with a seventeen inch screen. Also, have a huge monitor hooked up to the MacBook Pro that slides out when I say "MAIN SCREEN TURN ON". And a snack bar. With delicious snacks.
Aeonarial: Uhhh.. And you want this in another dimension?
Vamparagon: That's right. Get Bramman in on it. He can use his super powers to figure it out.
Aeonarial: Right... Okay. We're gonna make this castle pop yo.

*meanwhile*

Darre's tank arrives at the barricade where the security guards are holding the line. Flaw of Insanity and Darre exit and go talk to Whiskers who is in charge.

Darre: What's the situation soldier?
Whiskers: Meow.
Darre: Just as I suspected.
Flaw of Insanity: Good work Whiskers. I knew I could count on you.
Darre: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LISTEN UP.

Darre climbs on top of the barricade. The security officers rally around him as he gives a speech.

Darre: TR Island is ravaged. Its population has fled or died under the feet of the zard. Its city is smashed and burning. Its very ground is irrevocably tainted with the blood of zards, traitors and cultists. There is nothing left. Nothing but blasphemous heathens, and the mighty TR security officers who will destroy them. In this dark place, in this dark hour, we will stand against the enemies of the emperor, and they will know that not even here on this desecrated infernal rock will we suffer the existence of the heretic. Not now. Not ever.
Security Officer #2: You heard the man. Jump to!
Darre: Flaw of Insanity and I are going to go into what's left of this island and find a way to blow it up. The rest of you, stay here and use the tank to take out anything that tries to get out of the city that's a zard.

Darre and Flaw of Insanity cross the bridge and begin to explore the city, taking out zards as they go.

*meanwhile*

Dake: Okay, I have an idea Cial.
Cial: Quack?
Dake: Cover the door for me, I need some time.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK.

There is a knock at the door.

Zard: Grawr rawr rawr!
Cial: Quack. Quack quack?
Zard: Rawr rawr rawrrr!
Cial: Quack quack!
Zard: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRR.
Cial: QUACK! QUACK QUACK QUACK!
Zard: GRAWR RARWWR RRAWRR.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK! QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK.
Dake: Thanks for covering me Cial.

Cial looks up at Dake and sees that Dake is now wearing a mechanical suit of cobbled together parts.

Dake: Get ready for payback, Iron Man. We are Scrap Iron Man.

Cial jumps onto Dake's back and the two fly out of TR Tower using Dake's suit. Awesome music plays. Possibly even this music. Dake's onboard computer locates two human life signs inside the city and flies down to meet them.

Darre: What is that? A flying zard?
Flaw of Insanity: No, it's probably just Dake.
Darre: Dake is iron man?
Flaw of Insanity: I don't even know anymore to be honest.

Dake touches down and Cial leaps down from his back.

Dake: Sup guys.
Flaw of Insanity: Sup Dake.
Darre: Hey Dake. What's with the duck?
Dake: Oh that's just Cial.
Cial: Quack.
Flaw of Insanity: Oh, you figured out a way to turn Cial into a duck? That's very useful.
Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK.
Darre: So Dake, how do you suggest we fix this mess?
Dake: It's obvious isn't it? We're going to overload the windmills.
Darre: Windmills?
Dake: Windmills.
Darre: How is that obvious?
Dake: Well, maybe it's not so obvious. But if we turn the windmills onto max and lower the shield, the city will sink and be flooded, and zards can't swim.
Flaw of Insanity: They can't?
Dake: Well, these ones can't. They're related to Vamp.
Flaw of Insanity: That makes more sense.
Darre: Alright, I'll go dial up the windmills and lower the shield. Flaw?
Flaw of Insanity: Yes sir?
Darre: Get these civilians to safety.
Flaw of Insanity: Count on it.

Flaw of Insanity escorts Dake and Cial out of the city. Darre makes his way up to the power distribution facility, lowers the shield, and turns the windmills up to max. Surely enough, the city begins sinking immediately. Darre turns around to make his escape but finds the door blocked by an adversary.

Cocoa: Grawr rawr rawr rawr.
Darre: Together or alone, I WILL NEVER FALTER. IT'S TIME FOR DEATH, SCUM.

Darre tackles Cocoa. A wrestle ensues. Just when it looks like Cocoa's strength will give her the upper hand, Darre manages to get Cocoa into a headlock, and holds her in it until they are both under the water level. From the bridge, the survivors watch in horror as the city sinks, with Darre still on it.

