Fort Regulars V: The Empire Strikes Back

Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, 31st of Obsidian.

Tomorrow is the big day! This is going to be the best funded expedition ever launched by dwarf-kind to establish a holding in the lands of evil and fouldeedery. It seems like just yesterday (which it was, actually) that Emperor Vamparagon approached me with a stack of 27 dossiers and informed me I was going to be leading a team to the great mountain Realdere and establishing a mighty fortress where miners recently prospected an abundant amount of microline. We could always use more microline!

Despite the short notice, I can hardly contain my excitement. Some of the dossiers are for legendary craftsmen, which while I count myself a member of, cannot help but to be in awe of for their achievements, which far outshine my own.

For miners, we have Ieb, one of the oldest dwarves in the kingdom who's been striking the Earth with that =copper pick= of his since a time before time, Shadz, the miner who struck the first vein of adamantine under the mountainhomes, Erik, both a miner and an accomplished misc object user in his own right, and Rage, the spear miner who's descended from a long line of spear miners, such as Ragegamer the spear miner, Raeggamurus the spear miner, Raphael the spear miner, and Dingleberry, who screwed up the whole lineage by being a mace miner instead.

For woodworkers we have Shadow, the most amazing carpenter in all the lands who crafted the barrels the emperor stores his very own personal cave wheat [5]s in, and DigDog, a lumberjack who can cut down a tree just by looking at it using laser vision or something amazing like that. Actually I've never even heard of DigDog, but I'm sure he's a good woodcutter. Or lumberjack, rather.

For stoneworkers we have CD, a mason whom I remember and am good friends with still from stoneworker school, and myself, Peregrine, the engraver. Neither of us have any real accomplishments under our belt. In fact I'm surprised CD was selected given his tendency to fall asleep while crafting and drool all over whatever it was he was working on, but it's good to see him again none the less.

For rangers we have Chamberino, an animal trainer who journeyed to the depths of the world and trained the giant olm men in the ways of proper eating, Jason the elephant hunter, and Darre the trapper, of whom it is said can trap any vermin known to dwarf.

For smiths we have MrSebi the weaponsmith and Masterwolfie the armorer, who forge the equipment for the dwarven army. I'm surprised Vamparagon spared them to go find him some microline, but we might need them before the end.

For a jeweler and craftswarf we have Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2. A pair of respectable dwarven names. Good to see the #2 family is still around, I thought they died with Soap Maker #2, but I guess his brother Maildwarf #2 sired a son after all.

For farmers and fishery workers we have Tim Hortans the fishery worker who fishes sea serpents out of the caverns of the mountainhomes, Wixmagic the brewer who brews the most legendary of ales, Juliana the herbalist, royal plump helmet picker and Phil the planter.

For mechanics we have Grey who designed the trapdoors in the emperor's office and Tom Gaskarth, famous for the magma flood trap that stopped the rhesus macaques in the year of 78.

For doctors we have Sparda the surgeon, who has saved more lives than has drank drinks, which makes him hardly a dwarf at all. But still, he might be useful to have along if we have any injuries.

For guards we have four earnest young solders, Guy Edvards Killmaster and Nuke the marksdwarves, Xusha the wrestler and Crystal Lion the swordsdwarf. They're no champions, but they'll do. Although I must wonder what Vamparagon was thinking, for in the dossiers he made a note that they would be unarmoured and unarmed. I guess Sebi and Wolfie will have their work cut out for them when we get to Realdere.

Also coming with us are Draktand the intimidator who is said to have the longest beard in all the mountainhomes, and Cial, the comedian who is said to have the shortest.

Yep, this sure will be quite a successful expedition.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, 1st of Granite.

I write this journal from my seat in one of the two supplies laden wagons Vamparagon provided for our trip. Things are going excellently! Vamparagon provided us with even more supplies than I had dared to hope for, sending us along with cloth, leather, gems, red steel bars and lots of booze. He even added a twenty-ninth member to the party at the last minute. A legendary tracker named Alderos, who is to be our guide.

"Don't worry Peregrine," he said to me upon setting out. "With my woodsdwarf skills, there's no way anyone will die."

I certainly am reassured.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Alderos died today. My God, I can't believe it. I was so assured when he said no one would die, and now he's dead.

We were trekking through the jungles of the land of evil and fouldeedery on our way to Mount Realdere when it happened. An elephant charged through the brush, and impaled Alderos upon his tusks. Jason brought the beast down, but Sparda couldn't do anything for Alderos. He was already gone.

Jason's going to try to lead us to Mount Realdere. We figure we have an equal chance of finding our way through the jungle to our destination than we do back home.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Night has fallen in the jungle. There are a lot of scary noises coming from the trees. Ieb and Erik dug out a small burrow for us to shelter in until dawn. We've got a fire going but it doesn't seem to be enough to ward off the animals. Snakes keep coming into the burrow to try to kill us, rattelsnakes and asps. Jason's been trying to hold them off but he's just one dwarf against many. I wish Vamparagon had given the soldiers he sent with us proper equipment. Xusha's the only one with her weapon but I didn't think it was wise that she wrestle poisonous snakes.