Dake: My God... Darre's dead.
Flaw of Insanity: No. He's just missing in action.

Flaw of Insanity throws a flare across the water, and the group begins to walk towards TR Castle, to see what Vamparagon's new reign would bring about next, and to see if Darre's sacrifice had been worth it.

To be continued...

by Peregrine Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:34 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters - Page 2 10fx7he

The scene opens up to a conference room. As it is with most generic conference rooms, a table is situated in the center. At the head of the table sits a Macintosh laptop hooked up to an LCD projector, which is currently turned off. A dozen people are seated around the conference room table. Flaw of Insanity (TR's chief of security), along with Dake, Cial (who is still a duck), and Private Whiskers had just finished their recounting of the events at TR Island and Darre's heroic sacrifice. Peregrine, Sparda, Erik and Mrsebi who had arrived here earlier had already given their accounting of Mathia's apparent death and Ngethac.

Erik: So, now that that's out of the way. Can I have my job back?
Vamparagon: Yep.
Erik: Really? No hard feelings? For the whole marrying your girlfriend business?
Vamparagon: I get it Erik. It's just the nature of the game. The game of love. Which we play. Of which you are a player.
Erik: Great. Thanks. I think.
Mrsebi: Can I have my job back too?

Vamparagon suddenly shoves a crayon up Mrsebi's nose.

Vamparagon: No, but you can be my new secretary.
Mrsebi: OH BOY, I LIKE LAMPSHADES.
Vamparagon: Good man Sebi. Now then. Flaw.

A single tear rolls down Flaw of Insanity's cheeks.

Flaw of Insanity: At long last sir... An order to my liking.

Flaw of Insanity and Whiskers drag Mrsebi off to the dungeons.

Vamparagon: So now that that's off my list of things to do, where's Cial?
Cial: Quack.
Vamparagon: Cial, why are you a duck?
Cial: Quack quack.
Dake: Something went wrong and he got turned into one.
Vamparagon: Cial, can you speak English?
Cial: Quack.
Vamparagon: CIAL, CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
Cial: QUACK.
Vamparagon: Fine, I'll speak duck. QUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAK. QUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAK
Cial: Quack quack quack.
Xusha: I don't think that's duck you're speaking.
Vamparagon: Maybe I'll try a different dialect? KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK. KAAAAAAAAAAAWK.
Cial: Quack quack quack!
Vamparagon: Fine, be difficult. We have a bigger problem.
Chamberino: Paper towel?
Vamparagon: Even worse.
Peregrine: The fact that half the company is either dead, missing, missing presumed dead, fired, or fired presumed dead?
Vamparagon: No.
Peregrine: That's not the problem?
Vamparagon: It's not as if anyone named died.
Peregrine: Darre died.
Vamparagon: Never even heard of him.
Peregrine: Juliana is missing, presumed dead.
Vamparagon: Again, I've never heard of her.
Peregrine: Ice is missing?
Vamparagon: Ice is just chillin' in Florida.
Peregrine: ...In Florida?
Vamparagon: It's a cool place to be.

*meanwhile*

Crystal Lion: Are you suuuure you're not chillin'?
Icewolfking: I'm positive.
Crystal Lion: Positively chillin'?

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Anyway, shut up Pere. You're not helping. We need three new directors.
Sparda: I could be a director.
Vamparagon: I don't even know who you are.
Sparda: I'm in Pere's department.
Vamparagon: Pere, do you know this guy?
Peregrine: Yeah, he's Sparda. An intern.
Vamparagon: Right. We're not promoting from interns. Get out.

Sparda leaves. The serious discussion continues.

Vamparagon: So my proposition is this. We hold a talent show. The most talented person wins.
Dake: Forgive me for asking, but how was the original board selected?
Ragegamer: Vamp drew our names out of a hat.
Vamparagon: Okay, here's how we're going to form a panel of judges. We're going to play rock paper scissors. The top three players have to judge.
Peregrine: Isn't that more punishment than reward?
Vamparagon: Shut up Pere, you're lucky I don't fire you.
Ragegamer: So who's playing who?

The eight board members form into groups of two. Vamparagon is playing Peregrine, Erik is playing Chamberino, Cial is playing Dake, and Ragegamer is playing Xusha. After a "rock, paper, scissors!" everyone throws down. Chamberino defeats Erik, Cial defeats Dake and Xusha defeats Ragegamer. Peregrine defeats Vamparagon but is then punched in the face and Vamparagon proclaims himself the winner. They move on to the semi-finals. Vamparagon is playing Cial and Xusha is playing Chamberino. Chamberino defeats Xusha, and Cial defeats Vamparagon.

Vamparagon: YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
Cial: Quack?
Vamparagon: YOU CAN'T USE WING. WE'RE PLAYING WITHOUT WING.
Cial: Quack quack.
Vamparagon: WING BEATS EVERYTHING, IT'S OP.
Erik: You actually never said we weren't playing without wing.
Vamparagon: Fine. Fine. Fine.

Chamberino and Cial are now both on the judging panel. Xusha plays Vamparagon and wins.

Vamparagon: Okay, so Chamb, Cial, Xusha and I are going to be the judges. Everyone else, go make yourselves useful.
Dake: Wait, you lost though.
Ragegamer: Yeah, why are you on the judging panel?
Vamparagon: It's my board of directors, I should be on the panel.
Ragegamer: But the point of having an odd number is so everything DOESN'T end in a tie.
Vamparagon: I'm sure nothing will end in a tie. The rest of you, go be useful. Erik, why don't you go get your appearance back together. I don't want to be seen with an evidently drunk homeless man.

*later*

Vamparagon, Cial, Chamberino and Xusha have set themselves up in the empty room Vamparagon wanted a table put into. A makeshift stage has been erected upon which performances can be performed. Upon the table sits the LCD projector hooked up to a Macintosh laptop from the conference room. The LCD projector is on and is projecting four boxes onto the wall behind the stage like the ones used on game shows, as well as the words "TR Idol" in a fancy font. Vamparagon calls in their first contestant for the position of board member, Hunter Reckoning.

Chamberino: Welcome to TR Idol. What do you do?
Hunter Reckoning: I'm an egg preparer.
Vamparagon: Okay, let's see some samples.

Hunter Reckoning prepares eggs for the group in their favourite varieties, scrambled, hard boiled, raw and Russian.

Xusha: These hard boiled eggs are pretty good.
Cial: Quack quack!
Chamberino: Yes, thank you for these. I missed breakfast because of the attack.
Vamparagon: These eggs are good, but how's your bacon?
Hunter Reckoning: I don't do bacon.

There is a moment of silence.

Vamparagon: I see. Opinions?

The four boxes on the stage light up with red Xs.

Vamparagon: Better luck next time.

Hunter Reckoning leaves the stage dejected.

Vamparagon: Aaaand our next contestant is, Tom Gaskarth!

Tom Gaskarth walks onto the stage.

Chamberino: What's your talent Tom?
Tom Gaskarth: ...
Chamberino: Tom?
Tom Gaskarth: Uhm...
Chamberino: Do you have a talent?
Tom Gaskarth: No.

There is a moment of silence.

Xusha: Such modesty.

The four boxes on the stage light up with green checkmarks.

Vamparagon: Welcome to the board of directors!
Tom Gaskarth: Feels good man.
Vamparagon: Now get off the stage, we've got two more to recruit.

Tom Gaskarth leaves the stage.

Vamparagon: And our next contestant is... Thoru!

Thoru walks onto the stage.

Vamparagon: And what do you do?
Thoru: I'm a samurai.
Vamparagon: Okay, let's see some blade work.

Thoru draws his katana.

Thoru: HO.

Thoru slashes with his sword.

Thoru: HA.

Thoru slashes with his sword.

Thoru: HO.

Thoru slashes with his sword.

Thoru: HA.

The four boxes on the stage light up with two HOs and two HAs.

Chamberino: Looks like it's a tie, so we'll call you back if you get the job.
Thoru: Thanks.
Vamparagon: Send in Wixmagic!

Wixmagic enters the stage. Vamparagon hits a keystroke on his laptop and Wixmagic is swallowed up by a trapdoor.

Xusha: I thought we were going to be more accepting of minor characters.
Vamparagon: No?
Chamberino: Next we have Altera.

Altera enters the stage.

Xusha: And what do you do?
Altera: Count.
Vamparagon: Okay, let's hear it.
Altera: 1
Vamparagon: 3
Altera: 2
Vamparagon: 8
Altera: 3
Vamparagon: 3452
Altera: 4
Chamberino: Alright, I think I've seen enough to know you'll be an invaluable addition to the board.

Chamberino's box lights up with a green checkmark.

Cial: Quack quack!