Hopefully we can make it until morning.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

The assault on our camp is over but Jason's scouting reveals that we're still surrounded by wild animals. We've decided the best course of action is to build a mighty tower that rises above the jungle and then light a fire on top of it so rescuers can find us. Ieb, Shadz, Erik and Rage are mining out some proper living quarters now. I've divided the rest of the dwarves into two groups, one led by DigDog and Juli to gather as many resources as possible from the surrounding lands, and one led by CD and I to start on the foundation for the tower. Jason's been exempted from the work as he's the only one capable of keeping the wildlife at bay while we work.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Progress is going decently. Despite not being able to supervise the mining work, it's going great with Ieb's guidance. I feel confident that leaving Ieb in charge will work out fine. After all, Ieb's mined out hundreds of forts in his lifetime. The miners even found some galena. Obviously this means we're going to be making some silver furniture for everyone.

One odd thing I noticed however when I was looking around the fort is that the ground immediately under the surface is green. I asked Ieb about this, he claimed it was raised mire. Phil butted in saying it was "nature, man. I could get down with this." I told Phil that since he liked it so much to get down with this and plant some seeds so we can have food.

The only set back is that we realized Vamparagon forgot anvils. That throws off my defence plans, seeing as I was planning to use all the red steel bars to make trap components. I've devised an ingenious new idea instead. We're going to dig a moat surrounding the tower and fill it with water, and have retracting bridges leading into the tower to throw off any unwanted guests.

It will be magnificent.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

With Juliana gathering plants, Tim showing up with hundreds of turtles from local ponds and Phil growing some quarry bushes, food isn't really an issue. Despite this Security Officer #1 and Security Officer #2 have taken it upon themselves to make use of the increasingly large pile of dead wildlife that Jason has been bagging. They've holed up in one of the empty rooms the miners left and have started butchering them.

It's going something like this.

"SLICE 'EM 'N' DICE 'EM BOI."
"You said it security officer #2."

Looks like we're eating ice cold prepared rattlesnake brain [3] for breakfast.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Phil called an emergency meeting in the new legendary dining room CD's made. While there he announced that he would be taking my position as expedition leader.

"Peregrine doesn't believe in world peace. Peregrine doesn't believe goblins deserve to have their side of the story told. Peregrine wanted me to use fertilizer on my crops but I didn't because it wasn't natural, and then he got mad when all our crops died. You need me as your leader, and I'll create a more positive environment for everyone. Imagine it, goblins, dwarves, antmen, orcs, all living together in harmony."

I imagined it, and I didn't like what I imagined. I immediately proceeded to punch Phil and tell everyone else assembled to get back to work.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Two random dwarves showed up. Apparently they were a couple on their honeymoon who got lost in the jungle. The female is a metalsmith, who will either turn out to be useful or get in Sebi and Wolfie's way (later, that is. When we finally get some anvils). The male is a "grand master" spinner. I explained to them how we ended up here and they agreed it was best that they stay here instead of continuing to wonder through the jungle. We could always use some extra hands, although something tells me the guy will be totally useless. "With my skills, we wont fail" he tells me.

Great. I now have a grand master spinner at my disposal.

We can finally get some real work done.





Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, date unknown.

Grey and Tom were working on mechanisms earlier. Seems pretty simple. One rock in, one mechanism out. Then the unexpected happened when Grey threw Tom out of the mechanic's workshop after being struck with an idea that would forever revolutionize dwarven engineering.

"What if I use two stones to make a mechanism instead of one."

After hours of labour, he presented us with the glorious end result and proclaimed it to be named Cherishentrances, which beyond the shadow of doubt, is a legendary artifact that will be discussed until the end of dwarfkind.

This is a slate mechanisms. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is encircled with bands of slate. This object menaces with spikes of slate.

Journal of Vabok "Peregrine" Boriklibash, 19th of Galena.

We've been found by Ezrakim elves! A small trade caravan was passing through when they spotted our tower admist a clear cut field (good job DigDog), Draktand and I went out to meet them and see if they could spare any supplies for us. We asked if they had any seeds they could spare after Phil wasted all our rock nuts. They said they would be welling to selling us whatever we wanted if we could pay.

"Hmm," said Draktand, stroking his beard. "Hmm."
"Fine, you can have some seeds."
"What about metal?"
"Our metal is all sun gold, we're not giving you sun gold for free."

"Hmm," said Draktand, stroking his beard. "Hmm."

The elf merchant in charge broke down crying.

"FINE TAKE IT JUST DON'T HIT ME."

Spirits are high here at uhh... Wherever we are. I probably should have asked the elves if they knew where we were. Or better yet, if we could come with them to wherever they were going. Oh woe. On the bright side I did get the date from them. 19th of Galena. Hard to believe we've been gone for... My God. Half a year. They must think we're dead by now.