Cial's box lights up with a green checkmark.

Vamparagon: I would be more impressed if you actually could count.

Vamparagon's box lights up with a red X, followed by Xusha's box.

Xusha: As competent as you are, you seem overly competent, and that's just going to cause problems later on for my next attempted takeover of TR.
Altera: 5
Vamparagon: Alright, send in the next one!
Altera: 6
Chamberino: Altera?
Altera: 7
Vamparagon: SECURITY!

Security Officers #1 and #2 arrive and escort Altera off stage. DigDog is the next to come on stage.

Chamberino: Hello DigDog, what do you do here for work?
DigDog: I don't work.
Chamberino: You don't work?
DigDog: That's too much work.
Vamparagon: That's what I'm always telling people.
Chamberino: Why do you want the job then?
DigDog: I hear it pays well and Vamp treats you guys to lunch every day.
Chamberino: That's not even close to true.
DigDog: I also hear you guys do even less work than I do.
Chamberino: That part sounds about right.
Vamparagon: Well, you're certainly talented.
DigDog: Sure, whatever gets me the job.

The four boxes light up with green checkmarks.

DigDog: Can I get someone to move my stuff into my new office for me?
Vamparagon: That's the spirit! I'm sure you'll make a great addition to the board.

DigDog leaves, AQWisgood is good is called to the stage.

Xusha: So, what is your talent?
AQWisgood: A
AQWisgood: A
Xusha: That's not a talent.

Vamparagon bursts into tears.

Vamparagon: No... IT'S POETRY.

The stage lights dim and a spotlight is shone upon AQWisgood. Vamparagon begins throwing roses at him.

Vamparagon: ENCORE! ENCORE!

Xusha pulls the plug on the lights. The four checkboxes light up. Vamparagon's with a green checkmark, the other three with red Xs.

Vamparagon: I shouldn't be disappointed at this point every time I notice I'm surrounded by people without artistic appreciation, but I still am.

AQWisgood leaves. The final contestant steps on stage: Tim Hortans.

Vamparagon: You've already got the job, why are you still here?
Tim Hortans: What?
Vamparagon: You're the guy with no talent right?
Chamberino: That was Tom.
Tim Hortans: I'm Tim.
Vamparagon: So what do you do?
Tim Hortans: I do your mom.
Vamparagon: Dad?
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Chamberino: That's not really-
Tim Hortans: You're not posh enough to wear sweater vests.
Chamberino: I'm not even wearing a sweater vest right now.
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Xusha: So wh-
Tim Hortans: Russia sucks.
Xusha: Not as much as Canada, eh?
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Cial: Quack.
Tim Hortans: What?
Cial: Quack quack.
Tim Hortans: Quack quack quack.
Cial: Quack quack quack.
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Chamberino: So is your talent being a jerk?
Tim Hortans: Yeah, I'm a professional troll.
Xusha: Must take a lot of makeup to hide that.
Tim Hortans: Not as much as it takes to hide THAT.
Xusha: Hide what?
Tim Hortans: THAT.
Xusha: What?
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Chamberino: I guess you'll do, but only because you're the last option we have and we need one more person.
Tim Hortans: I think I should be the emperor, I'm more qualified.
Vamparagon: No you're not.
Tim Hortans: Yes I am.
Vamparagon: You can be fired if you want.
Tim Hortans:
trollface

Tim Hortans struts out of the room.

Vamparagon: Well that's enough work for one day. Lunch break!

From all around the castle, the TR crew goes about their day to day business. Alderos is eaten by a grue. Erik, now shaven, showered, sober and snazzy goes around telling people to get to work. AQWisgood writes beautiful poetry. Mrsebi hangs upside down from a chandelier where someone left him. Sparda drinks a glass of TR ale Robaldo had brewed for him while writing the second chapter of his spin-off series (HINT HINT). Xusha prays to a Russian shrine. Aeonarial takes a step back from a job well done, having completed everything except that other conference room Vamp wanted. Shadz beams with pride now that Shadow has resigned, having full rights to his name. Ragegamer takes a break from being important to enjoy some video games. Flaw of Insanity hangs a picture of Darre in the conference room. Tim Hortans accidentally trolls himself. Hunter Reckoning attempts to make bacon but burns it. Weena trips over something. Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 guard something important. DigDog slacks off. Tom Gaskarth plays POKéMON HeartGold, but encounters difficulty choosing a starter. Altera counts. Wixmagic hitches a ride with Alligator Gondolier in an attempt to escape the sewers. Cial quacks and eats some bread people in the cafeteria throw at him. Thoru works on his HAs. Winnie remains morally ambiguous. Chamberino swindles someone out of their points. Dake invents a pen that's allergic to ink. Draktand cures cancer but then forgets how he did it. LightningZStar provides exciting tours of the reopened Zard Land. It seems as if everything at TR is finally back to normal.

STOCK MARKET CRASH
"Worse than the time where George Bush was in charge," remarks political analyst.

TR - One of the finest organizations of our time, has come by new leadership in the form of old leadership. Vamparagon, the second emperor of TR, has returned and reclaimed his golden throne.

"Juliana and I got him back," says Winnie, an employee.

"It was a team effort," remarks Vamparagon. "Everyone except Winnie, Juliana and Ryzaa helped in their own small way. Oh, and Peregrine. He is a jerk."

"For example, Shadz helped by eating some peanuts beforehand. It was all part of the plan."

However, within twenty-four hours of his new rule, TR Island and all of its facilities was destroyed by a swarm of zards and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Many lives were lost, all but one of whom were fortunately resurrected since this is a PG-13 world and can resume their lives as nameless minor characters. Darre, an imperial guardsman of TR, is still missing.

As a result of the catastrophe, TR's stocks have plummeted, causing everyone who relied on emperor Ryzaa's skilled leadership to have their stocks plummet as well, which unfortunately was everyone.

"I think we're going to have to close down," says Ronald MacDonald, spokesperson for the MacDonalds franchise. "Without TR's assistance, our food will go back to being unhealthy and questionably safe."

With TR Island now destroyed, TR has returned to the original TR Castle, and emperor Vamparagon states that given their close proximity to a variety of restaurants, they are unlikely to be moving any time soon.

For a full list of changes to TR, turn to page 2.

The grand doors of TR Castle open up and Icewolfking steps inside, having been filled in on what had happened by the local newspaper. He travels to the conference room. The only other person in the conference room is Peregrine, who is still asleep from the last meeting. Icewolfking wakes him up.

Peregrine: Oh hey Ice, welcome back. How was Florida?
Icewolfking: Pretty stressful man, I can't wait to finally relax.
Peregrine: Right. Did you hear about all the firings and resignations?
Icewolfking: Yeah, it's all over the news.
Peregrine: I never understood how we always make it to the front page. You know, we've lost a lot of good people.
Icewolfking: I know, but we got new people as well, and I'm sure the old faces will return later in some form or another.
Peregrine: We'll see.

Icewolfking leaves to go and get rid of his tan, and Peregrine gets up and goes back to his office where he can continue sleeping undisturbed. From outside, the flower that had blossomed as an unfading testament to TR's resolve to never surrender is in full bloom. A leafeon prances by, notices it, and eats it, before returning to following its trainer out to lunch.

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

The end.

by Peregrine Fri Apr 06, 2012 9:52 pm

The Strange Adventures of Unimaginatively Named Characters - Page 2 10e1m5j

Zards.

The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the TR expedition, who aim to discover new worlds, new races (of zards) and most importantly, to boldly set out where no man has gone before.

Peregrine: Hey narrator, what are you doing?

I'm just trying to mix the intros up a bit with some philosophy.

Peregrine: Well stop. We can't see where we're going without you narrating the terrain. Alderos just fell in a hole and died.
Alderos: I'm not dead yet OH GOD SPIKES MADE OF ACID.

Fine. Our story opens to find several members of the TR crew in a jungle as part of an expedition to find the elusive golden zard. Vamparagon has managed to drag Peregrine, Chamberino, Cial, Tim Hortans, Tom Gaskarth, Flaw of Insanity and ~~Alderos~~ out for the expedition, everyone else having moved to another country until the expedition was over. Peregrine is feeling especially bitter over it because he had come up with a suitable excuse that he had to take his rock to the hospital, but then Vamparagon had told DigDog to take the rock to the hospital instead, a task that DigDog begrudgingly accepted while complaining that driving was only slightly less work than walking.

Vamparagon: Nothing like the great outdoors, right team?
Tim Hortans: I miss my computer.
Tom Gaskarth: Hey Tim.

Tom Gaskarth pulls out his Nintendo DS.

Tom Gaskarth: You jelly?

Tim Hortans sniffles a little from withdrawal but says nothing despite it being clear that the jelly is off the charts.

Cial: Quack quack.
Vamparagon: Well I'm glad we're all in agreement about how great this is.
Peregrine: We should have brought some jeeps. The expedition from Jurassic Park 2 had jeeps.
Chamberino: Didn't a tyrannosaurus throw those jeeps off the cliff?
Tim Hortans: More like Flaw's mum threw those jeeps off the cliff.
Vamparagon: Hey Tim, that could seriously hurt someone's feelings.
Flaw of Insanity: Actually my mother was the tyrannosaurus who played the tyrannosaurus who threw those jeeps off the cliff.
Peregrine: How is your mother a tyrannosaurus when you're a human?
Flaw of Insanity: Recessive genes.
Tim Hortans: Can we go home now? I want to go home.
Vamparagon: No, there's no turning back. We've come too far! Now then...

Vamparagon scans the area using a mix of squinting and eyes.

Vamparagon: Let's see if we can find a MacDonald’s to eat lunch in. I would say Wendy’s but we're roughing it.
Peregrine: We're in a jungle.
Vamparagon: And?
Peregrine: There's not going to be a fast food place.
Vamparagon: You don't know that.

Vamparagon scans the area frantically but finds nothing.

Vamparagon: Can we go home now? I want to go home.
Cial: Quack.
Peregrine: Yep.
Chamberino: I'm good with going home.
Tim Hortans: Yeah let's turn back before it's too late.
Tom Gaskarth: I forgot to charge my DS.
Vamparagon: You lot are a bunch of babies. We need to press on!
Peregrine: But you're the one who-
Vamparagon: Shut up. Flaw, hand me THE MAP.

Flaw of Insanity hands Vamparagon THE MAP.

Vamparagon: Right, so first we need to cross the bridge of the rising flow. Then we need to defeat the beast of the land of the beast. Then we need to prove our intellect and wisdom at the alter of the golden zard and once we do it will appear to us.
Chamberino: A test of intellect and wisdom?

Chamberino glances at each of his companions in turn.

Chamberino: I'm leaving.

Chamberino turns around and walks home.

Peregrine: I'm also leaving.

Peregrine turns around and begins to follow Chamberino but is blocked by Flaw of Insanity.

Flaw of Insanity: Sorry, but Vamp says we need you for the human sacrifice later.
Peregrine: What human sacrifice?
Vamparagon: Well there isn't one mentioned but even if there isn't a human sacrifice no expedition is complete without someone from inside the group betraying everyone else so they can keep the treasure for themselves only to meet an untimely end shortly afterwards.
Peregrine: But usually the traitors care about the treasure at the end of the expedition. I don't.
Vamparagon: Shut up, you're ruining my ying.

The six party members who remain proceed through the jungle. Flaw of Insanity takes the lead, clearing a path with his machete, with Vamparagon following behind with THE MAP and a compass. Tom Gaskarth is next, followed by Tim Hortans, Peregrine and Cial waddling behind. Eventually they come to a clearing in the jungle through which a small river flows, with a bridge leading over it.

Vamparagon: This is it everyone, the bridge of the rising flow!
Tom Gaskarth: The flow's not rising.
Flaw of Insanity: The tide must be out.
Peregrine: Rivers don't have tides.
Vamparagon: You'd be the expert on rivers.
Peregrine: What.
Cial: Quack quack.

Cial dives into the river and swims across. He waddles out the other side and shakes his feathers to get the water out of them.

Cial: Quack quack quack!
Vamparagon: Is the water cold?
Cial: Quack.
Flaw of Insanity: Aren't we supposed to cross the bridge?
Vamparagon: Oh yes.

A moment passes in which no one says anything.

Vamparagon: Who wants to go first?
Peregrine: This is your expedition.
Tim Hortans: Stupid expedition.
Peregrine: This is your stupid expedition.
Vamparagon: You're right, I should choose.
Tim Hortans: No, we're saying that you-
Vamparagon: TOM YOU GO FIRST.
Tom Gaskarth: But I have children.
Tim Hortans: No you don't.

Tom Gaskarth runs across the bridge sobbing uncontrollably. He makes it to the other side and everyone is surprised he is still alive.

Vamparagon: Well I guess the tide's out.
Peregrine: River's don't have ti-
Vamparagon: EVERYBODY ACROSS.

Vamparagon strides across the bridge, followed by Flaw of Insanity, Tim Hortans and Peregrine. Suddenly carp begin leaping out of the river and attacking our heroes.

Tim Hortans: OH GOD CARP.
Peregrine: CAAAAAAAAAARP.
Flaw of Insanity: COME AT ME CARP.

Vamparagon runs across the bridge screaming like a girl. The other three are left to fend for themselves. They hold off the carp assault but then the carp attack the bridge supports and the three topple into the river. The choppy water begins to turn dark red from blood. There is a moment of shock induced silence from the survivors until Vamparagon falls to the ground on his knees and screams at the sky.

Vamparagon: FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW.
Cial: QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.
Tom Gaskarth: Oh my God. I can't believe Flaw, Tim and that other guy are dead.
Cial: Quack quack.
Vamparagon: Yeah, Tim's dead too.
Tom Gaskarth: And that other guy.
Vamparagon: Yeah, him too.
Tom Gaskarth: Who was he anyway?
Vamparagon: I don't know, we didn't really hang out.

The trio say their goodbyes and head onwards, Vamparagon insisting that the completion of their quest is what that other guy would have wanted. The going is slow without Flaw clearing the way, but eventually they come upon a sign that says "Now Entering the Land of the Beast".

Vamparagon: I WONDER IF WE'LL EVER MAKE IT TO THE LAND OF THE BEAST.
Tom Gaskarth: The sign says we're here.
Vamparagon: I WISH THERE WERE SOME SIGNS TO TELL ME HOW CLOSE I AM.
Tom Gaskarth: There's a sign right there.
Vamparagon: AS IT IS I HAVE NO CLU-
Tom Gaskarth: Are you an idiot?
Vamparagon: I'm trying to lure out the beast, either help or shut up.
Tom Gaskarth: Oh, that's surprisingly smart.
Vamparagon: Thanks, I read about it in Adventures for Dummies.

Vamparagon takes Adventures for Dummies out of his backpack and shows it to Tom Gaskarth.

Vamparagon: It's a first edition.
Tom Gaskarth: I... right.

The three heroes wait for a little while until Vamparagon gets second thoughts.

Vamparagon: You know what, maybe it's a puzzle.

Vamparagon gives Cial a hard kick in the ribs knocking the duck unconscious.

Vamparagon: There, the beast has been vanquished!
Tom Gaskarth: But that was Ci-
Vamparagon: ONWARDS!

*meanwhile*

Tim Hortans pulls himself out of the river gasping for breath and bleeding in a few places. Peregrine, in a similar state, is not far behind him. Flaw of Insanity is the last man out, rising up with a head locked carp under each arm.

Flaw of Insanity: SHOWED THOSE CARP.
Tim Hortans: THIS ADVENTURE IS STUPID.
Peregrine: Now can we go back?
Flaw of Insanity: Yeah it looks like Vamp went on without us. So much for no man gets left behind.
Peregrine: So we can go back now right?
Flaw of Insanity: Might as well.
Tim Hortans: YESSS.

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon and Tom Gaskarth have come to a rope bridge that runs the length of a chasm. At the end of a chasm is a rock outcropping with a treasure chest under it.

Vamparagon: THERE IT IS, THE TREASURE.
Tom Gaskarth: I thought we were going after the golden zard.
Vamparagon: Well we'll look for that later.

Vamparagon and Tom Gaskarth begin to cross the bridge-

???: STOP RIGHT THERE.

Suddenly a pirate appears out of nowhere.

Capn' Indigobeard: I BE CAPN' INDIGOBEARD N' THIS BE MY SHIP.
Tom Gaskarth: What's your first name?
Capn' Indigobeard: NOT THAT IT MATTERS, BUT IT BE FREDERICKS.
Tom Gaskarth: Fredericks?
Capn' Indigobeard: I BE NAMED FER MY FATHER'S BROTHER.
Vamparagon: Look what do you want?
Capn' Indigobeard: BEFORE YE LANDLUBBERS BE WALKIN' ANY SUCH PLANK AS THIS YE BE EXPECTIN' TER ANSWER ME QUESTIONS THREE.
Vamparagon: And if we don't care?
Capn' Indigobeard: ARRR, THEN YE CAN ANSWER TER MY CUTLASS INSTEAD.
Tom Gaskarth: Okay fine, let's get this Monty Python reference over with.
Capn' Indigobeard: THIS BE NO MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE, THIS BE COMPLETELY ORIGINAL.
Vamparagon: What are the questions then?
Capn' Indigobeard: WHAT BE YER NAMES?
Vamparagon: I thought you sai-
Capn' Indigobeard: IT BE A GENERAL QUESTION ASKED BY MORE N' MONTY PYTHON.
Vamparagon: Vamparagon.
Tom Gaskarth: Tom.
Capn' Indigobeard: WHAT BE YER FAVOURITE COLOURS? MINE BE INDIGO.
Vamparagon: I thought you sai-
Capn' Indigobeard: IT BE A GENERAL QUESTION ASKED BY MORE N' MONTY PYTHON.
Vamparagon: Red.
Tom Gaskarth: Blue.
Capn' Indigobeard: WHAT BE YER QUEST?
Vamp & Tom: WE SEEK THE GOLDEN ZARD.
Capn' Indigobeard ARRR, WELL'N I HOPE YER READY TO BE DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE THERE BE NO GOLDEN ZARD.
Vamparagon: No... golden zard?
Capn' Indigobeard: IT BE MORE OF A REALLY BRIGHT YELLOW.
Vamparagon: Well that sucks, is there at least something in the chest?
Capn' Indigobeard: ARRR, THAT BE ME PLUNDER, TAKE A GANDER MATEYS IF YE SO INCLINED.

Capn' Indigobeard disappeared as suddenly as he appeared, having successfully been the best plot device across any one of these stories. Vamparagon and Tom Gaskarth approach the chest and are greeted by it opening by itself and a goblin sticking his head out of it.

Goblin: HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU.
Tom Gaskarth: Do you have the golden zard?
Goblin: It's more of a really bright yellow, but I can offer you this fiery weapon forged in the belly of a dragon instead.
Vamparagon: Fine, we'll take that.
Goblin: That'll be one and a half million gold.
Vamparagon: We crossed the bridge of the rising flow. We defeated the beast in the land of the beast. We passed the test of intellect and wisdom. We deserve it for free.
Goblin: Well first of all, the first two trials are just translation errors.
Vamparagon: Wait-
Goblin: You need to defeat the beasts of the rising flow, cross the land of the beast and then pass the test of intellect and wisdom.
Vamparagon: Well we passed Capn' Indigobeard's three questions.
Goblin: Yeah that wasn't actually it. Did you make it to that crossroad that had two signs, one saying "Golden Zard" and the other saying "Capn' Indigobeard's Treasure Trove"?
Vamparagon: Yes.
Tom Gaskarth: I told you we should have gone left.
Vamparagon: I thought it might have been a trick.
Goblin: Yeah that was the test of intellect and wisdom. You failed by the way.
Vamparagon: Crap.
Goblin: Anyway are we going to do business or not?
Vamparagon: I don't have one and a half million gold on me.
Goblin: Well then.

The Goblin closes the chest shut on itself again and there is a click as the chest locks, leaving Vamparagon and Tom Gaskarth defeated.

*later*

DigDog: So then the veterinarian points out that it's a rock, and I had to drive ALL THE WAY BACK.

Peregrine, Tim Hortans, Chamberino and DigDog and seated on couches and armchairs around TR Castle's lounge and discussing the day's events over some split-screen racing game.

Tim Hortans: Yeah you sure had it hard.

Flaw of Insanity enters the room followed by Vamparagon and Tom Gaskarth, who had just arrived.

Vamparagon: Well I think that was a complete success!
Tom Gaskarth: My wasp stings have wasp stings.
Vamparagon: Just be thankful they weren't giant wasps.
Tom Gaskarth: But they were giant wasps.
Vamparagon: They were diminutively unchallenged wasps.
Flaw of Insanity: At least everyone made it back okay except Alderos.
Chamberino: So, did you guys find the golden zard in the end?
Vamparagon: Yes, it bestowed upon me immortality and soon I will be zard-emperor.
Tim Hortans: Really?
Tom Gaskarth: No, Vamp got us lost and we met a pirate and then a goblin tried to swindle us.
Tim Hortans: Yeah, that's about what I figured.
Peregrine: I just can't help but think we forgot to do something.
Chamberino: Hmmm...

*meanwhile*

Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!

Cial, who had woken up alone in the forest and then waddled back to TR Castle, was now standing in front of the door, hoping someone will eventually come out and let him in.

Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK!

Cial throws himself against the door, his way of "knocking".

Cial: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!

*meanwhile*

Vamparagon: Nope, I think we wrapped up everything.

"Adventure is just bad planning."

The end.

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